Entry 114

(12/7 11:28 pm) AUUUGHHHHH IM SO FUCKING ITCHYY IM GONNA DIE. Dude. My whole ass is rashed up rn. My whole ass has a rash on it. Thighs too. And ankles. And upper arms. This morning i woke up with a knee rashi tohught it was a bug bite but further inspection made it clear id broken out in hives. Anyway it went away afrer a few hours without me doing shit so i was like Well watever. Went about my day lik normal i started doing schoolwork actually did a few assignments today yay me! Good on me for doing 2 assignments a month over due 3 days before the class ends i guess. Became briefly depressed before doing them and last night as well but after finishing became normal agian. But anyway while i was doing schoolwork it dawned on me slowly that an itch had returned. And much worse now. since i know its not due to anything im allergic to (lived life same as normal today pretty much) im like most of the way sure that its due to stress which ah. I guess checks out you know. Have been feeling pretttyyyyyy baaaaaad the past few Uh while. Fucking evil though like im trying to fix the stress but if my body is making me so itchy that i cant focus on my schoolwrok then thats just impeding me. So anyway my mom gave me benadryls but i waite dto take them until afr i was done with homework for today cause i didnt wanna fall asleep while doing it. It hasnt kicked in yet but im worired when it does ill be too sleepy to update so thats why this update is so early even though im not actually planning on going to bed yet. Might just have to sleep early beacuse im too sleepy to do anything else at a point who knows. Maybe the benadryll won't knock me out this time. Anyway somewhat proud of myself for doing schoolwrok today doesnt change the fact that i still have uh. All fo the other shit thats overdue too. And i have to do it within the next few days or else Guess whos failing! So yeah not feeling great. But ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well acutaly thats it theres not really a bright side im just gonna have to be busy as shit next few days. Told my fmaily members to fuck off from inviting me to hang out watch shit etc for the next few days cause ill be busy but didnt really Tell them Why because ah.... . Well ..... ... .... SHAME!!!! Aznyawy. Not sleeping yet but bye. Thanks for reading and have a good one

Entry 113

(12/7 2 am) same as yesterday

Entry 112

(12/6 3:51 am) haiii everyone. didnt doa nything today. feel liek garbage. time to hit the hay...

Entry 111

(12/5 3:31 am) HI EVERYONE so i missed a day and i dont even have a good reason for it it was genuinely by complete accdient i just forogt i was gonna update the site and then went to bed. a sleepy fella i guess. anyway i am all caught up on the podcast i was listening to and guys. never watch something thats stgill coming out. i blew through 50 episodes in 3 days and now i have to wait 2 weeks for the next one. waiting for my [charcter redacted] to return from the war.... i was like ahhhh i want more media so i was gonna watch something else also but i waw slke No. Too soon. i want to see more of my guys not new guys.. bt the fandom is teeeeeny weeny like sub 10 fics on ao3 the next epsidoe isnt out yet and i dont wanna start a whole rewatch. so like wat the fuck does my brain want me to do just sit here rotating it in my mind. if im sad enough about it maybe the next episode will come sooner... cant see more of it yet and brain wotnlet me watch anything else this is truly hell. oh yeah i did an assignment today and my english class is finally over. i still gotta do python shit thoguh. gotta do like a months worth of assignments in 5 days lol will i die maybe lets find out. anyway thanks for reading thats it from this lad and have a good one

Entry 110

(12/3 4:22 am) sooo up a bit late today. i got carried away watching my podcast...... i didnt do as mush schoolwrok as iwanted today... tomorwo. therss tomorow. yeah. aynway im enjoying my podacst. i wouild die for [character omitted because im strangely cagey about my interests on this here website]... you know i thought that takign a break from scoial media and fanfiction adn stuff would be like sooo suck and so i hate it but its acutally fun and ilike this better. like im still "wasting time" on non-productive things but the thingsa re like a fun. Actuly wait fuck. I was abot to go tobed but my cat is laying on me now wat do i do. Do i jsut stay up all night. I cant just remove him... Ok im gonna put him somewhere else im sorry boy i NED to sleep . Sorry ktty cat. goodnight all

Entry 109

(12/2 3:33 am) Hellooo their. today i did morre schoolwork than is usual for me. i got around 2 assignments done after a few hours... still worried but i managed to keep myself from being so paralyzed by fear that i couldnt do anytihng so guess iam winning. i feel better aobut things now, i was really freaking out about it. anyway i employed frequent use of breaks and during my breaks i was listening toa PODCAST wich i dont usually do . listened to it in the bg while playing ovipets (the best pet simulator game). yeah, i hatched hundreds of eggs today, (in ovipets).... the podcast is one of them fiction podcasts so not like just some guys talking and being funny but like theres a story going on. i didnt like it until like 6 episodes in (was VERY unconvinced) but anyway the story took a slight shift so a switch flicked on in my brain adn i simply couldnt put it down so yeah i was up until 3 am listening to more of it. already excited to listen more tomorrow. and uh, also get schoolwork done tomorrow haha, duhj...... yeah anyway i think ive clawed my way out of the pit of misery if only slightly. who knew what doing things could do to you........ trhanks for reading have a god one

Entry 108

(12/1 3:24 am) SO i may have missed my update yesterday. BIG WHOOP. itwasnt my fault. the internet went out when i was going to update it. i did 1 assignment today. i still have.. ah.. so much more to do. haha. Ok. So anyway. Tomroow. Yeahhhhh. Big plans. And by big plans i mean im gonna be PLAYING OVIPETS (The best pet simulator game). They have a december advent calendar thing every year i cant miss it. Kinda worried how thatll conflict with my schedule.... ? But clealry not worried enough. I mean its 3 am wat am i doing up. Well, tahts why im going to bed. ANyway yeah mostly uneventful i dont even remmebe rwhat i did yesterdayt fully geninely. I thought about it for a seca dn i was like Oh yeah i spent all the day friend group dramaing but then i looked down at the last entry and actually that was the day before yesterday. Yesterday didnt exist i guess. Wack. Anyway thanbks for reading goodnight

Entry 107

(11/29 2:49 am) hey guys so id like it to be known that i did genuinely try to make an effort to do school stuff today and indeed i did in fact read out of my textbook for a combined like hour but i shit you not when i say i was so absolutely embroiled in friend group drama that thats pretty much all i couldve gotten done like if i wasnt writing a long ass message to someone i was waiting for someone to write a long ass message to me and Fucking Sweating over it. i finsihed reading a thing i was reading also but TBF that was at like midnight after i decided Fuck it im not doing any more of this casue my friend kept talking to me every time i tried to study SO. Ya idk tomrorow ill tell him to fuckoff cause i really genuinely cant miss an upcoming deadline. well anyway that was my day. That thing i read was pretty good i think my brain has been permanently altered by it. DID YOU KNOW that things are so cool and there is such cool things AUUGHHHHH THEre so many coolt hings SO much cool things Guys iw anna mkae a cool thing. Oh i also did a few little drawings today in ms paint. They look awesome for being made in ms paint. Anyway yeah thats about it thanks for reading have a nice day gootbye

Entry 106

(11/28 12:24 am) hey guys. so i didnt do much today again i have an excuse tho cause we had thanksgiving meal today. no i didnt hlep preparing it actually and it only took like 1-2 hours of my time. and yet, somehow, that was the whole day...... ok. well. anyway. i totally have a plan for tomororw. So. itll be fine. hahahahaahaha itll be fine guys. anyway im not gonna delude myself into thinking im gonna do anything productive by staying up another like hour or whatever so even though i dont feel like its time to go to bed yet i think getting a head start on sleep is a better use of my time than staring blankly at my textbook for an hour. ANYWAY thanks for reaqding have a good one night night

Entry 105

(11/27 1:25 am) well well well. today i finsihed the book i was reading, took a shower, aaaand that is about it. well, i read a few pages of my textbook, which is more than i can say for other days, but less than i would like to be able to say. i also started rereading something id read before. well, ok, i never acutally finsihed this thing, but i always wanted to and just forgot to keep reading. as im rereading the bits ive read before, i realize i really love this thing.. im excited to see where it goes and how it ends. and im excited that when i read all of it i will finally be able to call myself a fan of this thing, wihch i felt a bit awkward doing before due to not having finished it... sort of an awkward midground where i know more about it than someone who hasnt read any of it and get excite dwhen i see it and am able to recognizeit but if someone who had read the wohle thing tried to talk to me about it then i wouldnt be able to say anything due to not actually having seen it all.

i hvae indeed put a temporary ban on fanfiction so i guess im substituting it for actual media, which is a bit weird but probably a more normal and efficient way of doing things. kinda weird to just get done doing one thing and thern moive right onto the next thing though ... usually when i finish sometihng if i like it i will spend a while in the fandom spaces for it before moving onto the next thing. reading fanfcition, searching tags on social media, etc. doing what im doing now feels, in comparison, a bit like im not taking the time to appreciate it properly.. at the same time though, i have a massive media backlog, and i should probably expand me horizons. i have to admit, im proud thatr i have read so many books recently, even if they were actually short novellas, and also what i used to procrastinate on schoolwork..

i mean obviously i already knew i could go through stuff quick in terms of liek fanfiction like i read horrendous amounts of fanfiction pretty regularly so the fact im able to read a lot shouldnt actualyl be surprising by any stretch but i guess just like feels more official and therefore more shockign when its an actual book.

anyway long story short im enjoying how im spending my time during my break from social media and fanfiction reading so maybe iw ill keep doing that like forever. well idk i like to read tumblr posts and go haha! hehe! but i think ive spent my time more substantially the past ... recently, even if it hasnt been on things id technically be considering "productive" ...

anyway ive got a plan for tomrorow. and for liek, the week after taht as well. like i mean, ive got the whole. oh my god. sorry i pasued typing my brothe rjsut came over and talked at me for like 20 fucking minutes i hate him so much. can you not see that i do not fuckign care. man i was trying to go to bed earlier why did you have to do that. and you might be thnking why i didnt just ask him to sotp but he has a weird way of talking where he does like fake out ends where you think hes done talking or hes like about to stop talking but he just keeps going on and on for like 30 more minutes without pausing. the most exhausting individual to interact with on planet earth. sorry i think i sound like an asshole i just really wish he would not do that he always puts me in such an awful mood. ugh i swear to god. i was gonna be in bed at like 2 now im gonna be in bed at like 2:30. come on. this isnt any better than yesterday. this is actually upsetting me this sucks

im fine with wasting my own time but yeah no hated that. anyway i dont know where the hell iwas foing with that sorry. wait. i remember now i was talking about how i planne dthe next week out in advacne but itll only work if i follow it exactly and things take exactly as long as i expect them too which i guess i cant count on. anyway i want to just go to bed and start a new day already. actually i dont want to do that because tomororw i will have to do things, sigh. Omg i think my leg is bleeding. ok thats it im going to bed goodnight thanks for reading

Entry 104

(11/26 1:54 AM) ALSO did nothing today, which is stressful, im stressed out by that, i need to do schoolwrok... i feel abruptly sleepy for some reason, wich, not sure i usually do at this hour.. i was watching scary stuff so i thought about reading or watching something non-scaryh for a bit so i wont get freaked out walking to my bedroom in the dark but i dont think its wise to make myself stay up later honestly. i stayed off social media today wich is neat. well, so long as were not counting youtube as a social media, hehe. but yeah, i saw a reddit post that inspired me to try the break from social media thing again for a while, so that's what's been going on behind the scenes. i planned for it yesterday but didnt feel like talking about it. anyway, that's all for now, thanks for reading, let's hope i'll do some stuff tomorrow

Entry 103

(11/25 4:30 am) did nothing today YIPEEEEEEEEE

Entry 102

(11/24 4:39 am) hiiii i just spent an hour watching my cat cause hes been peeing on stuff recently to make sure he wouldnt pee anything and he dragged me out to the litterbox and made me think he was going to pee when apparently what he actually wanted was for me to watch him play with a loose scrap of cardboard next to the litterbox for 30 minutes while i watch in agony so. having a normal one tonight. really would like to not be in bed past 5 am but i dont think thats posible rn. today i did ntohing.. well. ok. i spent 3 hours on a drawing but for some reason it still feels like i did nothing. maybe cause itwasnt scool. pannicking a little bit about school right now but i am nomraql mooded. anyway my cat went to sleep so i guess its sleep for me. Blegghhhh. thx 4 reading

Entry 101

(11/23 4:17 am) DID NOTHING TODAY YIPEEEEEEEEEEEE! going to bed now. a bit later tahn i wouldve liked but it OK... thanks for reading bhave a nice day bye. actuly i like my little sign offs but do i need to do them when the entry is this short like it just makes it kinda weird. well watever ill figure it out

Entry 100

(11/22 4 am) i almost forgot to do this update before going to bed like i was READY. then i was like oh shit i need to update and then when i checked it was entry 100. can you imagine if i forgot to update on entry 100 like i kept my streak for literally every other day but forgot this one i think i would start crying. anyway i really didnt do much today! hmmmm tomororw. heh. ok thanks for reading its time for me to get my sleep on

Entry 99

(11/21 3:50 am) gues who finished the book i aws readiiingggggggggg yessir that is me i finished it. today i mostly was Leisuring. watched anime with family... hung out.. read a little bit.. did schoolwork for my english class... after that, read a lot... now i go sleep. i have hmmmmmmm thoguhts and feelings. feelings was kind of suck before i did my homework but now they are normal. iam relaxed + at peace. prooobably shouldnty have stayed up so late though but hey i had reasons (not elaborating). thx for reading have a good one

Entry 98

(11/20 12:43 am) did nothing except read today.. well, i did take a shower after like 2 weeks of not showering. i got like 2 assignments to do tomorrow but they seem eeaaasssyyy so its fine. not mentinoing the like 10 i have overdue shut up. thats about all... havent finsihed me book yet. its meatier than expected.. im enjoying though. ill finish tomoroaw. thanks for reading have a nice day

Entry 97

Subtitle: A new man

(11/18 11:02 pm) Hello people of reddit, i would like to bring to your attention that i have been born anew... Which is to say. I finally wrote the rough draft for my essay. I could cry i am so happy. 10 bricks off my shoulders. No longer will I be relegated to being merely a creature of misery. i read another one of them small books before i started which took Uh longer than i expected actually so i started at like 5 pm and then worked until the essay (draft) was done and what better way to reward myself than reading ANOTHER book..

this next book is full length though, so i wonder if i can finish it..? the other ones were like 30k each, which like ok, thats so easy to read that. i read that on the regular. that's the size of an excitingly medium length fanfiction for me to sink my teeth into. i may have not touched an actual book for the past 10 years but if we count fanfiction as reading then i am in fact an avid reader knocking out 100k words fairly frequently. so, the length of the booksmade them very approachable, and it helped taht they were acutally entertaining to read

did i mention before that i read the space odyssey books i think i did but i forget what i said about them. well anyway i read the first two. they were slightly difficult for my baby brain to parse but it was OK. i liked them but i will be real i was reading mostly (read: near exclusively) for the robot so my enjoyment of them can be directly linked to how much i get to read and think about him. and hes in it a fair bit but he couldve been in it more.. i tried to start reading the third one but i got spoiled that he wasnt in it that much and that like the whole thing was from the pov of mr divorce or whatever so even though i want to keep reading it a mental blockage developed where i would just stare blankly at the page whenever itried to read more. anyway im sure ill come back to it and finish it eventually i just dont think i can make myself do it at the moment. reading is supposed to be fun you know!

but anyway the books im reading now have the character im the most interested in reading about as the POV character the whole time which makes it easier for me to read. that doesnt necessarily make it a better book but ive been meaning to read more books and i think what i need to get into reading more right now is 'easier to read'. for some people im sure thatd be like less dense vocabulary or something but for me it just means you need to put the character i like in front of me like its a carrot on a stick and i will pursue blindly....... and ok, less dense vocabulary doesnt hurt either hehheheh

i swear imeant to talk about like what id normally talk about on here instead of book stuff but i got distracted.. Book on tha brain i guess. i got a whole like paragraph in here on the nature of procrastination or whatvr but now you feckers will never get to see it cause i tuckered myself out writing about books instead of self-imporvement on my self-improvement blog. i ammmmm the best blogger. well yeah thats about all im gonna go read thanks for reading i thnik theres a bit of a tone shift in this entyry compared to the last few LOL but ayway have a nice day bye bye

Entry 96

(11/18 3:25 am) hello their. did nothing today. well i did read 3 books but to be fair they were kind of small books. only around 30-40k words each. so really its more like i read one book and the book was big or something. anywway yeah, i have an assignment due tomorrow and like 10 that are overdue, and i havent done them, as you can see from the last ... uhh.. i guess 3 entires. well make that 4 now. well anyway ill be normal tomorrow. lets cross our fangers and hope for the best! tyhanks for reading have a nice day

Entry 95

(11/17 3:45 am) did more nothing today i am terrified lets goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ok, thsts really all there is to say, i feel weird leaving it there though. but really, nothing else to say on the matter. thankws for reading have a good one

Entry 94

(11/16 4 am) did nothing again today! citizens of neocities, i am Afraid. why do i do this to myself D:

ive got more to say on the matter but also i dont and also its probably stuff ive already said. just ah you know. the usual. maybe worse than usual actualyl because i did nothing instead of the bare minimum but well. Ah. Ough.. theres always tomorrow iguess. GOTTA do thins tomorrow. maybe i would even take a shoewr. ok, well, lets not get ahead of ourselves... hahahahaughhhh.. ok. well. time to go to bed.a nd get so much lots of sleep. for day tomorrow. it will sure be one of a days. thanks for reading and have a nice one

Entry 93

(11/15 4:26 am) i have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ALL DAY!!! like really, no kidding, i cant think of a single productive thing ive done today. didnt do schoolwork or anything of the sort! i think ill be changing the way i do things up a bit but i dont feel like elaborating bceaucse its 4 am and im just not really in a writey mood so well. just be aware i guess! huh well thats it then. thanks for reading and have a good one

Entry 92

(11/14 3:39 am) so sorry if you saw yesterdays entry i had to redact that shit like crazy. if youre curious my friend wanted me to hang out with him and i agreed but didnt want to do it so i threw a little tantrum. then i hung out and it was fine and i had fun. IN MY DEFENSE i was stressed and he kept pestering me to hang out like a crazy person who wants to spend time with the friends he cares about or some shit so it was making me go Well a little bit insane. buit yeah i was fine and im fine now. genuinely if i had just waited like a few hours to update the blog it wouldve been a normal entry i dont evne know why i decided that was the time to update it i just wanted to do it then i guess. but anyway i got a little meanwhich makes me feel bad so it probably shouldnt have been public at all but i was In a State so i wasnt really thinking about that as much as i shouldve been

anyway the whole situation was kinda silly lol. If he does that to me again though im gonna lose it. but lol yeah not a big deal i think its just an enneagram 5 thing thats like a pretty classic and well known trait. if you ask me to hang out when im stressed and have things to do it will make me feel like dogs are attacking and if you keep asking over and over agian while im Maybe in a bit of a pickle Which is to say struggling to do my schoolwork 2 weeks unshowered like a month overdue on cleaning something and neglecting the job i agreed to do i will feel like i am the dog and i am atatcking. obviously he didnt know that caus ei didnt tell him that cause why would i tell him that lol i would not tell a friend that only strangers on the internet but anyway yeah it unleashed the beast inside thats my story and im sticking to it.

damn i havent even talked about my actual day ive been so consumed with trying to do damage control from yesterday that i like forgot. well lets see i was roped into spending time with my family which once more made me feel like the dogs were attacking however i did manage to get the assignment that was due today done before midnight so yipee. didnt work on my python schoolwork though haha! hahahahahahahaha oh my god. well anyway. tomorrow exists. well but i have to do a whole like. rough draft tomorrow. ohhhhh my god life is miserable. ok. ok. its ok. i am so normal abot this. i think thge amount of stress i am under is potentially having a negative effect onmy social life which is to say it is making me a Grouch and a Grump (Uncommon).

well i guess that is all.. not much more to say really. ah. eoguhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. well goodnight thanks for reading have a good one

Entry 91

(11/12/2022 11:36 pm) eughhhh.... feel WEIRDDDYYY today. worked on english schoolwork for 2 hours python is falling by the wayside [REDACTED]

[REDACTED] Maybe i shoudl wait to update this blog until im not in a mood. Well at least this will probably be entertaining to read later. im too antsy to think normally about the situation. and you know what [REDACTED]

Ok ok im fine. [REDACTED] Sorry you had to see this part of me.. The demon inside (Slightly introverted individual)... [REDACTED] i didndt even talk about my day today really but [REDACTED] ill be normal tomorrow i swear.

Entry 90

(11/12/2022 1:19 am) whoa! entry 90. we are getting up there fellas. anyway, i had an alright day... i woke up at 11, started stuff at 1 pm sort of but quickly became distracted and started doing something else. i got back round to it at 9 pm though, and then got my assignments that were due today finished. didnt finish the ones that are overdue yet though.. that will come uh. tomorrow. hopefully. we can only hope. i think something about starting earlier in the day that wasnt working before was that i would sort of lose focus and switch onto other things... i think this is because my goals were vaguer than they needed to be. SO, i will try to be more specific and hope that helps.

nothing is due mega urgently tomorrow, so i can do something along these lines: 2 hours of english schoolwrok, 2 hours of python schoolwork, and i guess potentially math and art studies stuff but thats really not wahts imporant right now so that comes second. if things work out ill already be doing 2 houirs of work after all, i really dont need to add to the load.. anyway, i should make things as specific and measurable as possible. recently, and by recently i mean last night, i started planning out days in a physical journal rather tahn digitally so itll be there right in my face as a reminder. this feels like a good idea. so, ill probably do that. i might be vastly overestimating my ability to commit to long stretches of studying and schoowlork being done, but ah. well i dont actually have a but there i thnk that was the end of the statement.

anytihng else to say..? hmmm. im gonna wrassle hard these next few days to try and get a grip on school. the state of my life is currently pretty upsetting. maybe if i do enough i can even get ahead instead of having to fight tooth and nail against every deadline. havent showered in liek too weeks BTW tyis is what having homework does to aperson. right now i am feeling just stressed and tired regarding my current life espeically with school... but thats exactly rthe reason i cant give up!!!!! having my anime protagonist moment i guess. aguhhhhh fuck so much to do im gonna die im gonna die. hahahaafhadahgadljghlkmljkk ................................................................................................ guys i am not having a good time.

actually i feel fien though but just like if you tijhk about how much there is i have to do its like haha wow thats a lot thats not good. like ahhh all th eschoolrok thats overdue and the cat fountain cleaning and i need to take a shower and i sort of agreed to do a job i havent been doing and ive also been like WOW just like pretty much completely not talking to my friends for the past like week because ive been busy even though the time ive spent actually doing things and not just digitally pacing around is quite not a lot! these things are upsetting and not upserting me. like i am being crushed under the wieght of obligation ubt also i feel totally fine actualyl. Strange feeling wish my brain did not behave in this manner (confuse me with strabnge and contradicory emotions).

ahhhh... well... yeah i guess thats all. gonna go plan shit now and then go to bed. hopefully this marks the sign of a positive change for me ! thanks for reading and have a nice day

Entry 89

(11/11/2022 1:26 am) hello everoyn! it should be noted that i did not do anything today really. mooostly fucked around on tumblr most of the day. didnt do any tasks at all. i do feel a bit refreshed though but considering i have assignments due again tomorrow or rather today since its past midnight i probably sohuld not. dont worry, i have a plan for dealing with this... well, maybe you should still worry, because i cant guarantee ill follow the plan, but it exists. so, what im needing right now is a pretty major overhaul of the way i do things, i think..

i didnt do it for very long, but i think that making it a Task to start tasks earlier in the day was genuinely a good idea, and i stopped doing it prematurely. so, im gonna try doing that again :P. i suspect part of my problem is not getting the ball rolling. the other part of the problem is not keeping the ball rolling, but that problem's existence is contingent on the solving of the other problem, so we won't worry aobut it just yet. so, fisrst change, im gonna bring that back.. yipee!. second change.. for the time being, im not gonna worry too hard about math or art studies.i do genuinely want to do those things, and i will add them back into my routine later, but right now, i think its clear that im not quite in the state to properly handle that.

i think that.. ok.. well.. ok.. i think that having to do tohse things every day made me stay up later, becuase i would put them off... but i do honestly think that if i woke up earlier, i wouldnt put off those things for as long. so the problem was looping.. the way i can break it is, with any luck, by attempting to interrupt that loop. if i can start waking up earlier, then hopefully i can start doing things earlier, which will make me go to bed earlier. thats the logic there, i tnink it makes enough sense. dont know how well itll work put into practice, but you know..

next.. im going to try my best to abandon social media and fanfcition reading ,for the time being. i think those things can be great fun and provide positive experiences. but im not sure if its the most satisfying way i couldspend my time, really. i dont think its a Bad way to spend my time, or that im wasting my life by doing it.. but when i think about like, my backlog that goes neglected, and the fact i havent talked to my friends in really quite a few days, i think there are just things i could be doing instead of that that would be better. both productive-y things and leisure-y things. i know ive had this realization before, and then i guess gone back on it, because im kind of a limp and indecisive person, but anyway, for the time being, im going to try my best not to do those things that i often get carried away doing.

eugh.. i feel embarrased. i feel like i keep coming up with plans and strategies and they dont work. and that im just constantly struggling and this blog is a reflection of my constant struggle with basic tasks. im embarrassed because you can see in the past things i tohught would work that didnt or didnt work for very long.. but, i guess its partially because i didnt make an effort to stick with them, or sometihng. i dunno..

well, i should probably try to get to bed now. part of the reason im not doin Things today is so taht i can get to bed ealrier, and as you can see its already quite late.. id hate to ramble longer and negate any potential benefits of ruining my life via inaction. ANYWAY, thanks for reaidng and have a nice day.

Entry 88

(11/10/2022 3 am) hello everybody... i did my assignment for my enlgish class. my python assignments...? well lets just say i have not worked on them or studied at all over the week i was supposed to do those things. so, im deciding tonight that i wont be doing math or art studies.. at all. i know, shock, breaking a ~70 day streak, horrifying.. but, i think i have a bit of a problem. i think the 70 day streak was in my way. because, the thing is, i should be prioritizing schoolwork over all else right now, because there are potentially very bad consequences for me if i dont do it, when there arnet those consequecnes for other tasks. i like to do things in sa psecific order, and at first, i assumed i wasnt prioritizing it because my order was math -> art -> school. but, now, my order has changed to be school -> math -> art. and yet, i have stil skipped doing scxhoolwrok on specific days.. i think, because i know that if i dont do math or art studies, that counter will fall back to 0, so its like the one thing i cant fail. i guess i have become persoanlly attached to those habits, i attached a significance to them (cont in next paragraph)

a significance like: those other times i tried to maintain consistent habits, i failed, and if i give up my streak now, this iwll be just like all of those other times. it felt like lettign that happen would be confirmation that this attempt at organizing my life was as useless as every other time. but no, heres the thing, even if i do my math and art studies every single day, that doesnt mean anything compared to what actuallymatters (school) (in sense of what consequences there are). if icant maintain a math streak but i can maintain a schoolwork streak i am actually being vastly more productive than the opposite, but becausjje my shiny 70 streak continues, i want to prioritize math. ...and also the way i ahve latched my insecurities about being unable to maintain consistent habits onto this one specific thing, maybe thats part of it. but anyway, antoher thging, ive already failed my streak is the thing. the goal is 30 minutes per day. ive been doing ~10 minutes recently and still checking the box saying i did my math for the day. i did not do that. my desperation not to have this number go down drove me to be dishonest iwth myself in a way.

heres the thing: im already slipping, and im worried. i do feel on some level like im making a mistake by letting go (for one day) whatever remained of structure for me. like, not sure if you noticed, but having sometihng consistent for me is a little important to keeping me feeling OK. so, im worried that if i take this away, then ill slip into irresponsibility or just plain depression.. but thing is, this isnt working. doing math at 3 am whend im half asleep and getting like half the qeustions wrong cause my brain does not fucking work at this hour and then peeling my greasy corpse out of my bed at noon the next day is not working for me. yeah i am getting my tasks done but is this really better than the alternative?

sometimes ill want to just go to bed but ive put off doing stuff the whole day so ill think ok, ill do that stuff and then go to bed, but its already, say, 1 am, and i just know that if i start tasks right now im gonna end up in bed at 2:30 am at the earliest, and obviously that sounds dogshit, so i put it off more, and i start it even later than planned and im doing it with my brain half not functioning and it just starts to feel like im punishing myself. like yeah im reaping what i sow im just getting the consequences of my own actions but is that really whats best for me? ok, listen, ideally i would do things early so i could get to bed early and relax later int he day, thats always been the ideal for me. but clearly, its not happening like that right now, and obviously id like to be, but since its not happening, i have to be realistic aobut things, and a question i have to ask myself is "is doing this shit the way ive been doing it ACTUALLY better than doing the alternative"? and right now, the answer is not clearly yes.

im doing this because i want to help myself, because i want to improve my life, because i want to make things better for me. but i think i lost sight of that goal in favor of just Doing Tasks because i Have to do them. but listen, if im doing this to learn shit, am i actually absorbing it at 3 am? like, do i retain any of that? am i doing my best work to submit to my teachers at 3 am? additionally is it just, fucking, wretched? and tiring and miserable and depressing? does making myself do that actually help me at all? im doing it to maintain a habit right

im doing it to maintain a habit, and i want that habit to be "do math for 30 minutes every day", but because im always oding it after midnight, that habit has morphed into "do math for 30 minutes every day at 3 am", and i dont like it but thats pretty much whats going on here, so i have to acknowledge that im not doing the first thing im doing the second thing, and i need to do something about it. i dont know if im being coherent at all, but basically, somethings not working here. somethings stinky. im trying to brute force it and it might just be making things even more miserable. well, i dont know, im pretty miserable when im not doing stuff, but recently "doing stuff" hasnt felt so great either, so ... i dont know, i think i need a major change of mindset, or something. i really really need to get my priorities in order.

the one thing i dont think ill give up is this blog. oh, well ,when i say give up , i should clarify what i mean there.. ideally, i want to be Doing Things tomorrow. but today, id like to be in bed by Not 4 Am, which wont work because ive alraedy been typing for 25 minutes, iam so sillay.. but anyw,a because i was just like, fguck it, this is not working, tonight, i decided not to do things today, and give myself permission to do that i guess..... was this the right decision? it remains to be seen. imporatn development in complicateds character arc everybody. i dunno. kicks a rock. i gotta figure this shit out. i need to shift to prioritizing trying to do whats best for myslef instead of ticking boxes. cause something went stinky here.

i really do oughta get to bed.. well, i guess thats it for tonight. not sure any of that made sense...>? when i die they will remember me as the guy who had a 70 day khan academy streak. anyway thanks for reading have a nice day and night night

Entry 87

(11/9/2022 2:21 am) did math for ~15 minutes and art sutdies for ~30..... didnt do scohl stuff thogh. confident im slipping but its whatever its not like i have like 6 awssignments due tomorrow or osmetihng ahahahhahahahaahahaahahh......... guys. pray for me. im not even religious but need a prayer rn. guess that is it for today.. i would talk more cause im not like mega tired but theres really not very much to say on the matter. anyway thanks for reading have a nice day.

Entry 86

(11/8/2022 4 am) today was a very avoidant day for me. i did not want to do tasks at all. i did not do them until ~3:40 am when i did math for ~5-10 minutes and art studies for ~20.nawt wise... didnt do any school stuff. or work stuff. feel scared and overwhleemed. not in the way that i fele very scared but more i know that i am because of the persistent discomfort i feel when i think about doing anything because i have a lot on my plate to do... i feel like i am slipping and doing less each day and thats scary for me also. lets hope for a return to normalcy tomorrow! thanks for reading and have a good one

Entry 85

(11/7/2022 3 am) augh, wat a day. oguh. its like ther was too mcuh day so i dont evenn wanna talk about it. iwillt hough. but maybe not thew hole thing..>? so for starters i had an essay due today... well, technically yesterday. i also have a job-adjacent thing going on for the moment where i get paid to enter books into a spreadsheet. so already, i was a little busy.. but my family decided to have a family dinner today, so it was a very crowded day. i didnt start on schoolwrok until 9 pm. banged the paper out, finished at 11, and went to go take a shit becuase i had had to take a shit for like the whole day. came back, didnt wanna do shit, fucked round til 2:30, did math for 10 minujtes, did art stuff for 30 minutes, now here i am. that was basically all that happened today i tihnk. glad i started early enough to have time for my paper. well thats all, im gonna sleep now, TY for reading and have a nice day

Entry 84

(11/6/2022 3 am) this is an epic fail moment for me. i did only 10 minutes of math and 10 minutes of art studies.... and also did not do schoolwrok today... i let things get out of hand and realized i absolutely did not want to do math at 3 am. so i didnt. this is worrying, im hoping ican chgange the way i go about things tomorrow... i was slightly more proactive about changing it today, but it didnt really end up happening. ive got a lot of thoughts... some things id like to say or plan.. but thing is. i amsleepy. so, im just going to try to do better next time, and maybe then ill say the thoughts... auhgh my eyleid keeps twitchign. die. well anyway thanks for reading ahve a nice day

Entry 83

(11/5/2022 3:23 am) hey so rmeember what i said yesterday umm i guess i was lying cause i did not do that. started on things marginally earlier than usual today (10 pm) and worked on eng schoowlrok for like na hour! then i took a ~2 hour break.... so... epic fail... did math nad art studies thogh after that. didnt do any python stuff. my software design assignments gonna be rushed as hellll this week. but LOL!!! i donot care. anyway.... despite the fact i didnt do the whole neociteis thing. im somewhjat proud of how i did today. i had put things off beyond what i thought i would, cause i was planning on starting much earlier... round 10 pm, i was thinking, im just going to put it off more, why bother, i hate how it always ends up like this, i wish it was different..... but i was ahead of when i usually start on stuff! like i literlaly could change it right then. i am not being held hostage by my own damn brain! so i begrudgingly put aside what i was doing at the time and got to work. obviously it wouldve been better if id done it way ealrier but in the grand scheme of things 10pm isnt quite as bad as it could be so whatever.

once again filled with love for all the cool things people can do. im getting drawn to live2d again. i think animation is really ... IDK, i love it. i love live2d too. i love making things with it. i hadnt thought of myself as loving live2d, but when i think about it, i miss doing it. i think i may be getting closer to the heart of what i love and value most as a human, to be doing. like, ok, i have so many interests, so many things that catch my eye... i will always be excited at the prospect of doing them, and i will always be very disappointed at the thought of not doing them, whihc sucks cause i have so many. actually the thought of not doing them brings me more panicked frenzy than anything but thats besides the point.

animation is so hard, but when i do it, i think i might get a unique fulfillment..... granted, it could be the fact that i actually finished my animation, whereas it can be hard for me to do things sometimes.. like, i remember when i was making drawings for that ocxtober art challenge, i was proud of what i was putting out, and felt fulfilld doing that as well.. but animation is special to me i think. i did a bit of it in ~2016 im sure ive mentioned. got knd of into it i think. but then i left it behind for years.. the thought of how i wasnt doing it actually makes me very sad to think about, in a way im not sure otehr stuff even does... dont get me wrong, ive still got no interest in niching down. id rather die than pick just 1 thing to stick with forever. but i think right now i can identify animation as like, the one thing i absolutely want to keep doing, no matter what. i guess art in general id be just as devastated if not more if i gave up, but ive been an artist for 10 years, so i know that even if i dont make a digital drawing for like a month, i know im still "an artist", so i guess thats why its so particularly important to me that i not let animation slip away from me again, becuase i dont have that sort of foundation and it feels like im losing the chance to fulfill that dream when i dont work on it..

but also, i think if that weree just the case, then i would feel that way about more things. i like tetris, i like the idea of being good at tetris, but if i abandoned tetris for some years, i wouldnt be too broken up about the whole thing really. mostly id be mourning the fact my friends will no longer think its cool how well i can play tetris. but now that i know that animation is sometihng that i still can do and can do well enough that actual animators like it, i really dont want to let it go. i want to keep getting better at it.

live2d isnt nearly as important to me i think, not in a derogatory way, its very good and i love it, just not like 'greatest passion' love. it occupies a semi-similar brainspace with animation though i think. im sure ive mentioned it before, but while id hesitate to define myself as good at head angles or anything really, i will say that i am probably better at thinking about, draiwng, and/or animating head angles than somebody who hasnt done live2d sutff. that's something i'm, really itnerested in, thje interseciton of skills. by getting better at live2d i got better at animation/draiwng in a way i hadnt even realized. it reminds me again fo that person who is really good at live2d and also 3d modelling, two factors which i am dead set on being convinced are linked.

ahhhh, this ramble is so pointless and disorganized, im fighting not to edit it. i like the fact this blog is stream of consciousness even if it makes me want to rip my skin off sometimes. anyway, yeah, i love it, i love stuff, i love things, i love i love i love. i love cool skills and cool things and the people who make them. thats waht life is all about........ doing and making cool stuff..... and also like the power of friendship or something IDK. i guess my priorities are a bit askew cause i feel like i should say the most important thing to me is like spending time with family or some shit and that IS very improtnat to me liek family and friends and shit but just on a different level. social stuff brings me joy when i engage in it but ill be real with you i straight up dont think to do it. like eveoyne always reaches out to me first to talk not because i hate them or anything like that but just cause like i dont. Think to tlak to people or hang out with them? and obviously, well look around you at this blog, im always thinking about Doing and making cool stuff. so even though i guess i hesitate to say thats my top priority, it kind of semes like my brain has already decided that for me. ahhhh, i am a very "morally driven" person though. like, just in the way that, i think that evaluating things by their moral value is the most imporant value to evaluate them by.

like i dont like to condemn things or people on the basis that theyre just upsetting to me if i dont find something to genuinely be morally wrong with them, for example... and in the opposite way, even if someone is funny or i would otherwise like them, if they have shit values then i dont like them and everything they do will become annoying to me... which all this i say not necessarily to say i have some kind of moral high ground but just to say that i find moral value to be the most important value evaluator if that maeks sense. Of course you could probably attribute it to religious upbringing or something eventhough i am not now religious. but yeah, its kind of interesting, even though i value morality above all, and i love my friends + family and think theyre very important to me, the thing that ends up running through my mind the most often and most consciously relates most to skill and productivity... i guess i am sigma male grindset, everybody. ive been denying my ture nature all along.

was there a point to this....? ummm no i dont think so. in fact i might ven disagree iwth some of the things ive said now that ive said them. yetanother reminder to not take anything i say mega seriously... i am very capable of being wrong so at best its just food for thought... not that i think anyone is coming to me for their opinions anyway but you never know who could be seeing the things you write. ok, well, you do if they tell you, but othewise you wouldnt know.. waht the fuck am i talking about.

RIGHT, OK, so in conclusion, i want to do and make cool things, i started sutff marginally earlier today and am ending it way later, animation is important to me as i keep saying over and over, iwanna do live2d again, my priorities are ?, and i should probably go to bed right about now. ahhh, i feel like i have more to say but i cant put a finger on it, which means i should probably cut it off because im going to keep repeating myself and rambling aimlessly. ahhhh so fun to ramble aimleslsyt though. what. Ok. goodnight evertybdoy, thanks for raeedinfg adn have a good one

Entry 82

(11/4/2022 2:47 am) so, i dont tinnk the strategy im trying is working very well. IDK, i was tihnking about giving it another day, but i think its worse than what i was doing already. i got a better idea though. instead of trying new strategies adn not following through with them, i should go back to what worked in the past... i remember, when i was just starting this blog, i updated it a fair bit more. i do once a day as it is but i think at peaked i reached 3 or 4 in one day? i think this was beneficial to me. i think that a causor of my procrastinatino is if iget started doing another thing i will get carired away with it.. and ujpdating this blog makes me concsiocusly think about my goasl, so if i do it relatively early in the day, it would probably prevent me from focusing my energy on something irrelevant to them... so i think THATs the way to go, maybe. we'll see. i fele more confident about that than i do about the clock thing though. that was kind of silly i guess. mostly it inconvenienced me or was counterproductive by making me think less about the time. oh right i havent talked about how i did today

did ~20 minutes english schoolwork really not much. didnt do anything related to python because .. i want to fail the class i guess i duno! srsly though tomorrow i gotta get back on track there cause thats not working out. i did my 30 minutes of math. ia lso did my art studies. i used pomodoro for them which i dont usually. actually i dont really do the breaks in pomodoro because they dont feel like they help so i guess when i say i use a pomodoro timer i literally just mean i set a timer for 30 minutes instead of checking the clock as a means of keeping myself on track. and now im updating me blog! so thatsmy day. well, im leaving out some stuff, like i watched a movie, and played a game for a bit, but it didnt feel relevenat to mention.. im mentioning it now though. so watevr iguess. anyway. im sleepy now so gooodniiightttt neocities nation. thanks for reading this and have a good one

Entry 81

(11/3/2022 3:20 am) heyyyyyyyy im tired an should slepe. gonna soon. did english schoolwork. skiped python schoolwork. did 20 minutes of math and 20 minutes of art stuff. the clock thing .... is interesting. we will see how it owrks out in the futue. i sitll ahve high hopes for it. i think usually, it goes like this... axiety that im spending my time bad -> checks time to see how much time its been and if im using my time well -> it hasnt been that much time since the last time i checked the clock so i am reassured and stop thinking about it. but often i have a very good reaosn to be anxious... so i like that under this new model its: anxiety that im spending my time bad -> what fucking time is it -> it has either been 5 minutes or 5 hours since the last time i checked the clock and i have no idea which -> the way i resolve the anxiety is by acxutally doing the thing. which should work bettr. i did indeed not do my best today and i got raound to things later than planned but im hoping thats just growing pains. wanna slepe now. thanks for reaidng have a nice day

Entry 80

(11/2/2022 ??? am. i think its 2:40..?) haiii neocities nation. so i did a funny thing today. a bad thing actually. i did not do any schoolwrok.. only did math and animated. and i started on THAT at 1 am. so yeah, bit of a fail day. i have .. . Plan though. Not sure if itll work out for me cause i feel like every time i try osmething new i become briefly convinced it was the missing puzzle piece that would make me a normal eprson all along and then aftr a few days i Get A Bit Sloppy With It. so, i wotn elaborate out of potential embarrassment if this goes poorly for me.. BUT yeah just FYI tomrorow i will be triyng something. Hopefully. anyway. i finisehd me animation! i put it in the critique chanel i hope the people critique me. after that i will apply to this dang project.. well maybe after a few days. i want just a few more examples to pad out my portfolio, probably static drawings rather than animations considering how time consuming it is though. im trtying to get to bed Earlier tonight .. But well Things happen (The Things Are That Im Bad At Time Management). ill still end up in bed earlierthan 4 am methinks which was the TRUE goal but i have an appointment early in the day tomorrow so. EPIC FAIL! anyway. i dont want to talk for mich logner. actually though i have to wait for my fucking uhhhh speedpiant to be done editing and i Dont have anytghig better to do in the mean time so CHIT CHAT!!!! i will talk for much longer actrually.

so i guess now that im being forced by gunpoint to talk i will talk about the thing im going to try because well what else is there. i think a big driving fear for me, and ive said this in the past, is that im afriad of time passing, or managing my time poorly, or wasting it or sometihng.. time is just so scary. shit is always happeninmg. like why. stop it. ANYWAY. because of this anxiety i have around th epassage of time, i like being able to see the time at the corner of my monitor. i dont usually do things on the tv or get off my compuiter if im not prompted to by outside forces becuase i dont like how i cant see the clock. but, while having profound revelations in the shower a few days ago (i was joking about being unabel to rembmer. well kind of. it was like, mostly incoherent, but in the way that i mostly got what i was going for.), i thought, maybe the cure is the poison. or the poison is the cure, or whatever.

like, ok, i use looking at the time as a reassurer. ... like, if im putting something off, but i dont technically have to do it yet, ill get anxious, then look at the clock, and go, oh, ok, i still have time... in that case, the reassurance is detrimental to my success. the cure to my time anxiety is really. . . whats been poisoning me all along!!! and obviously, it will keep me from doing things that are fun, because i feel anxious if i dont know how long its been or will be... which brings around to the reversal, which is that the poison is the cure!!! it is possible that the way i deal with this time anxiety is not by reassuring myself via observation but rather to deal with it head on... not only possible, but very likely. only by Doing the thing im so afraid of will i learn to be less afraid of it... or, something like that. that seems to be what most of the Enneagram 5 Growth Tips say.

so, theres the problem.. assumign ive correctly identified it, which, as always, i might notve. sometiems you tihnk you know shit and are just WRong. even about yourself. but, assuming tahts the problem, i think the solution is clear... or, thers probqbbly a clearer solution. i took the clock off my computer so its not always staring me in the face. i can still google the time if i really need it i justam going to try not havng a clock. ill probably rverse it fast but if i dont then maybe this would help me. its all spitballing at this point TBH. it will probably force me to use pomodoros though to keep track of time. cause usually when i say "il do math for 30 minutes" i just wait until its like X:00 and then stop when i look at the clock and see its X:30. but pomodoro seems betterr for focus so hopefully this would make em actually use it.. i could even be a pomodoro guy..!?!!?!?

ok, its 3:17 now because i took a mild detour to watch a 10 minute video (it was my own video) (the speedpaint i was wroking on ealrieR) which is actually quite terirfiyng to me, especailly because the time was passing and i didnt know how long it was. lads i think i am in over my head. its FINE its FINE. maybe i will just reverse it tomorrow IDK. we will do a test run. ANYWAY. thanks for reading and have a nice day!!!!! i will go bed now,. and wake up ....... probably ven later than i have been. god dammit. well goodnight all

Entry 79

(11/1/2022 2:40 am) eioguughhhhh. so ooooo tired. i did an english assignemnt today, then i got dressed for hallowen and took pics with family for a long time... scrubbed cat pee also. then i got back here and put off Tasks until like 1:40 am (barring the previously mentinoed english task). im skipping python schoolwork and i only did 10 minutes of math cause i . was WAY too sleepy to keep focused. and ir eally just wanted to sleep. so. Bare minimum it is baby! thats about it, i really do want to sleep and ive had a very busy day. so wack and evil how every single day i wake up and have to do things. like what da hell who decides this (me i do). anyway thanks for reading srry its a short one have a nice day hope you had a good halloween and gootbye

Entry 78

(10/31/2022 3:15 am) SO i submitted an incomplete assignment for english. it was most of tfhte way done so hopefully itll be ok still eels a Bit shit though. anyway today i showered (!!!) twice (???) beucase i had to bleach and dye my hair in the same day to get ready for tomrorow which is to say today... halloween!!! (!!!),. i think while in the shower i had profound revelations about the way time is spent. and then i forgot them after via shower doorway effect. well i probably didnt need those life knoweldges anyway. sour grapes something something.. anyway it feels good to be clean. and brightly colored once more! oh also i finsiehd my python assignments like 2 days early im bossing. AND im probably done with the lines for my animation so im mega bossing. well. im sure theres something to be improved there always is. but ideally i would like to actually finish it at some point so we're saying i'm done with the lines for now and moving onto color because its not too hideous.

had thoughts about a better way to oragnize my school time, potentially..... noooo idea if they will become real or not. sometimes ideas sound good and you try them and theyre meh. i keep thinking ill enjoy pomodoro method and then i try it and i dont like it. but every time im like well i should like this right. isnt this the exact thing i like breaking it up into time chunks. but no i dunno something about the timer makes me get weird. anyway this wacky fantastical idea i had is basically just What if i did pomodoro timers again but this time maybe something will change and i will like it..? I know, it sounds aweosme.

something needs to change. not sure what. well, im sure what, its my time management skills, im just not sure How. i acutally am kind of unsure about how people go about enacting personal change even thouigh thats a thing im trying to do. Phooey. well, anyway, that seems to be my constant state. i was gonna say nowadays but actually i think thats me forever all time. awlays thinking Soemthings gotta change. and even if i do change to that thing theres something unexpectedly wrong with it... (eg: ahhh i do nothing all day! i gotta change! ok.. i will do some stuff everyday. ahhh i put it off until the last minute! i gotta change! ok.. i will start it earlier. ahhh i lose momentum and end up doing it late in the day anyway! i gotta change! ok.... i wil try again with timers.) but anyway, yeah, always thinking i gotta change, which i guess is emblematic of my whole Thing about self improvement.

really im sure other people are also like this but i guess its just a littel surprising to realize hgow much of a Thing this is for me. like i look obsessed. i think i have been hiding it from ymself because i think its embarrassing how obsessed i am with it with so little to show for it. so thats why i didnt thik i cared about it as much as i do. but if you look at what my brainspace is occupied with, theres a lot of desire for positive change and to do more stuff. and OBviously also some stuff ghats not that.

well anyway i dont really have much of anything else to say. asmall recap: woke up, ate, started essay, bleached + dyed hair, ate, lazed around for a while, had an Oh Shit moment, did as much of my essay as i was humanly capable of doing in an hour and a half, did python assignments, did math with my head held to the side the whole time because one of my nostrils was blocked and i was producing an obscene amount of snot, worked on my animation, came here. a packed day if you say... anyway. thanks for reading, have a nice day, and gooooootnight

Entry 77

(10/30/2022 3:10 am) also being shrot tonight. ummmm made some good progres tonight i did put stuff off though. got a thingy due tomorrow. worked on school works. that is about all there is to say on the matter... thanks for reading and have a good one!

Entry 76

(10/29/2022 3:27 am) keeping this short cause i wanna go to bed. thje group project is over, i am now a free unburdened butterfly, except not really cause i got an assignment due in 2 days. i did my english schoolwork, art studies, studied python albeit for a far shorter amount of time than i shouldve, and did math for a slightly shorter time than i shouldve. im merely a sleepy guy. today also held procrastination but not of the same flavor as yesterday. im just glad to be done with that. i mean,im not done with the class, but that projecta nd this whole mini era for me specifically. lets hope tomorrow is better. cheers! thanks for reading! have a nice day

Entry 75

(10/28/2022 4 am) listen .. i know i just got done saying my life was making a drastic improvement as my procrastination was no longer as bad. and i am just here ot say.... I TAKE IT BACK!!!. ok, to be fair, i think icouldve functinoed pretty well if not for external circumstances. i have a group project i dont now if i mentioned that yet oh yeah i did wlel yeah anyway i have a group project and UGH and its just and i and its a and its its suck.s. and its embarrassing so i dont want to elaborate but Bascially some relatively simple blockages and just confusion + not knowing what to do + feeling anxious about it made me pretty much shut down adn go hard into avoidance mode for like the majority of the day. i did a tiny bit of english schoolwork and barely touched my python textbook, so i missed the python schoolwork id say but i am gonmna count the english stuff. but yeah, basically to lay out my day, i did a bit of english schoolwork at like 2 pm, and then didnt do anything until 3 am when i faced the facts and did math and my art studies. i added a new frame to my animation today.

BLEH. but anyway, yeah, i. it was just like. well my asisgnment was freakin me out and what was freakin me out more was that i didnt know what to do between doing python schoolwork or trying further to reach out to my group project mates and basically anyway since i didnt know what to do i defaulted to what i probably always do when i get indecisive which is just Not Choose and do Neither Thing. so afraid of wasting like 30 minutes of my time that i wasted like 10 hours of it go me!!! anyway. just sucks i think. i do think this shwos a definite correlation between stress / anxiety / indecision and my procarstination habits though which is good cause i was kinda worired i was just talking out my ass and making shit up like i honeslty have no idea why i do things half the time i just make assumptions that sound true but they arent necessarily. but thing is i dont think its a coincidence that at my (so-far) peak of stress and confusion about my project THAT's when i decided to focus super hard on finding fan content for a show i like or whatever.

anyway that's about all. ugh. i am dreading tomrorow. i am dreading this class os much. i am full of dread! i hate this project i hate these people i hate this class ihate that i have to do this and i amnot a fan of this world rn. i just want to start screaming + attacking people. guys, have i mentioned that i hate this entire situation so much. i cant take it. i cannot take it. OK. well. thats enough of that. im gonna Stop being liek this and Be normal tomorropw. And ill probably have to do Half the fucking project and I wont be able to get the highest grade on it because 20% of the grade is teamwork and Half of my fucking team has not responded to me but its. I just want it done. If i never have to think aobut or look in the direction of this class again ill be happy but i know its gonna keep going for another like month. Upsetting. Ok yeah well ill deal with it. thanks for reading everoyne adn have a nice day

Entry 74

(10/26/2022 11 pm) Hello once more! did some schoolwork today, probably not ENOUGH schoolwork, but, well. it's my funeral! Hahahahahaa;aaaaa... Ok, well anyway. i decided i had gotten a bit hasty. i did schoolwrok for both classes today, did math, did art studies, and now im here, but i did not do my essay practice or python practice ... why? i dopnt think im capable of handling it right now. i would not dismiss the idea entirely, i do genuinely think itd benefit me to do those things, but trying to juggle 7 tasks 3 of them new when i'm in 2 accelerated courses was. well i was a bit unwise maybe. i am proud of myself though. my animation is coming along ... uh, i think. i think my life is sort of starting to slot into place now, maybe? well, i dunno. i'm of mixed feelings about it, i'll continue in a sec.

so, on one hand, i'm worried my life could take a downwards turn, becuase i am Up to my neck in schoolwrok . and quite frankly, im not entirely sure what to do about it, and its driving me a bit crazy. especially because i have a group project due in like 2 days and i . havent made any progress on it. only 1 person in my group even responded to me when i tried to organize things and this class does NOT accept late work so, you know, maybe i am feeling a bit stressed, MAYBE i shouldnt have taken a course thats 3 times faster than a normal one especially when it's a subject i quite frankly don't hve much experience in because as it turns out just being wordy and unable to coherently express things or achieve clarity without using thousands and thousands of words does not in fact a good writer make and in fact it may be a sign that im a worse writer that i struggle to communicate so badly i need to talk as much as i do but. I digress. hopefully ill come out the other end ok. ugh, i should prboably figure out how to set up a zoom meeting for the group project though, ive never fuckin used zoom before though.. or i mean like, to start a meeting :/

but well anyway, on the other side of things, i think my life is improving ... i mean, i guess at the same time as its going downhill (see above. guys ia m so fucking afriad). but like, these past few days i hvae started at 2 pm or earlier, im going to bed at a semi reasonable time, i finished tasks before midnight today ... and you know what, even if i have a big workload, even if i take several hours to do each task somehow, so long as i start them early enough in the day i will still be able to finish at a reasonable time, so i think thats good. the thing is.. the thing is..

if i have. ok. so. so. so sos so. i think ive exrpessed this before. no, i definitely have. but ill say it again, because i want to repeat myself. even though both times it looks like im just not doing tasks, i sort "time spent not doing tasks after ive done tasks" and "time spent not doing tasks before ive done tasks" very differently. time after ive done tasks is free time and time before ive done tasks is ... well, its not free time. its like. ill turn down friends invitiations to hang out because ill be like, ugh, im busy, but also, if they asked, i wouldnt be able to explain myself, because yeah, its not like im using THIS time to do anything either, im not not dong tasks cause i want to do something else im doing something else because i dont want to do tasks, its. its the diference between time spent procrastinating and genuinely actually stress-free free time, and the distinction is important to me i think.

its, ok, hold on. well m,this isnt totally related, but it came to mind. the schoolwork tasks, theyre hellish, because i really never know exaclty how much to do. it feels like no matter what i do i fall behind, but thats because im not doing enough, so if i did more then maybe it wouldnt feel like that, but if i did more then id burn out, and how much am i meant to study proportional to actively doing assignments, and ughhhhh its such a. Thing. i dont wanna overstress myself, but i dont wanna fall behind eitrher....?!! how much is a reasonable amount to be doing in a day? how much can i make myself do in a day without just like. dying? i think i had some of these struggles when i started doing art studies and maybe math too, where i was initially unsure of how to go about them beofre i Figured It Out, so now, im just hoping that these things can become as familiar to me. blehh, anyway..

when im Procrastination mode whatver im doing is usually menial but something frenzied and frantic. less of something im doing becuase i want to do it and more something i do because i dont like the alternative. i think this is where peoples biggest grievances with social media and video games or whatver come from, if you use them as procrastination tasks or whatever because your desperately triyng to escape from your life then obviously itll be megashit, i think you can get value from them if you treat them different thouhh. ANYWAY. yeah, when im in procrastination mode, i dont want to Do Anything, because 1) im usually so. Out of sorts that the idea of doing anything just feels like. Well no i cant do that no reasons why. and 2) because then im like WELL if i can go watcha moive or do a drawing or wahtever then i can do my tasks. and then i dont do either of them

but, well, even when i go against that instinct and watc a movie or draw or hang out with a freind when i got Stuff To Do, thats not satisfying eihter really. in the moment its nice, and i cherish th e time spent, but when im done i just know i spent like several hours doing Not My Tasks, and it makes me More Upset than i would be if i had just wasted time doing nothing for some reason ...? it is again about being present.

but anyway, when im not doing tasks i just end up doing nothing normally, which really stinks actually. you dont cherish all the free time you have. life lsoes its luster or whatever. now that im Swamped with schoolwork i envy the time that i Wasnt but the reality is whjen i wasnt i was miserable because even though i had all the time in the world i still felt like there would never be enough time in the day, i felt too low energy and simultaneously high strung + anxious to do any task,and it was just . It sucked idk! and i still feel like that a lot of the time nowadays except i also have to do schoolwrok so maybe its not so much a Before thing, and more just a 'What it feels like to not have things done'.

i sound like someone whos really into productivity when i talk like this. like saying that if i dont have things done i just get depressed. which, is really not the type of guy i am at all. i mean, Doing Things ranks very highly on the scale of importance for me, my greatest goals in life all involve being Good At Stuff which .. you have to practice to be good at things, so i have to do things .. if you look at the way my life and brain works right now, its all very focused on productivity, on 'habits' or 'routine' or whatever, on trying to improve the state of things.. but its a weird contrast, because if you look at who ive been so far, its all been mostly speculative, a lot of talk, a lot of trying, not a lot of success. so its like, Yes this is something im always tihnking about and rotating my life around, but No this is not something im good at... LOL.

i mena, just like, if you look at the person i am, its disorganized, i really dont do a lot of stuff.. but its been my goal to be a person who does a lot of stuff, and is i guess efficient is what youd call it, and if you look at the things im saying im talking and acting more like that person, and its just strange? like, ah, ok, there was this bit in i think it was atomic habits, where they siad that the most important change comes from your like mindset or self-image or whatvrer, like someone whos quitting smoking will have an easier time quittingif they refuse a cigarette by saying "no im not a smoker" than fi they do by saying "no im trying to quit", which is interesting.. i think it, applies, in a way,

its hard to be coherent about this, trust me im trying to make it make sense. i guess what im trying to say is that My Actions and the person i aspire to be have always been rather incongruent, like id say since roughly 2018 or 2019 ive been a "productivity-focused" person in bits and pieces, where id go at it for a few months and go off it for a few months, but even then itd be kinda messy or i wouldnt be able to commit or id be all thoughts and no action.. and now, the things im saying and thinking, are more in line with the person i aspire to be, which is.... weird? really realy weird? im uncomfortalbe. which i hope means im changing, because change is uncomfortable. i think the biggest thing for me right now is that im starting on things early in the day consistently for the past few days, at 2 pm or earlier. this is the most "productive person" thing ive been able to do i think. like, before, even though i was Doing Tasks, i was still procrastinating, and now im still procrastinating sure, but not procrastinating until midnight, which puts me on the levle of a functional human being, and i guess i am one of those and am capable of doing that.....? Wack. Wack. Its all wack.

like before i would think oh, i would love to see a day where i could get my tasks out of the way early and then do something artisticly fulfilling, or hang iwth a friedn, or work through my massive backlog, and yeah i alwys had the time to do those things but it never FELT like it, and now that day doesnt seem so far off...? a life where i could have a good day or do something cool or be happy every day, a life where i could have faith that im making progress and not stagnating and still have time to spend with those i love, one where "productivity" makes me more free and not less free? its still partially unviable due to the mountain of schoolwork i have, or maybe my ineptitude at handlign it, but it feels closer. sumthin about it kinda scary though, like cause as mentioned earlier it rubs against my self image all wrong, which is weird.

like yes this is what ive wanted, for a long time, to be able to do this semi efficiently at least, but im doing good enough at it that it straight up feels like i shouldnt be doing it. is this what they call self-sabotage or some shit. you know your prodcutivtiy journey is getting Real wehn you start to encounter and identify 'self sabotage' or sometihng like that.

im still reeling at the fact i got tasks done before midnight. and like yeah i cant be TRULY happy with things right now because my schoolwork is making me too unhapy but the very idea im getting tihs in before midnight when like a week ago that shit seemd unreachable is ??? ??????? maybe i guess i needed a change of strategy. or its a hormonal boost and maybe ill go back to being shit in a week orso. but whatever is going on.. well i wouldnt complain if i kept starting things early for the foreseeable future that is for certain.

another big thing that i think is making me happier with life or feel more fulfilled recently is animation, definitely. it still looks a bit jank but my animation is coming along? im like, im a guy who does animation now? not very much of it but when i posted it in the animators disc server some Real Animators liked it?? ive wanted to be an animator for a very long time and just never started but now that i have an excuse to force myself into it im actually really proud that im capable of doing this???

i dont know if im happy. i dont think im unhappy iether. i mean im anxious i think maybe and also all of my emotions are doing weird shit all the time like i think theyre just like hiding from me sometimes cause im like OK i should definitely be feeling some type of way about this and my thoughts certainly are but in terms of actual emotional reaction i just feel like the perfectly average man ... its weird i dunno wats going on there. i have a few theories about why my emoitons are Like That. first is that my aversion to vulnerability with people i love mightve manifested in some sort of aversion to recognizing vulnerabiity within myself whichwould be funny. another theory is that i Got really desensitized so now truly upsetting things are mildly anxiety inducing at best but things that owuld not upset normal people upset me to an unreasonable degree. third theory is that theres actually no real reason that im like this and i just am this way which is narratively unsatisfying and provides no solution so i dont like that one but i dont actualy have anything concrete to say the first two theories are true per se so it could absolutely be that i was just born a Strange Little Guy. Sometghing for me to chew on i suppose.

anyway i think tahts all i got for today i dont really like the way i worded any of this and quite frankly i want to delete al of it but im fighting the urge for sake of Blog Update and Being Candid being more important than Being Coherent so. Well. Thats what ivegot! Thanks for sticking with me and have a nice day.

Entry 73

(10/26/2022 1:45 am) HELLOOOOO poopoo nation. i started at 1pm today which si awsome but i didnt do all tasks which is not awesome. i got the importanest ones done though (some schoolwork, math, art studies, the deal). TBH i may have been hasty in attempting to add the other ones at this current stage in my life. but well i keep trying. im a bit worried. buttttttt i did an OK chunk today. so iwill just wait for tomrorow. Bleeeeeeeeeehh! ok thanks for reading Gootnight evrey1

Entry 72

(10/24/2022 9:39 pm) helloooo neocities nation. i have done quite a lot today! i started at 1 pm and am just now ending at around 10 pm. if i had to estimate id say i spend arouuuund 7-8 hours doing Tasks today. TBF it wouldve taken less time but i was measuring when i was "done" with the school tasks by how 'done' i felt with them rather than time, so i ended up taking longer tahn 30 minutes on them doing assingments and such. what'd i do today? well, lets recap..

i made a daily task on habitica (my habit tracker) to start on tasks at 2 pm or earlier. i can't believe i didn't think of this before. it's such a simple solution and you know what, the one day i've been using it has worked so far, so i'm gonna see where it takes me. so i guess, i'm counting that as a micro-task. then, for my 'essay-writing practice' time slot, i looked up articles on how to write essays... listen, ill start writing them tomorrow, and yes im being genuine there. i do genuinely want to start doing that but i really just had no idea where to begin because its been a long time since my last essay. so, i needed to figure out the 'rules' if you will. anyway.. i poked around my english assignments for a bit, to figure out exactly what i needed to do, because before, my idea of my first assignments was kind of vague. have i mentioned i'm regretting taking an accelerated class? this is 3 times the pace it's supposed to be. why do i do this to myself. ANYWAY, i did part of an english assignment (i had to write an essay for it so i guess i didn't get to skip out on essay practice go figure), then i struggled painfully through a python assignment for like an hour or two. i took a break to eat, revisited an old chapter in my python textbook, learned something new and then probably forgot it, worked on my animation, did some math very lightheartedly, and now i am just chillin. feels weird to be updating this blog before midnight. no idea what to do with this strange amount of post-task free time. usually when i spend time doing non-task things i'm procrastinating and it's not just "done with tasks and got extra time" but today. today it is.

personally im thinking perhaps i'll watch a movie. i'm thinking of watching the second space odyssey movie, and yes there is a second one, because i read the second book and i want to see it adapted to the Silver Screen. i've heard it's kind of not as good and that they shoehorned in a cold war storyline though....? but, i've also seen people referencing lines from the movie that were not in the book, and i'm jelly that i'm not in on it. so... i do plan to watch that, i don't know if i'll actually watch that tonight because watching movies can be like pulling teeth for me sometimes, but i don't really have any reason not to, so i guess i ought to knock it off the list! look at me, watching movies of my own free will. so proud. makes me tear up sometimes (lying).

oh right i still have to clean that fountain thingy. i was just thinking like is there any better way i could be spending my time right now and that piopped into my head. i really ought to do that soon but its late at night and i really prefer to do that task earlier in the day + my faucet is being weirdy ever since my Father tampered with it so we are nawt doing it tonight. i guess that is it....? in shock to bleieve i am done. is this what it feels like... to be nomral...? LOL. ok, thanks for reading everyone, have a nice day and goooootbye. oh yeah, i will porbalby go to bed earlier tonight!

Entry 71

(10/24/2022 1:45 am) i dont wanna talk too long today cause it looks like i ahve a good shot of being in bed early but heres whats gone on: started tasks 11:40 pm (shocking new early start! wow!), was hoping i would do some work on my english stuff upcoming but Lol No i did not do that, just studied my python textbook, did my math, and got sucked into animating for a while. whenever i do the art stuff i totally lose track of time and even sometimes want to go longer, even though with other thingsim checking the time at a constant rate.. anyway, animation is hard, who knew. oh, part of why i started late could possibly be attributed to the 2:30 min movie i watched with family. anyway... tomorrow, i do actually have reason to believe i could potentially actually implement the plans i made a few days ago into my schedule, because i made a slightly clearer plan for thme... it is. however. intimidating. usually my procrastination is caused by nothing in particular, or usually fear masquerading as disinterest. but now i have an actual reason. when i think about starting on my english assignments, i feel Fear masquerading as Fear. it worries me a lot. im actualyl very scared. i am worried i wont be able to handle it. im scared, i already have a hard time managing my schedule when i feel normal and not afraid, but i can only imagine it'll be even worse now that i'm worriyng about it, and with higher stakes too.. .but aghhh, i just need to get into a groove with it. or. something. ANYWAY. i wanna cut this short. thanks for reading everoyne, have a nice day, let's have high hopes for tomorrow

Entry 70

(10/23/2022 2:58 am) not in much of the talky mood tonight.. i got my tasks done, but usally a bit more 20 minutes than 30 minutes. oh yeah, i completed the second space odyssey book, and im becoming a weirdo about it. to elaborate on tasks, i did ~20 minutes of studying for my software design class, 20 minutes of math (i was falling asleep :( ), and ~30 minutes of animating. the animating was the easiest part to focus on, as it relaly always is. it sucks cause i woke up earlier today (~10 am) due to factors outisde my control (loud family) and ie nded up staying up late for reasons that were mostly but not entirely my fault. i was gonan start on tasks at 10:30 but then my friend decided he needed to talk to me so i only started on tasks 1:30 and was feeling pretty evil overwhelmed by it all and like ripping + tearing. Gotta get my shit together. let's hope for a better tmorrow. thx for reading and have a nice day.

Entry 69

(10/22/2022 2:29 am) hallow... i wanna keep this update short so i dont stay up mega forever. who knows though. i got my school studying, animation, and math done starting at... you're never gonna believe it.. midnight. yeah, bit of an epic fail. to be fair, i had a flu shot appointment earlier today, which kind of threw me off balance, but it is still an epic fail. wateeeverrr.. anyway, i think i plan on making a change soon. my english class starting in roughly a week looks like it iwll be fucking Grueling. and there are other things too. so i want to change to adjust to these factors.

thing is, i am very good at getting everything in the day Done... just not good at getting it done early. in a sense, my habit is formed, but because im not efficeint at it, i feel i still have work to be done.. tomorrow i am devising a new torment to inflict on myself. i will have an alarm go off every hour to force me to be aware of how i am spending my time. will this pan out? only time may tell. probably not, but iwill tryt anytihng. really, i think itd be much easier if i would just be aware of the time i was spending during the day.. its easy to believe its pure ignorance, but thinking back, its definitely avoidance tinged. i was hoping we would be done with avoidance soon but here it is.

but anyway, i said before, that i didnt want to pile too much on my plate before i could handle what i already have. and i think, im ok at handling it. i could be a lot better at hnadling it, but i think im doing well enough, better than i mightve even expected of myself. ~50 days with no gaps, that's not something to scoff at, at least not to me. aynway, my software design class is ramping up somewhat in difficulty. i realize now that there are gaps in my comprehension as i go through the textbook, little bits where i don't remmber what they're tlaking about. i often skim things because of the time limit, i know that ihave to learn these things by the end of the week and as soon as thats over we move onto the next thing.. although the late policy is lenient, it obviously weighs on me, and keeps me from truly understanding the material. so i would like to perhaps take a bit of time every day, to truly go through the textbook, and try my best to underrstand what im reading.. to do the exercises, experiment a bit, and actually learn about this language.. but of course, ive gotta do this in conjunction with my current python studying, because if i abandoned my current studies to return to fundamentals when i'm still in the middle of learning fundamentals i'd never be able to do my currenta ssignments before the class ends.

so, that current plan, my python learning plan, is roughly 30 minutes of studying the current week and attempting the current week's assignments, and roughly 30 minutes where i go back to earlier chapters and try my best to refine my understanding of what's there.. it'll certainly need to be stress tested, because sometimes you don't realize something won't work until you've tried it, but it doesn't sound unreasonable. but, i'm adding another thing too. my english class, as previously mentioned, seems Fucking Scary. i want to dedicate 30 minutes to it every day for sure, and more if i have the attention for it, in fact ill probably NEED to dedicate more, but anyway, i want to dedicate 30 minutes to trying to understand the material and working on the assignments for that class every day. i also want to dedicate a different 30 minutes to writing practice essays so i learn better how to write good essays, because i know fuckall about what makes one good and that scares me TBH.

i'm followjng a guide on redit about how to write essays better, where you write one every day, share one every week, revise based on feedback gotten from sharing every week, and read 2 professional essays a week.... i dunno, how well i can commit to all of that. it sounds like a good idea, but i find weekly schedules just slide off my brain a lot easier than daily scheduels. but anyway, it says itd help you improve writing in general, which is something i aleady want to do, because i have writing aspirations, because of course i do... lol.

so anyway, that means 2 hours of schoolwork basically, but i was already generously aiming for ~1 hour of schoolwork every day, so we can say the extra hour is just due to Double the Class Double the Time and not me breaking it up into 4 separate chunks for some rason. agghhhh, i am a bit stressed about school, not emotionally but cognitively... well, i dunno if im using those words right. more, my mind is unsure if ill be able to handle the workload quite frankly, which is worrying, but i wouldnt say that im "stressed" or that its "worrying" me, because i dont FEEL like that, im not sweaty or anything.

ah.... a different habit i was interested in adding. i won't lie, i am kind of a messy character. my surroundings ... let's just say i do not pick up the trash very often. im somewhat reticent to share these details because i dont like anyone knowing how disgusting i am but this is my self improvement blog and if i dance around whats wrong i will never go anywhere so lets just say i have a very messy desk. i'm somewhat interested in adding a habit to tidy up for 5 minutes every day. im worried i couldnt do it though, its just kind of intimidating, and its giving me hives. honestly, i feel weirdy about trying any new habtis that require me to get up from my desk, but this is likely a personal barrier rather than anything that makes sense...

maybe if i tidy for 1 or 2 minutes instead, thatd be more tolerable. thinking of it now, i do think i somewhat overexaggerated. it's dusty around here, but the trash amount is not super high, or at least not as high as it used to be. i feel like if i went for 5 full minutes of tidying, id run out of trash to collect and start sweeping or sometihng, which is a thought that gives me hives, and not because of my dust allergy ba dum tss.. however, if i went for only 2 minutes, i could remove the daily buildup of trash without feeling an obligation to do a deep clean or something.. its hard to put into words why i have an aversion to cleaning the whole thing, its probably the smart thing to do, i think my brain is just melting from the idea of trying to do a full desk clean on top of whatever else is going on also.

im looking for a bit of tidying so idont live in a pigs sty, nothing too extreme, i think thats a fine goal to set.. so if youre paying attention youll realize thats like 5 things ive changed, 4 of those things relatively high stakes and somewhat experimental if it'll even work out for me or not, so you know, i feel awesome. honestly i'm not sure when i'll implement these changes, ideally it'd belike ... tomorrow, or something, but Difficulty. so, we will see. i know that this seems to be the right next step for me, though. and i have a good idea of what the step after this one will be, too.

well ok, nobody asked, but i'll share. this step focuses on 3 aspects: python, writing, and cleaning. the next step after this would ideally also focus on 3 aspects: web development, art, and video-related stuff. you might say why complicated, you're already doing art stuff! to which i say .... yes. that is true. BUT, i want to do more art stuff and different art stuff. and by web development, i just mean learning a bit of html and css to make this here blog less ugly.. bog standard stuff. and the video stuff.. well, i srot of prommied my folowers id start streaming again semi-soon, which was Very smart of me, so that's pretty non-negotiable. i do have a passion for video stuff, just .. you know, not one with any sort of skill attached, hehehe.

it's cool to see where i am right this moment and look backa little. a few months imade a list of the habits i wanted to have organized by importance. it was like a hundred items long btw no exaggeraation i'm still depressed i cant have all of them BUT at the top of the list was to get schoolwork out of the way quickly, to do math, to study art, and ... well ok, the blog wasnt on there, this was an extreme impulse decision on my part, and one that i think is actually paying off for me funny enough. what was actually on there after that was i think having a good sleep schedule, which uh... ahahahaha..... you know, 3 out of 4 isnt bad? that is, if you even count the schoolwork one, because despite making a valiant effort to study every day that certainly doesnt mean i am quicker on assignments..

but, anyway, if you look at it less specifically, it is pretty cool how i'm sliding into the life i was envisioning for myself. the math i'd kept up with before for relatively long stretches of time, but the art stuff felt genuinely pretty far-away and unattainable, i was expecting it to be a huge drag especially because i dont draw digitally that much (ok, wait, ill explain.. everything polished i do is digital, i just dont do polished stuff that often. i draw traditionally every day, just sketches, but to clarify i genuinely consider myself a wholly digital artist. the digital art is the stuff i show other people, the traditional art is just the stuff i have to doodle and get out of my body on a daily basis so that i dont go insane)

but anway, if i did draw digitally, it would either have to be some big polished thing, or a total shitpost made in ms paint for funzies / complete low stress doodle with no in between. drawing stuff in clip studio paint just seemdd like such a Serious Process to me, but i tink that opening it and pulling out my tablet every isngle day for the past ~2 months has really made it less .... i dunno , intimidating? it never scared me before, it just felt like a weird gap... oh anyway, i do remmber i wanted to have a website. i tnink i wanted one morelike the stuff i look up to, thats very pretty and self expressiony, rather than a rambly ugly blog, but i do inded have a website, so mission accomplished? and i update it regularly, which is what i wanted... its funny how dreams come true in unexpected ways.

anyway, thats about all, ive been typing for like 30 minuts whihc is evil of me. but yeah, ill try my best to get things done earlier tomorrow, hopeuflly implement new tactics and try to start new habits. we'll see how it goes, maybe i stick to the way things have alraedy been going, but it'll be interesting to see what i do anyhow. thanks for reading everyone, have a nice day, and see you tmrw

Entry 68

(10/21/2022 2:31 am) hello internet fellows. just got done doing some math, roughly 25 minutes of it.. i know, not 30, very scandalous. i did my schoolwork much earlier in the day, think around 2 pm, and didnt do my art and math stuff until.. midnight agaih :P i am a silly fellow. IN MY DEFENSE, i was stressed due to external factors. i think usually i put stuff off cause im like blehhh im too tired i need time to recover from the last task. but then when i have to start and cant possibly avoid it any longer i just do it and realize the power was within me to do this all along, like in some sort of anime. then the next day i immediately forget that i realized that. ANYWAY, theres not a full model sheet for the new character design i was trying to animate, so i switched gears from a run cycle to a far more simple head tilt to try and practice animation with this new model.

animation is fun, but also very hard, and so messy, and so tedious, its actually extremely unbearable, and quite frankly i dont know how anyone does this for a living? i mean, when it comes together and you have made something move, thats an irreplaceable feeling, and the very thought of giving up on animation or abandoning it and not trying to get any better at it / Not Being An Animator is giving me hives, but the fumbling stage. i am FUMBLING. it wasnt frustrating though, i find when im drawing i dont get frustrated very often, not like an emotion frustrated, just like Hmm theres a problem gotta fix this. if ive been working on the problem for a REALLY long time i mgiht get frustrated or upset, but generally i am chill, its like figuring out a puzzle when i try to finagle something that just looks off into looking right..

so that was how i felt trying to figure out animation today, a bit like trying to figure out a puzzle. i cant quite put it into words, but the process of animation itself is just tiring to my brain. its like, too much to keep all in there at once or something, my brain rejects it violently, and i just dont know the right way to .. organize things, in any sense. but, ive always had this sense, that this sort of thing (making an animation, or a comic, or learning some type of 3d modelling or sometihng along those lines) is extremely beneficial for your art. i dont have hard proof for it, just a general sense.. i think that, if you comitted yourself to making a comic, with say a story, for a long time, that as long as you tried to draw the images in your head, you would draw a lot of things you wouldnt draw ordinarily.. a different background, a strange closeup, a weird angle, a pose, a chraacter doing something you wouldnt have dranw them doing were it not in a comic, basically.. and that sort of thing goes for animation too, maybe, i think. 3d modelling is less related to my points about sequential art, but im always thinking about how the lines in which these fields intersect.. i imagine if you knew how to 3d model, you would be a much better 2d artist, and potentially vice versa, though personally whenever ive tried 3d model stuff in the past i just get overwhelmed more then anything, heh

but anyway, when you said head tilt, you mightve imagined straight on, but NO, i wanted to "challenge myself" or something wicked like that, so im making it a PROFILE head tilt.. the one where the head comes closer to and farther away from the camera. ok, thats incomprehensibel, but i dont care ot attach an image example, so youll have to deal. i tohught itd look impressive on my application, but what im realizing is that itll only look impressive if i pull it off right.. but i dont want to back down. i think i could make my application look a lot better if i stuck in the realm of what i already knew, because what the application calls for is jsut to draw the character in the provided art style, and not anything too challenging or specific.. .however, i know that if i get in, i will have to do a lot of challenging things, like hopefully ACTION SCENES AND ANGLES.. that would make me so happy if i got to do that :D oh it would be so cool, icould point at it and go LOOK i amde the cats FIGHT!!!. so yeah, iknow if i get in i would have to do a lot of wicked hard stuff, so i feel i should get accustomed to hard stuff now so it doesnt present a wicked surprise for me when i get in..

im cautiously excited once more! its fun to learn something new, but i really dont care for tutorials. well, that's a lie, i tend to oscillate between two extremes, which is playing it very safe cautious and living by instruction, and going balls to the wall and just turning off my brain entirely. i dont know why a middle ground is so hard for me? if i do something out of my comfort zone it can often be like my voice of reaosn is just gone entirely. like when im playing minecraft bed wars (ok, its showing now thati was/am a minecraft youtuber..) i will play cautiously, and keep thoughts in my mind, but i know that the better strategy is to play aggressively.. so i switch to plying aggressively, but even though im logically aware of the best 'strategies' i just turn out to be blind and stupid while doing it? it could be linked to adrenaline maybe, or possibly thats just how learning is, becuase "knowing the strategies" obviously doesnt equate to actually having experience playing in an aggressive way.. i guess it doesnt super matter. hey what the fuck was i talking about

oh yeah, so anyway, i did animate a fair amount around ~2016, and ive watched animation and seen tips an such over the years, + i know how to use some of the basic animation features of my program, so im not a total newb, but anyway, i know just enough that i can 'do an animation' but becuase i dont like, 100% remebmer how to do it (and i was never particularly GOOD at it in the first place, mind you..), im sort of fumbling and awlays unsure of if im doing it right? well, art is subjctive, but if my art isnt coming out the way i intend it to, then thats not 'doing it right' to me. but anyway, i see the animators in the server for the applicants, and some of the more experienced ones ... the experiential gap is just so obvious!!! i want to nkow where they're getting this stuff from!!! (and then when i know.... i will put it in a list... to revisit... and then never revisit it. this ios how i roll, like it or leave it... i wish i could leave it)

these animators, they seem willing to give out constructive criticism, which is good, because i don't really seek or receive that pretty much ever. partially it's sensitivity, i wouldn't consider myself any more sensitive than the average person but i think even for normal reasonable people it can be something you have to learn to not get defensive or discouraged by criticism. another, significantly larger part, is probably just that i dont think about it? like it really doesnt cross my mind ever. i show my art to my friends for feedback, but friends are not people you get concrit from. which leads into the other reason, which is that i dont know Where to get concrit from.. im sure its not hard to find if i look, but seeking out someone to insult my art (exaggerating) is already kind of a hard sell, so if it's any harder than it being right in front of me then, at least for the moment, it's not that likely i'll do it in all honesty.

anyway, i have actually wanted to get concrit recently... not because ithink my art looks bad, its ok, but i think recently ive been getting more 'serious' about art, whichis territory that probably comes with doing it and thinking about it in some capacity every single day, and wanting to get into a Cool Kids Club of mega awesome animators really bad, and i think constructive criticism or at least some kind of feedback is indeed some form of necessary if oyu want to get Realy good at art, which obviously i do!, so i've been thinking huh, i should prboably start doing that.. but i dont know a lot of Pro Artists, which isnt to say anything bad about the people around me, their art is genuinely lovely and i love it, but just to say that i want to seek people out who are more experienced than me rather than right around my skill level so that they don't end up teaching me their mistakes, or anything like that.. so, i guess thats another thing holding me back from pursuing concrit.

but yeah, since animation is such a struggle for me, and these people seem to be giving out genuinely good feedback on animation, i would like to post my animation once it is "done" and receive feedback on it, maybe ill learn something? im not gonna post it BEFORE its done thouh that would be embarrassing. ima notorious WIP hater (lie) (well) (maybe not that big a lie) (i get shy if it is strangers..)

anyway, oh, i just tohught of a way to talk about my animation struggle... so i was working on a frame for a fairly long time, well proablby not that long, but you know, it was a struggling beginning, a puzzling middle, and a relatively satisfying end. i was like hey, maybe this animation will turn out alright... and then i realized i had to draw More frames. and i started another and it started just as poorly as the one i had just done. and i realized i would have to go through this whole arc for each frame, and like, i'm no quitter, but that's a bit evil right. that's what i mean when i say animation is tedious for me so far, it's not even necessarily the images being similar for me, it's simply the fact that i have to repeat my growing pains stage like way more times than i would have to if it was just a normal drawing.. this stuff is genuinely more tedious than live2d for me, cause live2d is relaxing and doesnt take brainpower, but this is like, im thinking about ita nd i just have to keep thinking? what? insane, stop that.

im sure if youve looked at live2d and havent done anything in it "relaxing" and "doesnt take brianpower" doesnt compute but ive seriously lost hours to fucking around in live2d, i dont even know why, ill just go in for a few things and not realize ive been there the whole day. just completely and utterly lost int he live2d sauce. all the complicated sliders buttons and meshes just dont even register cause your in such a flow state. with animation however, my 'flow state' will activate.. and then itll DEACTIVATE cause i have to go to another frame, so i guess thats what im really think is tiring about animation. but, once youve got the sketch down, and all thats left is the lines..>? that parts awesome, heh heh heh, and in fact thats my favorite part of drawing in general, cause youre not just like making up shit, you're refining and refining again, that's the sauce.

the more this goes on the more i realize i have such a love hate relationship with learning, as i think maybe anyone does.. it was something i was aware of but never thinking about before, and the fact im making myself Learn Stuff everyday is probably really bringing it into the forefront. i love learning, because i think out of everything in this world, i idolize the people who have awesome skills they have taken years to cultivate, and people who make good things with those skills.. i would do anything to be among those people. ....anything, except for sitting down 30 minutes a day and working on it, apparently?! well, ok, thats unfair, cause ive done that pretty successfully for the past ~2 months, but seriously, my longing for it only barely outweighs the mortifying discomfort of not knowing what the hell you are doing.

this is the strugglei have been given. i think i have a long and difficult road ahead of me. why couldnt the people i idolize most in the world be the people who read fanfiction 8 hours a day.. THAT i am capable of doing!!! ok, obviously i dont actually want that, but to frame it in another way.. i apparently really dislike the stage of being a beginner in something, but i am for some reason one of those freaks who really wants to learn a variety of subjects, which means i will by definition have to be a beginner a great many times.. this is probably an extremely common experience, but yeah, just wondering why my chosen life purpose has to be so extremely uncomfortable ?!?!.. comfort is the enemy of progress or whatver.. actually i dotn know if thats even a sayhing or if i made it up . or like mashed 2 quotws together id do that.

every day i am screaming crying + throwing up about the incredible feats of these people who make and do these amazing things and im like oh my god i want to do that SO bad, and then im like, ok, the only thing i have to do to get that is to dedicate a relatively small amount of my time to it every day... ... ... AND ITS SO HARD ?! Why?! world, youre lucky learning things is such a valuable growth experience, and that discomfort is necessary for my own personal development, otherwise i would not bother with any of this!!!!! you tell someone "want to be a cool artist?" and theyre like oh fuck yeah!!! well try aksing someone if they want to flounder in uncertainty for 30 minutes a day instead i doubt you'll get many bites there!!!!

this is all whining of course. i think i am entiteld to a whine every now and again... entitled to put it on the internet and make my veiwers hear it well thats another question hehehe... but anyway. you grow the most when youre uncomfortalbe, and when youre comfortable thats usually when your art / progress is stagnating etc, if you think your art looks really like shit then thats usually rhe sign youre about to improve big soon, you have to put in the time and the effort to reap the insane rewards of possessing the treasure of Being Good At And Knowing Things, and that all makes perfect sense to me. but also, despite knowing exactly what i signed up for, i cant help but feel like i did not know what i was signing up for when i said i wanted to be agreat animator..!!!! heeeelp!!! GET ME OUTTA HJERE!!!!

in terms of rants i can have, this one is fairly lighthearted, so dont take anything m saying right now too seriusly. but yeah, my love hate relationship with learning... if you think about it, the thing that drives me is the urge to learn, becuase i want to do these incredible things.. honeslty when i think about why im alive my first thought is "i have to stay alive so i can learn to do cool things".. and that pops up before i even think about my friends!!! not cause i hate them or aynthing, i love my friends, but just because learning is such a driving force for me that it really couldnt be anything else... and whats funny to me, is that you would hear that, and think, wow, complicated must really love learning right? and then you find out, umm, NO!!!!! XD

its a funny duality, and probably one inherent to humanity as a wohle, or at least more people than just me. regardless, its one that i dont see pointed out, or at least not pointed out in the same wordsi;m usin, which is why i say it today. i love to say things, thats a thing i liek to do (note it). i have an appintment relatively early int he day tomorrow, and i chose to stay up until 3 am talkinga bout things everyone already knows instead... sigh. i am a silly. anyway, ill keep learning, keep living, keep live laugh loving, and try my very best to hold on long enough to see fruits of my labor. while i've noticed that i think i understand the general structure of a cat a bit better than i did before, and of course i've made progress in the khanacademy math course, i'm not getting the Mega Strides Massive Improvement i somewhat naively predicted... well, Yet. if i keep this up for long enough, maybe in 2 years ill be pro... i can dream right :-)

even if my improvement can sometimes come off as being so slight i doubt it's there at all, i'm beginning to ntocie that i have undoubtedly improved, which shoujld be enough encouragement on it's own really. alright, ireally gotta taper off now, or ill be up till 4 am... oh one more thing,iread the 2001 a space odyssey novel, i know i said i wasn't actually too big on the movie, that's true, but i could not resist the urge to try and see more of that robot.. (likes robot fictional characters). it wasnt anything lifechanging, but i liked it more than the movie, enough to even say that i like it without strings attached, whereas my feeigns towards the movie were mostly bafflemenet and slight disappointment... i hjeard theres more of hal in the sequels, or at least im thinking maybe there wil be, so im gonna start the 2nd one tomorrow...

ANYWAY, thats all to say today i think. i really convinced myself this would be a short one, but i literally typed for an hour.. . im a silly one. thanks all for listening, have a wonderful day, i hope you learn something new or actually learning is quite evil so i hope you nonchalantly and comfortably stumble into some newfound knowledge but its so awesome you dont even feel scared about it, and goodnight!

Entry 67

(10/20/2022 2:46 am) why hello there internet.., i took a shower today. i had to have an Outing with family so i didnt get around to stuff until much later in the day. i did shower though so points there you know? anyway. i did 30 minutes of school studying starting midnight and then my math, then i worked on that animation.. it couldn't hurt to get a bit more specific i guess, i doubt people will know what i'm talking about. so, i'm working on my application for an unofficial project, and to get in you have to draw the character design (there'sa model sheet for it) accurately.. it seems like a fairly lax application process, you dont need to show animation just imgs, but i wanted to go above and beyond to make sure i got in..

the character is a cat, so i thought, ok, i'll animate a cat run cycle, what can go wrong right. it's a rather simple design, maybe deceptively simple. i reference heavily off of a real life cat's run cycle. as i work on the animation, i notice something. this cat design. yeah. it uh. it has a human neck? why does it have a human neck? i mean, on the refs it looks totally normal and good, but when you put it in poses that cats would end up in, it looks uncanny because the neck is human. a cat can lie or sit on the floor and look forward comfortably, which a human cannot do. cats are built to be on all fours and their necks reflect that, and humans... well theyre not. their neck has a dip in the back, unlike a cats.

i'm sure if i were a better artist i probably coulve made it work but i have been redrawing this thing's head and neck over and over for the past like week, or alternatively trying to avoid drawing that bit and just focusing on every other part of the animation. but i can't avoid it any longer. how the hell am i supposed to draw that..... so i cracked and went over to the discord server for the fan project to ask how i ought to draw the neck. just before i sent the message, however... a ping in the announcements channel. the character is getting a revamped design thats "easier to animate"... and its hard to tell from the angle, but it seems to have a cat neck and not a human one. perfect. a blessing from god. i just need to wait for the model sheet so i can draw it accurately and then i will be SMOOTH SAILING.

...well, it is hard to tell from the angle. so that all is assuming that the neck is actually different.. it could still be human and just be shorter, which is possibly even worse? a human neck with cat neck proportions. that sounds even worse for me to draw. crying. please just let me draw a normal cat i will be so normal at drawing a normal cat.

ok, thats about enough. i didnt want to talk for long tonight but i got carried away because this neck is making me feel insane. i do of course have musings about learning productivity etc but see the problem is i can never remember if ive talked about it before and i dont want to endlessly repeat myself + i want to get in bed at a somewhat normal time tonight so you all are spared from my ramblings today. LUCKY YOU! or unlucky you, if you like to read the longer entries.... i do NOT know my audience. anyway, thats all. thanks for reading and have a cool day wherever yuo are. bye!!!

Entry 66

(10/19/2022 1:40 am) oh why hello there... yeah im just chilling. awful early for me right..? flips hair. my little idea seems so far to have worked... it also is reminiscent of clicker training to me, for some reason. complicated is a dog now, and can no longer run this blog for dog-related reasons. anyway, i did schoolwork, worked on my animation, and then did some math...? well, ok. my friends were distracting the hell out of me while i was trying to do it, so if you count the amount of time i was actually focused on math, it was probably more like 10 minutes, i really dont think i learned very much. but, i dont see any reason to punish myself for that, so we ignore. anyway, i got started on tasks today at 2:50 pm, likely because i made it my goal to start doing tasks before 3 pm... i wonder, would i have done it earlier if the goal was to start on things before 2 pm? maybe we test? but quite frankly sense of productivtiy is often fragile.

though i have been successful in maintaining most of my habits for 50 days (we don't talk about my schoolwork, nor the october daily drawing)..., it is still hard to believe i am capable of reigning myself in and living a "disciplined" life. i just have to hold out hope i will be able to make the things i want to make, to make some kind of impact, to become good at the things i love, or even just to experience all of the wonderful art there for me to see in this world, and even have things to say about it... ill let you in on a little secret, i am in deep admiration of people who analyze media, and make fun cool things based on it.. i would love to be one of those people, but sometimes i jsut dont think i get what i am seeing unlike others.. ah, segue! like the movie i watched tonight with my family, perfect blue. i didn't understand the ending until it was explained to me. i don't know how to better understand things.. i really would like to though! i would like to understand and explain what makes wonderful things so wonderful... that perceiving and translating it into your own thoughts and making your own things based on it is truly magical.

im in a whimsical mood tonight or something i think. might be time to head to bed. oh! yesterday i made a small thing, a very silly comic based off a conversation i had with a sibling.. despite appearing low effort, its higher effort than im willing to publicly admit to... but personally, i always really love it when artists and such make small and silly things based off of the things they love, sometimes even more than i love a polished thing.. so to make something like that, even if it was not my best work, that made me happy! well, not at the time, i thikn i was just in a frenzy and the thought wouldn't leave me alone and i just needed to expel the comic out of my body so i could stop thinking about it, but with a day's worth of time away from it, i'm glad that i made it. i have something fun to look back on..

full of love tonight. Whimsical + full of love + ratio. the things people make, its so cool? even when they dont think they are "making" anything, and are just talking about the things they like, or if the things they are making are "low effort"... ahhh!!! its such a joy!!!!!!!! so much cool stuff!!! IM GONNA GO CRAZY!!!! so much cool websites on here and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh poeple making their hearts and soulson here. its amazing. the art people make with web design, it makes me want to scream it excites me so badly. i think if i am more honest with myself, i simply don't have the time or commitment right this moment to try and learn more about web design, hence the ugly website.. but that will not for a single moment stop me from admiring!!!! cause holy hell. so wonderful to see people making things.

i am of course talking about the people who are awesome at web coding and making websites and make cool and technically impressive stuff, but i am also talking about people who are just running their own websites and carving out a little space for themself on the web, it's amazing..... i guess that technically applies to me, even though i don't think of myself that way. agh. Just. Stuff is so cool. Love to see stuff. I Wnat to make stuff do stuff THERES SO MUCH STUFF!!!!!! im chasing my tail right now im so excited. this happens fairly often

where was i going with that or what the hell was i talking about i think i got off track or something... oh yeah, i love stuff so much, i just want to see do and make all of it. right now, i struggle to do that, but im hoping, that the discovery ive jsut made will last... that the method that worked for me today will continue to work, and make it easier for me to do everything i want to doin this world.. thats what productivitys for isnt it? :-)

once again, looping back around to something i said nearer to the beginning of this blog.. i am cautiously optimistic that this could stick. i have been wrong before! but, right now.. ok.. to put it in perspective, im already doing fairly well.. if you think about how i'm making progress in these areas every single day, that was already a far off dream for me around 3 months ago. however, my biggest obstacle right now that makes me unable to feel truly satisfied with how i'm doing is the fact that i put it off until late in the day, even if i make sure that every day it gets done.. SO, assuming motivating myself with button-pressing treats like a dog continus to work for more than one day, we may just have a system that genuinely motivates me to solve the obstacle in my way at the moment! that's something to be happy for, right? and if it doesn't work out, well, i guess i'll keep on trucking, it's not like there's anything else i can do.

i remember when i started to brush my teeth daily... it would take me a long time, i would often stand and look at myself in the mirror, and think for long periods before brushing my teeth, or in between the steps of brushing my teeth. as time has gone on, these waiting periods have shrunk and disappeared.. i still take a fairly long time to brush my teeth, but i think this is more to do with the fact i'm slow about a lot of things (using the bathroom, eating etc), rather than anything related to procrastination. i would put off going to bed, because i'd know that i would just have to go brush my teeth... this too has disappeared. it took a long while, but i became more efficient at a task i was committed to doing.

if i just use my damn brain and dont allow myself to succumb to the despair of lacking object permanence and thinking that because im like this now it means i will be forever, then i can realize that there's no reason this would be any different. the first step is to do it consistently, then over time you upgrade to doing it efficiently. its like my belief for a good way to learn things.. i think you should learn just enough to be able to have fun with it, then do that, and over time you will feel naturally motivated to grow.. thats how i started doing art, granted i was 6, but its worked out hasnt it? thats how im doing things with this here website too, i learned just enough to add a new blog entry every day, and over time im sure i will feel more inclined to upgrade it..

this is the hardest part of learning new things, and trying new things.. is the lack of wanting to trust the process, or whatever. even if youve done it a million times before, its still hard to believe that this isnt somehow the part where i stagnate or lack the capability to grow. i prove myself wrong again and again, but it's like i don't even remember it! there's definitely a large mental obstacle when it comes to learning things, probably harder than it is just to learn the thing itself. but if this is inherent to learning, i guess learning the thing itself comes wrapped in this sort of baggage..? bleh!!!

i always feel just a little clueless, like i am in the dark and feeling around for a wall but i cant find one.. blindly clinging to the hope i will hit one to cling to eventually.. or like, just ont he verge of grasping something, but just a little behind it, and then were moving onto the next thing already.. but, i find things stick better than i expect them to sometimes, so maybe this is just the nature of learning? or even more broadly, the nature of life in general? that would suck if so. i am not a fan of feeling misguided. it feels like everyone is laughing at me for being such an incapable coward and i can't even rebut it because they're not wrong. ewwwww negaitve self talk. whateeeverrrrrr. life sucks so much. its horribl and way too complicated. HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE and i HATE IT. GET ME OUT OF HERE?!?!?!?!

omg mood swing or something look at the contrast. i was such a lover now i am a hater. guys look, dualities exist in all people. and everyone is made up of contradictions.. or sometihng... BLEHHHHHH. life is soooooo suck. its all messy and horribel and you are scared all of the time? like a small animal being hunted by large prey? and everything and everyone is horrible including yourself. horirble world. awful awufl. and everything is so COMPLICATED. and your always doing SOMETHING wrong. not a fan. personally i am not a fan. why cant i go back in the womb. BORN TO SHIT FORCED TO WIPE.



it was funny, now it's marginally less funny, so we're switching gears. it's past 2 am now anyway, i really ought to go to bed.. my whimsical mood. EVAPORATED. not a bad mood right now though i feel rather neutrally. just tip tappying away. alright, recap of the day.. oh my tablet pen replacement came to day, so i didnt have to draw with a mouse. is it weird to say i had gottena little used to it? heh heh.. um, yeah, i think thats all there is to say i havent already said. if select parts of this entry are gone tomorrow, you know what happened! i feel fine about it right now though, i think it's vague enough not to be that weird.. anyway, a genuine thanks for reading, let's hope things are goign better for me, and you know what, going better for you as well!!! have a cool as hell day!!!!!!!! GOOTBYE!!!

Entryt 65

(10/18/2022 3:02 am) oh theres a typo in the header. ok anyway i realized after writing yesterdays entrieds that i dont think i mentinoed that i did my tasks that day but i did! the math the school the animation thewhole shebang. i did school, animation, nd just got done doin math just now. watched a little bit of anime. trying to consume media more, i think thats a valuable way to spend my time. i use habitica to gamify my habits (and also because its the only habit tracker that ive found that actually works and tracks daily habits like i dont know if i just wasnt looking or hwat but all of the other ones were complete garbage so even though i dont use the gameification of habitica that much i just cant use anything else) and something i did was added a thing that i can press if i watched/read/played something in my backlog.. this is neato. i think its making me do it more. my new plan to curb my Procrastination Problem is to add a thing i can press if i start on things before 3 pm and add a BAD thing i can press if i start after midnight (pressed today). hopefully it works. encouragement baby i am like a dog. anyway thats all for tonight thanks for reading and have a nice day

Entry 64

(10/17/2022 2:21 am) going to bed ever so slightly earlier tonight im hoping .. did a lot of social stuff today, a fair bit of reading as well. my friend asked me to play a game with him, and i spent a lot of time with my family upon request. i enjoy these things, but they really stress me out quite badly. not while im doing them, but before and after them i get quite weird. i tihnk i had thought of it as being upset because these things take too much time, but is a bit more complciated than that.. i dont like to disappoint people, so i want to agree to do things with them, but the thought of doing things with other people seems stressful intrusive demanding because i often have unfulfilled obligations myself.. when my time is taken up by other people, i often think of it as other people causing me to do important tasks later in the day.. but, theres really not any correlation. often enough, even when i spend time alone, i end up procrastinating quite heavily.. so this is a false comparison. but, it cant be denied that intrusions upon my physical or mental space, both real and imagined, stress me out very badly. maybe something to do with how when i am alone and procrastinating i feel more in control of myself even when im really not but when with others i am subject to their whims.. like it is pretty easy to pressure me into staying in a sitaution longer than i want to, simply because i dont know how to leave and feel too awkward to say so. thats a situation i hate very much. but anyway, while the goal is to not be procrastinating at all, if the reality of it is that no matter what i do i will end up putting things off, its better to be occupied with things that actually make me happy rather than faffing about. im sweating just thinking about it though. why cant i just be normal and get things out of the way immediately, that seems like a much better arrangement... bleh!!!!! heres hoping i get better at this over time. i just need to try a bit harder, or i dont, but my mind often thinks of it as needing to try harder, because the alternative is quite depressing. its a lot easier to believe that im just not giving it my full efforts than that i am and this is really all i got, honestly.. so for the sake of my own already fragile sense of self. we are going to say that the reason im procrastinating is because im just not really trying right now, heh. anyway its 2:30 now and i wanna get to bed before its too late but i flet like having a ramble so enjoy that. i like tpying out the more thoughtfulr amblier stuff it sjustr that i hate doing it at night. Awful hell world. but anyway, if other people enjoy reading the ramblier stuff as much as i enjoy writing it, then you can consider this a little gift for my 50th day of updating this blog anniversary... YIPEEE!!!!! well, thats all. thanks for reading and potentially sticking with me for 50 days. i dont think anyoene has but its definitley not impossible. have a good day and byeee

Entry 63

(10/16/2022 4:07 am) woke up at 2 pm for reasons i will not elabroate on but were out of my control. subsequently did not start on tasks until around 2 am. why have i done this.. .anyway. 30 minutes of studying done. math done. got some animation done just now. yes i am stil using a mouse. evil evil world. SIGH. i am not getting 8 hours of sleep tonight lol. ok i want to sleep now goodnight. btw tomororw is my 50th day of updating this blog can yuo believe it. feels like only yesterday i started it probably cause 50 days is actually a smallass amount. anyway thanks for reading as alays have a good day and goodnight

Entry 62

(10/15/2022 2:37 am) ill keep it brief as i am massively sleepy.. im going to bed earlier than usual today i think, probably cxause i only spent like 20 minutes on school & maybe art studies lolol. i did my math like normal though. i went to the fair and watched a movie with my family today. recently it has been somehwat hard to motivate myself during the day.. i wil just think, what does it matter if i i get this done later? i know ill eventually get it done regardless, and it doesnt make a difference if i do something else first and tasks later.. and i guess that is on some level true. but doing this stuff while sleepy is seriously lame, and i really freaked myself the hell out earlier because i didnt manage my time well, so i should keep in mind that the reason id like to do things earlier generally is because it allows me access to do fun stuff later, which is something i am technically capable of even if i am inefficient but its really lame adn sucks if i do that.. these revelations are always crystal clear to me in the night but in the day they are dissolved. brain just doesnt even want me to think about it heh. i wonder what itll take for it to truly sink in? holding out hope. anyway, yeah, the things i love the most in this world are levelling up skills and creating things, interacting with my friends and the people i love, and experiencing all the art that is out there.... more and more i am realizing i love all of these things and want to do them everyday. it makes me happy to spend time with the people i love. i love experiencing a good story in whatever form it comes in. and of course, there is no feeling better than improvement in an area.. and no feeling more human than loving that :-). well, maybe there are feelings more human, i jujst made that up cause it sounded poetic. but yeah thats my thoghts. fingers crossed i don't intimidate myself out of getting things done earlier again tomorrow. alright im REALLY sleepy so thanks for reading have a good day and goodnight all

Entry 61

(10/14/2022 3:27 am) ok, so im up earlier than i planned to be.. igot things done though generally pretty early. i did school very early in the day, did math not long after, then watched a movie.. 2001 a space odyssey for the first time.. not gonna lie it disappoiinted me a litle :-( not that it is a bad movie becqause these are just my first impressinos i have not done a ton of thinking about it and im sure there is deeper meanings than i have so far seen. but i will say it bored me a lot and the parts i liked were way too short whereas the parts i found dull were way too long.. thats how i felt watching it anyway. not gonna lie i mostly watched it for the robot but he only has like 5 minutes worth of speaking lines it is tragic. im considering reaeding the novel/s because i hear those might be better? opinions seemed mixed but from what ive heard i think i personally would lik them more which i guess is what matters when deciding whtehrer or not to read something. anyway that got away from me LOL but yeah the movie was fairly long so it occupied me for a while. tittered about for a while until 3 am. was actually plnning to go to bed at like 1 am but failed. 3 am i did my art studies... ah, not as long as normal though, because my tablet pen is broken and i dont like animating with the mouse. i tohught it was fixed today and i didnt need a replacement so i didnt order one but i was wrong so no i have to tomorow. anyway thats about all. im generally proud of and happy with the fact that i got most of these things done pretty early in the day, the latter half needs some work though, but i dont think its anything i cant handle. thanks for reading & have a nice day every1 byebye

Entry 60

(10/13/2022 2:55 am) feeling normal as hell today yall. having a pretty good day evn. i diddnt start doing things until midnight but when i did i started with school as planned and. ok. hold on. let me start over. so the current way i do thing,s or, i guiess how i ahve been doing things, is that i do math first, then art studies, then neocities update, then school.. except i dont/didnt do school like half the time. my teacher emailed me back and it turns out late work is graded exactly like normal but either way i dont want to make a habit out of getting things in late so i decided to make school my beiggest priority cause its the only one that can Majorly Fuck Me Up if i miss it and coincidentally its also the only one ive been consistently missing so. yeah. so i decided to do school first in the day and i put it off at least partially bercause of this because i was intimidated by the thgought of it but it was ok really! i figured out what was wrong and why my rpoject wasnt working after like 2 hours. it was um. it was a syntax error. Cough. ANYWAY. today was a win i guess! going to bed relatively early i guess, got my school done, math done, art studies done, though i did find out my tablet pen is broken and had to animate using a mouse it was hell so ill order a new one tomorrow, im gonna skip my october daily drawing again because. yeah. LOL. ill do it again eventually i swer. anyway gess thats about it. was feeling pretty evil upset earlier cause i had what could be considered a fight with a friend but after a bit i became normal and then after doing things i became happy even. not crying for a third day in a row no siree! that's all everyone. i think i'm finally on the upswing of things going better for me than things just getting worse. hopefully itll stay like this for a while. thanks for reading & have a nice day like the one i am having

Entry 59

(10/12/2022 2:37 am) I fucked up sooooooooooooooooooooooo bad today. Like so bad. completely forgot about my 5 assignments until an hour before they were due. The syllabus doesnt say how late assignments are graded. Im so fucked. ANYWAY. I want to go to bed early so im not going to blabber on TOO long about it but that was pretty extremely awful. Felt physically ill from how stressed i was and was crying after. Submited a project that doesnt work in an attempt to get a non-zero grade because i thought if i got it in before the due date it wouldn't be too bad but fucked it up and got it in a literal minute past the due date. Very funny. anyway that sucsk but nothing i can do abouit it now except announce a major shift which is that im going to be prioritizing my schoolwork over all other things from now on in an attempt to keep this from happening again. Anything else that I miss a day of i can just hop back on it tomorrow but i don't want to play games like that with my own future. anyway. i got my math and art studies done just now, skipping my october drawing again cause i dont want to be up later than i have to be. Horrible situation but nothing i can do about it now except attempt a good nights rest. Ha ha ha. Not a fan of this world rn. Anyway. thanks for reading everyone have a nice day and good night

Entry 58

(10/11/2022 3:15 am) hi all! i am miserable right now. i am on the verge of tears and have a headache from crying. this is probalby becuase i only got 6 hours of sleep last night and im cranky whatever. rough recap of my day: started working on a character design to sell at 3 pm (friend did lines i did colors), got the character itself done at 6:30 pm but was tasked with doing background after, decided to watch a movie with family, movie was ~2 hours, spent ~3 hours afterwards relaxing eg talkign to friends thiniing about the movie etc, got started on the background at midnight, very quickly realized it was going to take me a fuck ton fo time to finish, friend was asleep and id alraedy agreed to do bg tonight so i couldnt just go Umm actually i decided to not do ti today cause reasons cause we wanted it to be up tmrw morning, so i was trying to work on it but i started crying cause i just knew it was going to take fucking forever and i had already worked on it for like 3 hours earlier and i didnt want to stay up until 6 am today but i hadnt gotten anything else done tonight so i knew that i would be going to bed late AGAIN after i thought today would be different becausei started earlier. felt miserable, worked on it until 2:30 am when my friend woke up and said it was fine if i didnt finish it today, so i wasted 2 and a half hours doing it and i didnt even fucking finish it, and i have to skip my october daily drawing today cause its too late and i dont want to go to bed at 6 am again, and i did my art studies but i only did my math for 10 minutes because i didnt want to go to bed after 4 and i want to shower soon because im gross as hell rightnow for reasons i wont disclose but i have 5 assignmnets i havent worked on at ALL due tomorrow and i decided not to do schoolwork today because i dont want to be up until 6 am again and i just feel awful. it isnt even that i didnt try today like i tried i started earlier in the day than usual i treid really hard and i wouldve done it all but i just CANT stay up that late anymore it maks me feel so shit and i UGH. i am so upset. i just hate everything right now. feeling like failure. october drawing streak coming to an end and if i wasnt being so generous you could say my math one is also ending as well beacuse i only did 10 minutes adn not 30 . and i have to do all of it again tomorow and all 5 of my assingments because i put it off until now because i kept stayin gup late. Life is so fun and i love living in it. ANYWAY. maybe good sleep will cure me IDK. sorry for my whining i set out when making this blog to be "candid & authentic" to try and showcase genuinely how hard / easy it was to do these things so people could relate to it nad unfortunately that means you will have to put up with a few tantrums heh heh. every pro has its cons. my life right now is only cons.. (emo) (exaggeraitng). anyway yeah i just want to start a new day i dont wanna be in this one anymore so im going to bed now i guess it is marginally earlier than other days so technically i accomplished my goal of making changes to my schedule still feel mega shit though. thanks for reaidng everyone and have a nicer day than im having right now LOL

Entry 57

(10/10/2022 5:55 am) it's official boys i have hit rock bottom. did not start on my tasks until 2 am and i am going to go to bed at past 6 am. mega fucked up. need to change Something tomorrow. i mean i have to do something tomorrow thats being enforced bby an outside person so i was already hoping thatd be the kick in the ass i need to be normla agian but i really need to not be doing this anymore. on the bright side though i got all my tasks done. math, art studies, ~20 minutes of schoolwork, my october daily drawing, and now my neocities update. well that's about all. now time to sneak into my bed and hope my sibling roommate doesnt notice its 6:30 in the morning. have a good one

Entry 56

(10/9/2022 4:50 am) haiiiiiii my day today. well it was one. procrastinated all day agian we Dont need the details but i disabled the extension lololol. maybe i need to get the idea out of my head that my procrastination is specifically tied to doing a specific task and not caused by the root fo procrastination which is fear. it doesnt matter if im making a list or chatting to a friend if im actively putting off doing hwat i want to do taht is still procastination. though there are some methods of procrastination i think are better than othrs. like for example i spent roughly an hour at 1 am lookng at undertale posts amd fanart and TBH time spent thinking about undertale is never wasted fucking love that game. this is more of a personal identifying detail than i think id usually say on here because my fandom-y interests arnet something i talk about here but i dont think it gives much away to say i love undertale i mean who doenst. everyone loves underttale. if you dont we are fundamnetally very different people. if you have trouble grapsing the corrrct opinion you sohuld be having just shoot me a comment and i will be cvery hapy to explain to you why you shuld love undertale exactly as mch asi do though to be fair i am not sure co,mments section is the best place for that. id make it a page on this here website but ive got this plan in my head where ill have a separate page not linked to this one for my interests like that where i make shriens and shit and i feel like if i do it here im not gonna be able to do it there or itd be lameass or something so know that i wont be putting an undertale shrine or probably any shrines on this here page but that i absolutely would like to.

ANWAY. got math done, got animation done, got daily draiwng done, absolutely did not get schoolwork done. but its 5 am and if you think im going to doschool youre insane. this is the latest ive gone to bed in a while genuinely. i have 5 assigments due in the next what like 2 days but its fiiine its fiiine its fiiine. ANYWAY. got plans for tomorrow. my plans are "pray to god that i stop procrastinating" becuase that is about all i feel in control of at this point even though logically i know very well that if im capable of doing tasks at midnight im more than capable of doing them at any hour of the day i am just silly and my brain is meling. so anyway thats that cause its 5 am now thanks for reading everyonehave a nice day lets hope tomorrow is a ncier day

Entry 55

(10/8/2022 4:10 am) haiiiii its me. i am so nomral. ok well anyeway. i got my math done at like 11:30 am today and literally everything else done after midnight. on some level there i was thinking for a while that getting a good start to the day was the key to productivity but it seems i have proven that untrue. but yerah, got my art studies done, my daily drawing done, studied for 10-20 minujtes which may i remind you is mcuh bettert than no studying though i do have to question how muhc my brain is ACTUALYL retaining at 4 am lololol.. anyway, i think ive come by a possible solution for me.

so my list making thing is like, im endlessly preparing instead of just Doign The Thing... i have a hundreds item long backlog which i have not made a dent in since i started it haha. and these are things i genuinely do want to watch read play whatever, i dont view consumption of art or other media as in any way a waste of time or non-worthwhile task, it's just that when it comes down to it it's just a lot easier to think about watching something than to actally watch it. but anyway, today i was caught up for many hours in an even more pathetic kind of list which i dont feel is necessary to explain mostly because its really sutpid and not something i think would make sense to anyone other than myself and trying would just embarrass me. but anway..

in the past ive tried an extension that puts a time limit on sites you deem as being unproductive. like if i spend more than 5 minutes on twitter it kicks me off or whatever. i think installing this extewnsion was useful to break constant checking and digital pacing around when it comes to social media but ive realized i dont think it even really made me more productive? just changed what iwas procrastinating with. but what i procrastinate with varies a lot, and if i tried to put a limit on Google i think id go mad

but i found a potential solution today, which is an extension that makes you unable to go on websites that you haven't whitelisted, which seems more useful or i guess useful for different things. i dont even have social media blacklisted on there cause now that ive broken the habit of checking it over and over when im bored and following people i hate (LOL) i think im able to appreciate it a lot more and i wouldnt want to keep myself from going on it. i know its common opinon on here that mainstream social media bad and i do agree with that a fair bit but sometimes people overexaggerate just how evil it is i think. i saw someone claim a few days ago that the ABSOLUTE worst thing you can do to yourself is to check your phone right after waking up and use it before going to bed which like, wow. really? the worst thing? the absolute worst thing? i know for a fact i have done worse things to myself in the past month that is NOT the worst thing

"social media is turnng you into a brainless dopamine zombie" blah blah blah like yeah ok corporations are bad and employing predatory practices to keep you on their apps as long as possible thats true but also just because social media made you less happy with your life doesnt mean it cant be used for good things or imporve someones life. it can be used to foster a sense of community provided you curate your following & blocked list enough so you don't get assholes and while too much of it is bad i think that applies to most things. also saw a similar person saying playing video games are like ruining your life or whatever and it made me do such a double take. like.. maybe its ruining YOUR life.. personally i think i am better off having played a few games but we're going for projection today are we...

ANYWY i dont feel sper able to summarize why exactly these sentiments bother me as much as they do. just like generally annoying inaccurate and often playing into stereotypes dunking on stupid short attention span phone-gazing millennials and zoomers cause its always hip to shit on what is new.. andalso its just liek. awlays such a specific type of guy saying this shit. Wake up at 5 am quit all social media video games and other things also exercise eat healthy and read books or whatever. that type of guy always annoy sme. usually al One size fits all adn shit too. unable to fathom that the exact way they live their life is not the way everyone else should also be living theirs. Your advice is shit and does not account for individual personality or interests Now leave me the hell alone. Midle finger.

actually you know what thisis a callout post now (not really). the thing i saw that said the video games thing that made me so mad was like a youtube video that said something along the lines of i made my life a video game and it was so bad it made me angry. positions tv and video games as inherently just a distraction from the harsh realities of life and a way to get cheap enjoyment because life is too hard like man. you do not get it. which, i mean, i think that that description is accurate to a fair bit of people, including the person who made the vdieo, so maybe he does get something im just not getting, but thats such a random stupid thing to assert. video games are as much an art form as any other kind of media jsut a more interactive one, you can have real genuien experiences interacting with them borne both from the game and story itself adn the community htat comes with playign gaems cause yeah tahts a thing too i met like all of my longest lasting friends from playing minecraft and the peroson in the vid is positioning video games as "easy" which like yeah maybe if you compare it to life in its entirety its easy but if you compare it to any other skill its just as hard and worthwhile to learn like for example now that ive gotten a little better at tetris thatsa genuinely satisfying feeling that i got from hard work that is no less and no more worthwhile than any other hobby and skill and to say otherwhise is just stupid. if youre treating video games as "life simulator" or "replacement for just being alive" then yeah obviously you will run into problems but if youre normal about it they can be just as mesmerizing and impactful as a movie or a book they can bring you closer to other people they can change you on a personal level it can be impressive and talented if you're good at them it's just so much more than a vice or the thing that ruins your life or whatever. sorry for the certified Gamer Rant i know it makes me sound like a tool but it upsets me when people throw away all of the genuine value it has just to mindlessly assert their own narrow worldview. though, this guy has clearly played games, so maybe its not that narrow after all...? i dont know, all iknow is that he sounded dumb. LOL

ok man that was a massive tangent sorry everybody. what was i on about. ok so anyway im hoping that installing this extneison will bring about a positive change in my life. i feel excited that i might be getting to the root of the issue and finally stopping whatever the hell was making me act like that but im also nervous because ive always searched for like the One Thing That Will Fix Me and that just doesnt happen. i dont really know how im going to procrastinate with the vast majority of sites blocked but NGL i am worried i will find a way. oh well. cant be much worse than what ive been doing! its nearly 5 am now i gotta go to bed. FWIW today was alright. but yeah i dont wanna keep doing this LOL. the schjedule im on and the procrastinating its just no good. not making me any kind of happy.

wwell thanks for reading everyone sorry agian for gamer rant i know i sound like a huge nerd if it helps i was more angry at the lack of self awareness than the degradation of my sacred video games. have a nice day let's hope tomorrow i will be aweosme and not shit and yep that is about it. goodnight all!

Entry 54

(10/7/2022 4:40 am) so earlier i was feleing evil cause i waited until like 2:30 am to start doing tasks but upon doing tasks i actually feel pretty normal. im skipping schoolwork today though like you cant make me stay up another 30 minutes sorry. oh also i showered which i thnk is why i took even later than usual to start doing things. im always kind of spacy and tired after a shower and just want to relax but im dry now so its wore off. ANYWAY. i gotta get things done early tomorrow cause ill be watching a movie midway through the day. if i get things done pre 5 pm im Golden. so im gonna aim for that..... though what i really ought to be aiming for right now is just that i get in bed at 5 am instead of 6 am!!!! so goodnight all, have a good one & thanks for reading

Entry 53

(10/6/2022 3:13 am) haiii so ive got my stuff done 2day.... math was done early in the day at like 12:30 pm i thinks. then i did a non-task task at 8 until 11, then i did my art studies & my october daily drawing... after that i studied out me textbook for what could charitably be described as technically 20 minutes but was really morelike 5 because i was distracted and not paying attention well. im going to count it though because my brain is melting. ANYWAY. i have lots of thoughts. so many.. its late so illbe forced to summarize them. but boy am i having thoughts.

so over time my procrastination has switched from primarily social media scrolling to something more like researchingand planning. ok lets be real its more like Mkaing Lists. this is likely because i dont trust myself to do things without a plan even though i Literally Do Have A Plan Its Fine Im Trying To Follow It And Planning Further Is Actually Counterproductive To Following Through With It. ANYWAY. another thing i find myself doing a lot is seeking out inspirational or awe inspiring things. i do genuinely believe that this is in part necessary because you should be taking inspiration and ideas from the things around you especially wonderful innovative things your peers are doing but NGL i think i overindulge.

genuinely i make myself have like a cocktail of emotions sometimes. cause like. OK. seeing something cool and inspiring is so exciting forme its like i just want to run yelling and attacking things. like i get so excited its kind of overloading. but excitement and anxiety are close emotions. so ioverwhelm myself with how Cool sometihng is.. and itll flip into being primarily anxiety, for some reason? i'm sure part of this is because i'm usually using it to procrastinate, but also inspiraiton as an emotion is just a bit evil sometimes. i see something SO cool SO awesome i am Fill to bursting with AAAUGJHHHHHH and i want it OUT and it ferels like i have ideas but theyre all completely intangible and slipperyand im trying to like corral my runaway mind into making sense by making like lists of the ideas i have/what is currently inspiring but its just not working because im thinking in Vaguely Entangled Concepts not Actual Words. i mean YES im thinking in words but when those words are put into the real world they are suddenly meaningless mush. flattened by the force it took to enter this dimension i guess IDK.

what the hell was i on about oh riht. yeah i make too many lists. i think sometimes i do it to procrastinate and other times i do it as like a fun leisure activity but honeslty i dont even know why i do that even as a fun leisure activity it sucks balls. i could be using Leisure Time to watch a show or hang with a friend and i am making a list insteaad. Like wat the hell. i think ive made 3 separte lists of every pokemon game in release order + several rom hacks because i wanted to have them all in order becuase i was PLANNING to at some point not even now but in the future like in years at some point play all of them in order. Why

sometimed i have fun making lists though. like i was making a list of my favorite cat breeds (cornish rex is victor over all BTW) andi was like ok sure ill make a favorite dog breed list too. buti really iddnt know that many of them or where to start knowing about them so i just decided to read through every dog breed in order. was like hunched over sweaty and starving frantically adding dog breed names to my .txt file for hours on end i remember it vividly. i dont ven think i was having fun i think i was kind of stressed out because i wanted to eat but i had to add like 1 more dog breed (repeat for like an hour). anyway i researched about dogs for like a month (borzoi is victor over all BTW) but usally in a more normal and less evil wy than that first day i think i was just having a moment.

ANYWAY. i remake lists a lot. i really think i have better things to do than make and remake lists. but somehow. The sirens call. IS too hard to resist. uh anyway. i think this is partially driven again by my worry about being overwhelmed & overinvolved & need to withdraw because i don't trust myself to be able to handle it when im In It. when im actively doing a task im like the most normal man alive im so relaxed its like im not there but Thinking About Having To Do A Task? OH my god i will DIE!!! (Exageration Duh!). but yeah anyway, you learn via experiences and involvement, it's better to learn via active methods than passive ones who would've thought, my impulse of avoidance and withdrawal becomes more apparently destructive the longer i introspect..

something magical happening though. i mean, obviously im still staying up too late, an dim still unshowered, and stuff, but im Involved. i dont know. its hard to articulate. when im searching for inspiration, its always daydreaming and One Days. and Oh itd be so cool to make something like that but not right now though. you know? i guess its procrastination, but i dont process it as that.. but anyway, by forcing myself to make this art everyday, its actually genuinely so fulfilling. im making the type of things ive wanted to be making for years. i've always really wanted to be an animator, i already touched on that, and even if it's coming out kind of scuffed, to be able to solidly know that this is something available to me, something i am capable of doing if only i make myself try, thats pretty awesome!!

BTW i have to clean that fountain again. fucker never stays cleaned long. but anyway. obviously it isnt perfect cause of afformentioned things (shower, sleep schedule, fountain) but also, i thihnk im learning a lot, and understanding it better too. when you just hear or read something, sometimes it really does stick with you, but sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other.. but the more you apply this advice, the more you realize why youre applying it... I think anyway. well thats all. have a good one everybody. goodnight!!

Entry 52

(10/5/2022 4:40 am) hellooo i am up wayyy too late due to only starting Tasks at 11. i procrastinated too hard and did not get done a thing i promised someone i would so tomorrow i will have to be extra good to make up for it. Blehhhh. up late. It is what it is... did my math ,art studies, schoolwork, and my october art thing today.... the art i did today is worse than the ones from the other days. But it is what it is.. Making stuff will always triumph not making stuff. So im going to try my hardest not to sweat it, probably easier siad than done. Im sure not starting the drawing at 2 am wouldve helped but It is what it is. hopefully tomorrow it will not be what it is though :P that's all for today feeling pretty nuetral. i felt pretty garbage at 11 but im like fine now. im not too proud but im not like Mega Depressed either so i will take wat i can get. thanks for reading sorry 4 da short update and have a nice day/night :P

Entry 51

(10/4/2022 2:40 am) haiii i did stuff. gonna slepe soon. did math, art studies, my drawing for today, adn a school asignment.. i only started at 8pm though. wichis not good. and ive got an asignment due tomorrow. but proud of what i did get done... so far. this month is shaping up to be awesome. please don't let me jinx myself :D

oh yeah, i got done with the sketch for an animation! that's what i've been studying inmy Art Studies recently if i forgot to mention. it's a cat run cycle. i referenced pretty heavily to make it but i'm still strangely pretty proud of it. ive wanted to do animation stuff for a very long time, but it just felt like itd be too time consuming.. but just around an hour each day for a few days and ive got a passable kitty run! being an animator is one of my biggest and oldest dreams so i think thats why im so happy with it, it feels like im finally making progress on something ive wanted for a long time.

more awesome stuff also.. im getting close to completing algebra on khanacademy which isneat! realized i didnt compelte eighth grade though? what? why? i dont remebmer skiping that? well. ill go back and do it i guess!. oh also. im been proud of the art im makign for the october art thging. its what ive wanted to make for a while, but i ijust dont draw often enough to do it usually.. but now, ihave all of thiscool& stylish art i made to look through!!! and its only even 3 drawings so far but that is 3 art i did not have made a month ago.. so YIPEE!!!. i started late today and i havent showered in a long time so im stinky and i stayed up late again but im definitely on the upswing. who knew this would be what i needed to feel happy again XD (first XD in 7 years nature is healing)

well that's all cause i really do need to go to bed but yeah i have been having a good month (literally 3 days into it lololol). thanks for reading and have a good day/night whatever!!!! i am rooting for you!! ;3

Entry 50

(10/3/2022 2:50 am) haiiii i had an awsome day today. woke up at 10:50 am instead of noon which is concerning with how late i stayed up but hey i am not complaining.. it enabled me to get a head start on math which really got the ball rolling. i did something productive that was non-task, had a meal with my family (social time moment), did art studies, did my october daily drawing, did my schoolwork(!!!) and now i am updating this silly ol blog o mine. i have no idea if tomorrow i will wake up feeling the most burnt out i have ever felt after completely exhausting my energy reserves or if i will wake up feeling fresher than ever because now i've gotten the ball rolling and there's like momentum and i'm on a good streak or whtever but whatever will happen i am thrilled + excited + ratio. just a lovely day. i did feel bad for some pockets of it but my overall feeling towards it is so positive i do not care. contrast this to my Depressed Spiel from like 2 days ago and it is funny to see how pessimistic i was. its Fiiine(genuine this time). anyway thats all for tonight cause i alraedy stayed upt oo late but thank you for rading and have a nice day goodnight :3

Entry 49

(10/1/2022 11:30 pm) HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL? a complicated blog entry before midnight? yes well its surprising to me too.. to be fair. i think the fact i spent only 30 minutes on my art studies this time in an attempt to not be up at 4 am today isntead of spending my usual hour and a half probably helped. but also i did start a wee bit earlier than i have started so you know. thats awesome isnt it! ive got my math done (it was rough. i was dying. the math itself was not hard but the world was being very distracting. was making me want to sceam and bite things). and also art studies like i just said. i think art studies is a lame name btw nad i feel like a nerd to say it. maybe ill just call it art practice or something. i mean its a new month new month new me baby.....

i thought i would listen to halloween music today. so far i havent. mother mother's eureka album is too enticing for me to part with. but i really do want to get into the halloween spirit, because i feel like i miss out on feeling halloweeny every year... ugh, you have convinced me. i will go switch to spooky scary skeletons. wait shit baby dont dance just acme on NVM ill wait 3 minutes and 30 seconds to do that. in the mean time, what progress have i made on my october art chalenge? um... none.YET. but im still gonna do it. i will do it so hard you will be screaming and throwing up from the force at which i am doing it what. ok anyway.

yesterday and by yesterday i mean last night and by last night i mean this morning (ha, ha) i decided i would do a bit of reflecting on how far ive come. this seems like itll take a bunch of time which is not motivating at 11:30 pm but this is sometihng ill regret if i dont do it so here goes!

wow my website is fucking loooooooooooong. i really really need to update the like code aspect of it. i have it planned in my head you know. i think there should be an about page and blog entries as individual pages organized by month, or something along those lines. i just uh.... havent made it real. i think itd be neat to make this change at the start of the month but well you know so anyway ill do it eventually.

reading my first blog entry.. god i sound annoying. i dont even know what speicifcally is annoying its just like vaguely irritiating in a way i cant put my finger on. this may be a self esteem issue. ANYWAY. looking back at things i left out, when i was starting this blog i was actually very anxious around uploading. i kept thinking of deleting the blog and just pretending it never happened, and i dont even quite know why. constantly flip flopping between feeling like this was a cool thing and a good thing and also like this was an extremely big mistake for reasons entirely unknown. now i am pretty chill about it though..? i only get all antsy and anxious and embarrassed about the blog when i ramble for too long, but also thats some of the most enjoyable stuff, to write and im assuming to read... so whatevr, we move forward.

you know what i kind of forgot why i started this blog. i think i had like a good week of productivity and then after i spent like half a month depressed doing almost nothing and felt Hooorrriiblle... so obviously i wanted to do stuff so iw ouldnt feel awful anymore but because it was pretty immediately after a pretty pathetic fail i was like is it even reasonable to hope that i could do this. anyway reading these blog entries is actually boring as all hell. well it is to me at least, i guess its entertaining enough to my ~541~ viewers ;3c but yeah its kind of hard to read this i cant tell if its the formatting or just cause i know everything i wrote already so theres no surprise.

ohhhh my gawdf i do NOTTT want to keep reading this. ok.so ill just go off memroy then. i guess instad of this being a reflection on what ive already donme ill treat it as sort of a progress report for my blog. SO.

You know, when im just looking at the numbers and not the Sturggle that got me to them, i feel pretty impressed by myself.. i did do most of this like hanging on by a thread though im pretty sure. But hey. Building willpower or.. Something. Hopefully this art challgne will make me become normal. If not? Um...... Misery forever i guess. Whats that meme that goes like fully develop brain if i become normal start podcast if still insane kill self. Thats what im thinking right now. Its a funy meme i promise look it up.

Hmmm i feel kindof weird right now. (3 HOUR BREAK BETWEEN THIS AND NOW :P i got distracted and just started working on my october drawing. so 1/31 in that category i guess.).

waht have i done now.. ok so ive done math, art studies, october art prompt list challenge thing, and ive updated this blog (in asecond i will have)... i still wanna do school but also it is 3 am. so. well. we'll see. i mean i'm already not goin to get to bed at a reasonable time so does it really matter if its 4 am instead of 3:30? food for thought..... ok well anyway. im a bit sleepy. i probably did enough relfecting idk i wanted to do more but distraction made me lose steam. thanks for reading and stuicking with me all last month everybody! :3 have a good day. i think i have had one thus far..

Entry 48

(10/1/2022 2:30 am) why hello there creaturess i am doing better today thani was yesterday. i mean still could be better but im not on evil mode anymore so. Yay! anyyway. i got my math and art studies done just now. i put off doing it until midnight which is still better than yesterday so Well gess thats alright. i was planninng on doing schoolwork tonight and in fact actually was convinced i would do it until i started typing out this neocities blog entry but the appeal of going to bed at 3 am instead of 4 am is simply too alluring to ignore. there's always tomorrow, and other things i say to myself every day. ahhhh i really feel alright tongiht honeslty i know im being snarky about it but im liek nroaml. in fact i feel enthusiastically about tomorrow!

tomorrow ill make sure to do things early in the day. i dont really have a way of enforcing it i just have to cling onto the hope that tomorrow iwill suddenly decide i want to be a normal and functional person and do things before its a whole new day. which sounds unreasonable but honestly that happens sometimes. and hey, right now my baseline is getting things done after midnight, but a month ago my baseline wouldve been getting nothing done at all. so long as i improve my baseline, it doesnt matter how small the increments i do it in are. maybe in a month from now i can sit here on this blog and bemoan the fact that my baseline is getting things done by 6 pm instead of noon, or some kind of reasonable normal struggle like that.

i thought itd be fun to do a thing where i like reflect on the state of my life and this blog at the end or beginning of every month. i still wanna do that but also i skipped schoolwork so i wouldnt have to stay up another hour if i go on rambling for however long im gonna be a mega fool. so, id like to do that tomorrow... ill make myself do that tomorrow, if i can. hopefully ill be turning over a new leaf. you know, like the thing i have been doing, but itll be different this time cause the leaf is newer or something.

side note i do have a theory that the reason things are so hard for me right now is beacuse after the Honeymoon Stage of starting a new habit where youre like thinking about it a lot and trying really hard to stay on top of it and before it becomes a Habit Habit that you dont have to struggle to do theres a shit place in the middle and i think thats where i am... but this is kind of unfounded for one, for two i think the major contributing factor right now is actually my sleep schedule, and for three i am 90% certain that i go through rough patches far more often than i think i do and in fact im pretty sure if i looked back i think i would be struggling like most days. maybe this isnt a rough patch maybe the other stuff was just an abnormally smooth patch type thing.. i dunno. i think ill read back some old blog entries tomorrow, and maybe revamp the format of the websxite, but im gertng way ahead of myself here.

(paused for like an hour to go do something else) ok so im about to go to bed but before i do that. just. recap. tomorrow: reflection blog entry, start october art challenge, be fucking normal.... oh yeah, and do my schoolwork. and ill have to try and start on things early. that all makes sense. hopefully i will do it. goodnight everybody, thanks for reading and sticking with me for a month, i know i been a bit of a pathetic worm recently but i think things will look up for me(loo ki am so optimistic.!). have a good day night what ever ti is where you are. and night night

Entry 47

(9/30/2022 4:30 am) sup everybody didnt start doing tasks until 3 am this may in fact go in complicated's top 10 most pathetic moments. did my math at 3 am in a sleepy somewhat foggy state and then shat out some unbelievably low quality art studies for exactly 30 minutes and no longer before heading here. look at my optimism yesterday i tohught i was aobut to fix my sleep schedule and NOT end up in bed at 5 am tonight lol lol lol lmao lol.. guys i am tired and i am sliping. i hate staying up this late but i still waste my whole day and end up doing this. why do i do this to myself. i actually considered not doing tasks at all today but i decided it was probably more important to cling onto my streak than to go to bed at a normal time. ideally i wouldve done both but i am a foul creature. blehhhhh

i would like tomorrow to be different but that feels so unrealistic to hope for. i dont even know entirely why i do this. i have theorieis i guess. the longer i put it off the more i dread doing it. i hoped id get it done early in the day but didnt feel like it, put it off, and then by the time it was say 9 pm iwas thinking "well this is later than id hoped to be doing this, but its sooner than yesterday, so i should be alright." then i put it off until much later than yesterday and knew i would inevitably be going to bed later which i guess is about the point i shouldve just gone and done it but. Well. Yeah. anyway.

very disappointed. i am starting to become Unshowered again. guys who the hells idea was it that you have to do this shower shit so often or you get stinky. this is gods hell trap designed to torture me. climbing out of this hole feels Mildly Insurmountable. and historically every time ive had a good scheudle ive just messed it up again.. but tobefair. thats how ive felt about doing math and other such things. and im 32 days into doing math every day. i may not be able to maintain a good sleep schedule indefinitely but if i thought i wouldnt be capable of a month of consistent math and i did that then whos to say i couldnt have a consistent sleep schedule for a month even though that also seems like ill inevitably let myself down? ahhhhhh its not as simplethough it really isnt. tasks take priority over sleep so ifi havent done them then i have to rush to do them before i can sleep (whjjichis why im dead tired in alls ense of the word right now and still not sleeping). you might say Just do the tasks early then.. .yeha that makes so much more sense than anything ive been doing. And yet. its hard :( im struggling

blehhhh... maybe ishould just bite the bullet and wake up early without regard for how long ill sleep. being sleepy cause you didnt get enough sleep sucks but 4am forver sucks HARDER. but then again ,theres nothing to say necessarily that i wouldnt just stay up agian, even if i had woken up at 8 am or whatever.. frowns bigly. ok....... ah.h...........gagh.... i feel like pure shit. #DEPRESSED. But im going to . Scrape togehter my remains. And formulate a plan for tomorrow. That i had better fucking folow. OR else i am oging to be so sad with myself.

uhhh.... . wake up at noon. Eat your. Breakfst. And then um... At 2 pm. Start doing math. Well is 2pm too late. Agh i dont fuckeng know. Yeah sure. 2pm Start doing shit. And then..... Aim to be done with Things by 5pm. That way i can dick around until bedtime and be fine. Well actually it might take loner than that. Imporatnt thing is to get it done... But i dont know if ill do this. Blehh.. Im alwys making plans and not following them. Whats up witht aht huh. AUGUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok... at the ripe 4:47 am it is time for your ol pal complicated to sleep............ having a bit of a rough time right now. But historically there has been rougher..... which means there will also be less rougher.... which. COUGH COUGH. CANT COME SOONE NOUGH!!!! I FEEL MISERBLE RIGHT NOW!!! but you know imagine how miserabl i could be feeling right now if i didnt do tasks at all and STILL went to bed at 5 am like ponder that. it could always be worse. Or .. Soemthing. Anyway. goodnight everybody i will be fine probably i just like having a website to whine on heh heh. thanks for reading and have a good night

oh by the way i keep forgetting to replace my toothpaste. reminder for me to replace my fucking toothpaste

Entry 46

(9/29/2022 2 am) hello everone! i did my math earlier in the day today (i think around like 5pm actually which. isnt really too early but WHATEVER!). then i stared doing art pretty late (went from 11:30 pm to 1 am). decided to do schoolwork, didn't end up doing it (i did read a fair bit of my textbook though but yeah i'm gonna have to do assignments tomorrow instead of today if i want to get to bed before 3 am haha). i had like things i wanted to say but right now i am feeling tired and maybe a little bummed that i did not get it all done even thoug hi wanted to. i mean i COULD stay up longer but that is just a bad decision i think?

well, i do have a bit more to say. namely, some planning. YIPEE!! so today i started trying to learn a bit of animation, was trying out studying a cat run cycle. i'd like to continue doing this sort of thing everyday because i need to leanr it. i also want to learn other thigns right now, but im not sure where to start... oh BTW, i figured out deliberate practice means specifically practicing areas you don't know or struggle with, and in hindsight it's kind of obvious. i think that's advice im afriad of applying but fear is the enemy of progress YOLO (i say, putting off practicing until near midnight.. the irony. IS NOT LOST ON ME.)

basically all i can ask of myself right now is to just try and get things done earlier tomorrow. it honestly really really sucks that im on this awful schedule where i wake up at noon everyday. it's a hole that's hard to climb out of because if i wake up later i stay up later and if i stay up later i wake up later. i'm making a bit of progress on it though. well that's all for tonight i'll say more tomorrow (a possibly not empty promise)! have a good one everybody. goodnight

Entry 45

(9/28/2022 2 am) hi all! im gonan go to bed straight after writing this and i want to hit the hay early so ill keep it brief and elaborate tomorrow but i got everytihng done today and im feeling motivated to in the near future increase my level of work & my efficiency doing it. basically theres this cool animation project i want to join but i havent done much animation so i want to make strides in developing those skills soon both so that i get in (i'm semi-confident i can do it, cause they said they'd be accepting a lot of people) and also so that when i do get in i'm able to deliver the best quality of work possibel, cause it'd really suck if every other part of the project was awsome and my bit was shit. im just so so so excited. i really really really hope i am able to contribute im so excited about it. also, i may be participating in an october art challenge..? we'll see how i feel then, but i'd like to do it, and i think now i can keep up that sort of thing for a month. actually, this is my 31st day updating this neocities blog, so i've officially proven that!

i got pretty much everything except for this update done by midnight today, and honestly i am super proud of my progress.. i've mentioned it before, but in the past, i've tried a few times to develop good habits, but i don't think it's stuck. honestly, i think blogging like this is helping me a lot. it causes me to explain myself when something goes wrong and in the process of that explaining i'll often realize fully a barrier in my own development i haven't seen before. like, i had known before that fear drove some of my actions, but realizing the extent of it is honestly crazy. i've realized i even have a ton of it towards art that i hadn't processed. i think knowing the real reasons i do these things that i do and trying to do the best for myself because im rooting for myself to succeed and not hating myself about it will probably hopefully take me further than i've been before. maybe. no prommies heh

i only did 1 school assignment today but there were external circumstances (friend wanted to watch anime with me) and i got the one that was due today in like 3 hours before it was due so i think as long as i hop on it tomorrow i should be good. and i do indeed have reason to believ ill be hopping on it tomorrow (see motivation spike above) (how fucking funny will it be when i wake up tomorrow and feel like doing none of this shit) (im. so silly). anyway this went on longer than intended (literally 3 paragraphs) cause it was just meant to bea really tiny thing but i like to talk and the internet seems to like to listen (thanks for 500 views guys :D) so i'll tlak LOTS more tomorrow about my thoughts (probably) so ican cut this short now. thanks for reading and sticking with me everyone hope you have a good day and goodnight :D

Entry 44

(9/27/2022 3 am) helloo again. i did my math + art studies not my schoolwork though and im not going to do it today even though it's due tomorrow or technically today since it's 3 am! i make. good choices. yes. OK so anyway.. a few things i'm gonna say.... first one is that i think im gonan do one of those art prompt lsits in october. i think theyre neat. oh NVM i was gonna add more stuff but now i cant (external circumstances) ill just go to bed probably for the best. goodnight all have a good day

Entry 43

(9/26/2022 3 am) hiii i just got done doing art study i did my math way earlier in the day i am not going to do my schoolwork and i will be in bed... soon. id like to say before i do that though that i was being stupid + cray cray last night and contradicting myself. i havent showered in a week so i wamted to shower today i did NOt though. Lol. sorry thats unrelated it just came to mind. anyway while i was researching the best amount of time to allocate to learning something i came across a few conflicting viewpoints. i take the viewpoints of others and incorporate them into my own worldview of What I Should Be Doing which is difficult when two sources i trust have conflicting views on a given topic

i dont claim to be an expert but basically from skimming it kind of seems like there's no definitive Right way to learn and nobody really has that much of an idea what theyre doing? or like. not NOBODY knows what theyre doing. but ok. like, just because i describe to you how to draw something doesnt mean you know how to draw.. you have to draw to learn that right. so just because its been described to me how to learn something, that doesnt necessarily make me better at learning something... to learn something i still have to commit to learning something. i might slip on the way of learning a specific skill but thats fine so long as i continue because it all contributes to the Real skill of learning to acquire skills. or.. that's what i THINK anyway. i don't actually know. but based on the other things i know to be true about this world, it seems reasonable enough? but anyway, what i meant is that, even though people Know how to learn things, that knowledge could be one of those things thats not super well transferable via spoken written tpyed language... maybe. IMJUST SPITBALLING HERE.

but anyway.. ive seen two contrasting schools of thought, that might not actually necessarily be contrasting, i still need to think it over some more. its something along the lines of quantity vs quality. quantity is to say that you should just make a bunch of things without that much regard for quality... an antidote to perfectionism which is to say that even if what you are making isnt necessarily good youre still learning something and moving forward with it.. that by acting & making without restraint you are preparing yourself later on to make better things.. that by making & doing you are improving more than you would be otherwise.. this is sort of something along the lines of what i ahve been believing in.

the other is more that your practice needs to be done WELL so that you dont bake mistakes into your thinking and repeat them.. perfect practice makes perfect ETC ETC.. theres also a lot of work smarter not harder sort of ideas surrounding this one. initially this seemed fundamentally incompatible with the other view to me but if you think about it they arent so much at odds. perfect practice doesnt mean not making a bad drawing it means studying the right things and doing it deliberately so you dont waste your own time by going on autopilot...... uh, i think. listen, its kind of hard to comprehend. or i am stupid.

so basically, the happy marriage of these two ideas that i thought were at odds but arent that much at least if you dont take them to extremes is that i should be focusing on studying things weak areas and things i know i need to... doing it deliberately(????) and stuff also... but also keeping moving forward even if i feel i am not necessarily doing it right and trying to learn things from what im doing wrong while trusting that ill be able to come to the Right Conclusion at.. Some point. why is so much of life just blindly feeling things out. why did nobody tell mea bout this. Did you know about this?

blehghh. its. Big picturer its like. When your making a drawing and it looks like dogshit and then you keep going and finish it and it looks good. like THAT but with drawing as a skill as a whole. just have to trust itll be fine. ok yeah nayway back to the point. also probably analyzing the mistakes ive made and trying to correct them and maybe getting critique from others is a good way to marry the two ideas? the first idea makes more intuitive sense to me but ithink im just afriad of going nowhere is the thing. im worried ill just be drawing the same things over and over and not improving. but well slow progress is better than no progress at all which is what i would probably get if i didnt practice at all, right?

the funny thing is i think i actually improved a bit today. like i think something clicked during my practice and i realized something about the subject i was drawing. but despite this small eureka moment where i tangibly felt my understanding of the art i was making increase, im still scared i'll stagnate. why? bleh. irrational. not even irrational... STUPED is what it is!!!!

anyway, something cool happened today. for context, like around a month ago or something i was playing tetris a fair bit cause i saw a vid of someone who was really good at it at youtube and i wanted to try. i went from like 2000 points to (as of today) 200000 points on tetris.com score. anyway.. i was in a call with my friends and shared my screen where i was playing tetris. the people in the call were genuinely shocked and awed at my tetris skills. i am not anywhere near the level of someone who actually plays tetris but even though i've only practiced probably like a day cumulatively my improvement at it was still noticeable to people who did not play tetris which was cool. it ah. it also made me realize how much of a showoff i am. i think this realization was creeping up on me but it only really hit me just now and in hindsight it makes a lot of my behavior quite frankly pretty obvious.

like half of the reason i want to learn certain things is just because its impressive or would impress people. and lets be real... you cannot want to be a youtuber without being AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT of an attention whore. like im not saying ima huge one but it was kind of ridiculous of me to think that didnt factor into the equation. i dont think its obvious to other people because i am, ha, way too self conscious for anyone to think im trying to show off. but i want peple to lok at me and go WOW so cool! so i guess thats actually the meta-goal uniting all of my goals together is just that i want to look cool. specifically inspire shock & awe but lets be real it is looking cool.

i dont think theres anytihng necessarily wrong with wanting to show off. it does embarrasss the hell out of me to realize that this is a part of me though. but anyway, outside of the mortification of realizing i want external validation, i think its more funny than anything that im like this. actually, the longer i think about it, the more issues i have with the fact im like this, so im going to sotp thinking about it now. we will switch topics.

anyway thats about it. to summarize im still gona do research about how best to learn art but im going to like chill the fuck out aobut it because its fine and im making progress even if i dont realize it immediately. im not doing schoolwrok because i waited like wayyyyyy too long to do it and i hate that i did that and i hate that im gonna be getting to bed at fucking like 5 am again but its. ITS FINE. Its fine. Can someone help me out of this pit please. Tch... no takers? Fine. Ill do it myself. (didnt actually ask anyone for help)

thanks for reading im beginning to increasingly think that my late night rambles are somewhat ill advised and possibly over personal who knows! well i sure dont and thats why im going to keep doing them for as long as i feel like it no matter how bad of an idea it is! please get to bed earlier than 4 am to rub it in my face that ive been failing so hard at the whole sleep thing recently and have a nice day buh bye.

Entry 42

(9/25/2022 1 am) hi so its the same day i still havent done my schoolwrok but i dont care that doesnt matter i wanna talk about the same stuff i was talking about earlier but got interrupted aobut. i want to be good at art so badly you have no idea. i mean i wouldnt characterize myself as BAD at art ive been doing digital art for ~10 years which sounds impressive until you realized i started as an elementary schooler BUT what i mean to say is just that its kind of impossible to do it that long and have no amount of growth in the area. like i wouldnt say im excellent but i havent shared any of my art here so just so you know where to place me in your mind i guess id say i am kind of mid.. to someone of a higher level of art than me i probably come across horribly unskilled and to somebody on a lower level its probably downright insulting to them that i just called myself mid and also i hate the word mid but anyway its hard to quantify where im at for that reason. but anyway when i say i want to be good at art just know i mean i want to be excellent or as good as my art idolsand thats what i mean when i say that.

but anyway i think i will have to up the ante on my art practice. or do it more deliberately or something. you know what they say 'perfect practice makes perfect'. see i do think that any amount of practice is better than none at all which is why in the meantime of figuring out how ill level up my practice im going to keep doing it as i have been and not withdraw however i dont want to be content with this if i could be getting better faster or more effectively. im so allergic to the idea of wasting my time (despite the fact i do it constnatly which is maybe WHY im allergic to it) i just need to figure out how to do it and ill be fine. if this seems completely contradictory to what i was saying earlier well maybe it is in some respects but in others its not!

in the respect i was saying i needed to trust myself and now im going back on that well sure i was indeed being a mega liar whats your point. haha just joshing. i think i am doing better than i was before in this respect because fighting to make what you are currently doing more effective is not the same as protecting your own ego from the pain of improvement by keeping yourself from making potentially bad things but hey what do i know. anyway in the respect that im triyng to be objective about what im doing and deferring to advice and wisdom from others this is perfectly in line with what i was doing earlier because i got here by googling how much to practice each day and got a bunch of advice about how you need to practice deliberately rather than aimlessly to learn something so well. i'll be tihkning about that!

hmm this was kind of aimless come to think of it. i just needed to get thoughts out. the idea of stagnating in my progress maks me want to rip my own skin off. i am talking about planning for the future again while putting off doing something unpleasant and preaching about my hatred for inaction. this irony is not lost on me NOT fore a second. now ill surely get to doing schoolwrok but first i just need to read all 20 of the articles i opened and retread ground over and over again because this will obviously help me more than getting my urgently due assignments done ahahahaaaahahhahaahahahaah. Anyway. Ill get it done dont worry. Do worry abou me staying up late tohugh i can feel it becoming 4am already. have a good one and ill see you tomorrow or later

Entry 41

(9/24/2022 wrote at 8 pm posted at ~12 am) bet you are DOWNRIGHT SHOCKED right now to see an update before midnight. Yeah. me too. So today i guess i finally became normal because i got my math and art studies done relatively early in the day. Of course in the future i'd like it to be earlier but at the moment this is a MUCH DESIRED upgrade opposed to what i was doing bbefore..... :( . id like to get in bed somehwat early tonight but i truly cannot promise that. i am so full of wants and hopes and dreams and i am clinging onto the idea that i will be able ot fulfill them so hard. Holding on by the skin of my teeth or whatever. hopefully this is the sign of a new pattern for me.. i am gettign tired of4 am. evidenty not tired enough not to do that thoughg. SO. Yeah.

im thinking about skill building and practice and fear. Thats what IM been thinking about. Because im afraid. i think doing these things every day is revealing a fear i didn't even know i had. because when im not doing things i can say "i could be so good at this if i applied myself".. i thought that very confidently. to the point i was very sad that i was not applying myself. now im applying myself and it's like shining a flashlight on something that was there but you didnty know what i was there cause the room was dark. because even though i have undeniably made progress, i feel no great transformation.. im scared at the thought that even thoguh im applying myslef i could maybe still not be great. the thought that that isnt achievable for me by any stretch. its depressing. its scary. it makes me want to withdraw but its precisely the reason i need to not withdraw

im doing a great thing for myself in moving away from inaction and towards action.. you dont learn how to draw from watching videos. from watching. from reading. from thinking. you learn it from drawing. currently the fruits of my labor are not visible to me and thats scaring me. if you dont make something it cant be bad and the idea can be good in your head. and i want to clarify.. nothing ive made recently is bad i dont think. i even like it. im just worried its not an improvement on what i was already making, or that im not improving fast enough.. but the steps i think i need to take to make that fast improvement are intimidating and confusing to me. i want to keep doing what im already doing even if its not the fastest because thats whats comfortable, but im scared its ineffective. i dont think this is that bad though. i think any amount of drawing is better than not drawing even if you're not doing it the best. non-perfect practice is still pratcice.

even though i know these things so well (you learn from action, you can do anything someone else can do, hard work triumphs talent, blah blah blah..) even though i can repeat it until im blue in the face, i still cant believe it. it feels like im lying to myself somehow even though its what makes the most sense. no matter how much i try to ground myself in reality and remind myself of what i know to be true i still feel desperately afraid. i just can't trust it. i can't trust myself. i feel like i need to draw back and assess what im doing instead of continuing, but this is the exact impulse i need to move away from (enneagram 5 moments). how does anyone live like this? how does anyone live at all? no matter what i do i feel so permanently uncomfortable. bleh.

everything is scary and bad and humiliating. bleh.. but even though that's true that's also not true. i have a lot of love for many things in this world. i want to see the cool things this world has to offer. i want to make do and BE cool things this world has to offer. maybe if i did withdraw again id be less uncomfortable but i wouldn't want to experience the good things in this world any less, i'd just be that much farther away from getting them. anyway, whether i like it or not, when i get like this i want to 'maintain' my comfort level, and nearly a month into this schedule my comfort level is Doing Things instead of Not Doing Things, so even if i want to withdraw, the path of least resistance is now Doing rather than Not Doing, so i kind of pranked myself there hahah. Future proofed by accident i guess.Or not really by accdient, this si just waht a habit is. but maybe i will fail eventaully.. i think this blog has helped keep me on the ol Straight and Narrow.

blog entries like this are interesting i think cause im pretty sure you can feel me trying to convince myself not to be stupid. im about to do some more of that. just trying to use my brain and calm the Freaked Out Beast within. i think this fear could be a good sign. you need to be afraid or uncomfortable which is fear btw its all fear btw. to grow. and you know i think if im able to push past this fear resistance then i will probably be better about it in the future. and like i didnt even realize iwas afraid of this until i started this stuff...but now that i KNOW. i can PUSH PAST IT. RIGHT? IM GOING TO PUSH PAST IT RIGHT? Guys. Im struggling. ANYWAY. even though im afriad. i just need to trust. that this is ALL GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN. im WORKING ON MYSELF. im GROWING EMOTIONALLY. im GROWING IN SKILL ELVEL. its FINE its FINE its FINE!!! "trust the process" OR whjatever.

not to bring up enneagram AGAIN but it is a primarily a tool for self-developemnt so its a good thing it goes on my self improvement website. guys iwant to be anicer person i dont think i am nice enough. thats not rleated to anything i am just brain to keybaord right now so when i thought it i was like well in it goes. ANYWAY. theres a big thing in there about not withdraiwng about trusting that life will not drain you trusting yourself and in your decisions becoming more decisive trusting that you have enough knowledge to move forward and that you dont need to scramble to hoard more before acting. and anyway. that all gives me hives. but if its necessary for my personal development. then i will push past this discomfort. and hope its only temporary. I Hope So Bad That This Is Only Temporary. just like all of this. can i be happy yet please :( im an atheist but ILL EVEN START PRAYING!!!!

Pathetic moemnts aside basically everything screaming at me in my monkey brain is telling me something is WRONG i DONT KNOW ENOUGH i need to PULL BACK and START OVER and pretty much everything reasonable ive ever heard is screaming the opposite so im going to be REASONABLE and KEEP GOING AS I AM. and hope thats enoguh. No... TRUST THATS ENOUGh. (My shounen protagonist momnt). something i realized recently that was comforting was looking back at the older works of someone who made something i really love. these older works are not bad but they are distinctly less good than the thing i like that came after them and definitely not as popular. this isn't news to anyone but, you know, it's one thing to hear someone say your first work isn't your best work, and another thing to see it in action.

"courage isnt the absence of fear its acting in the face of it" OR SOMETHIng. yeah. Just. Shaking myself by the shoulders. YOU ARE DOING FINE RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE DOING SO GOOD. DONT RUIN IT BY THINKING STUPID STUFF LIKE THAT YOU ARENT.. Anyway. now that we have all of that out of the way. I WANT TO LIVE AND BE ALIVE SO BAD! last year although awful had some good stuff that i learned for my own development. this year is better, i dont know if id call it good but it's certainly not horrible. but anyway, i think im realizing and learning a lot of important stuff this year.. though i am afriad im retreading ground. but one of the things i think i learned this year was HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS WORLD, MY GOODNESS!!!!

ok i took like a 2 hour long break from writing this. 3 hour actually. i kidna forget where i was going with it i mean i tihk it was just like theres so much cool stuff to do and i want to do all of it. kind of evil that i cant and thus have to prioritize my time buuut that is how it is. i have more to say about this but it is 11:50 pm i have still not done schoolwork my friend is. Sigh. Talking to me. And im busy. i wanna talk about it still though so,maybe later? or tomorrow? but, im sure its all stuff ive said before too, so maybe not... i repeat myselfa lot, i think. well anyway, it was a good day, it probably still is im just embroiled in an evil situation rn (2 friends arguing one of them is expecting me to back them up but im looking at what theyre saying and i think theyre acting kind of insane so. Dont know what to do!). have a good day anyone reading this. i wish you the good luck to not be embroiled in an evil situation. thanks for reading and bye bye

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(9/24/2022 4:52 am) up late agaiiiiinnnnn! i thought i would stay up less late tonight i didnt do taht though. just need to. break the cycle!@ oneof these days! anyway i aced my final due to cheating. its fine they cant tell. my first class is now over... and im going to start doing schoolwrok every day again tomrorow. oh also i did my math and art and stuff. i would like to ramble very long about a great many things right now but i robbed myself of that luxury by staying up until 5 am. do not pass go do not collect 100 dollers. well anyway have a good one ill see you tomorrow and hopefully ill actually get to bed sometime within the next week

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(9/23/2022 4:32 am) up at 4 am again cause im having. A time. the past liek 3 nights have been liek this WHY..... waking up at noon and not even having gotten 8 hours of sleep is so sad. anyway ive done my math and my art stuff. not doing my schoolwrok havent studied either have a final due tomorrow but its fiiiiine its fiiine guys its like. its fine. Anyway. i want to get to bed asap. maybe tomorrow i will be raesonable about things........ Unlikely.. Feel like i am slipping. #EMO!!!. gauh. ok. yeah that is all i am putting tonight i want to go to slepe. Goodnight all see you tomorrow and haev a good one

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(9/22/2022 12:30 am) haiiii im eating which is crazay. umm i liked th day i had today. woke up at noon spent most of my time entrenched in friend drama then i did my math around 8pm then did art studies for like an hour. then i did a little drawing its not much but i thoguht it was nice im glad i got to draw my oc. i was gonnna update this here website but there was Somebody in the room. and i dont want my family reading what im writing over my shoulder like that SUCKS ASS so i did anothjer drawing but its not as good. probably wont do schoolwork today despite being technically capable of it... sorry. IM a worm. Fucking AUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. tomorrow ill become an anti-masker (AKA everyone in my house no longer has covid meaning it is safe for me to go maskless and probably also was all throughout today). right now? i am fuckign sleepy. interesting choice of mine to get a bowl of cereal instead of sleeping i dont know why i did that. Just felt quirky i suppose. well have a good one that's it for tonight & buh bye

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9/21/2022 3:55 am) gonna keep it short cause its fucking LATE and i am SLEEPY. just got done doing my math and art studies. recently i think ive been more and more looking forward to art studies and less looking forward to math. i dont know whats up with that. ANYWAY. not gonna do schoolwrok today cause its LATE and im SLEEPY and i NEED TO GO TO BED. and before you chastise me for getting things done late (as if anyone who reads this would do that LOL) i have got to say to you that i spent half the day in an internet outage and the other half resolving friend drama and nearly didn't even do what i did get done so i think this day is actually far more productive than it really should've been all things considered. but ahhh yeah really gonna regret staying up till 4 am tomorrow i think. well it couldn't really be helped much. but still. if i had woken up ealrier i probably wouldnt even be in such a situation to begin with... SIGH!!!!. thats all for tonight folks. here's hoping to a tomorrow that's better than today

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(9/20/2022 1:30 am) not gonna lie i was being kind of cringe last entry i am actively fighting the urge to delete it Youre welcome. Feel like such a nerd wen i talk enneagram stuff. And the whole rant that came before it too how embaaaaarrrrasssing. Dont read it. im not deleting it though cause i didnt do anything wrong i just need to leave it. Jsut lave it man its fine.. ITS FINE!!! ok uhh waht. What did i come here to talk about. HO YEAH!!! So i celaned that fucking thing finally. Only took 3 weeks of running this damn blog and like 2 months before that jesus. Cat fountain is clean salvation is achieved. Ah.. what else. Proably wont do any schoolwrok tonight. I know, im a mega slacker. I did do my math and art studies though. And i dont think not doing schoolwork will harm me ATM.. should prboably get back on that tomrorow though. i decided not to do school works so id go to bed earlier but actually in the space freed up instead of sleeping i just did doodles ofmy characters who i love so much. This was stupid of me but i dont really regret it the doodles are cute. all in all i am so glad that i dont have to worry about showering or cleaning the cat fountain anymore.. well i do have to worry about them. BUT NOT TODAY BABY!!!!! So its fine. anyway im really fucking sleepy i shouldve been in bed (couch) like ahhhh fucking ahhhh how many. How many. Like 2.5 hours ago or something. So im gonna go sleepytimes now thacks for reading.

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(9/19/2022 12 am) DO I HAVE A 4 WING. NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!! i just encounered a description aobut the 4. that says that hteir driving force is to be deeply understood by both themselves and others. AND I WAS JUST GOING ON ABOUT THA!!!!T!!! NO.. I dont have a 4 wing i DONT...... i have deliberately avoided thinkign deeply about enneagrma wings forthis exact reason. to be fair 5w6 and 5w4 could both fit me tahts part fo why. But also I DONT WANT A 4 WING!! dude genuine fear struck my heart when i thought i might be a 4 just now. then i came back to my senses and realized that like all of the rest of my behaivor is so deeply fivey theres no way icould be core ennea 4. But just imagine. Scary world.

the article i wuz loking at was this btw https://ninetypes.co/blog/a-few-things-to-know-about-enneagram-fours i dont care about formatting it correctly right now im BUSY. There was sometihng taht makes me think i cant be a 4 on there though. This bit "Sometimes, 4s intentionally make themselves stand out a bit so they won’t be understood, thinking, “if I make it so you can’t understand me, it won’t hurt as much when I’m misunderstood.”" thats like not me LOL. i mean yeah sometimes i dont make effort to be understood but thats more like. i just give up. Like i know it wont be happening so im like Well takes a lot more effort to explain myself. For not much payoff. Soooo like why would i do that. thats just in social situations though in blog psots or whatever imClearly willing to explain myself.

there is something to be said WRT fours and authenticity.. like i dont know shit about enenagram 4s but authenticity seems to be a big thing for them and it, sort of is for me? which, i guess is expressed Via this blog. Acutly there are a lot fo things about 4 that resonate with me now that i think about it. But theres also a lot fo stuff that doesnt, and 5 explains a lot of parts of me, so im pretty sure im core 5. I probably do have 4 as a wing though or at least in tritype. Epic fail....

mehh i will talk more on it some day. Dont feel like it now though its 12:30 am. Oh yeah i did my math i forgot to mention i was just so horrified by the possibility of being an enneagram 4 i came straight here. And this isnt shade against 4s i like 4s i know one i just do NOT want to be a 4 id rather DIE. BLEUEEEUCHHH. (How i feel about that). anyway yeah i did my math im gonna go do my art studies now. DId i say i wasnt gonna do assignments today because yeha i think thats probably how itl go i dont think ill do them today iw ill msg my teacher though and ill count that as assignments lololol

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(9/18/2022 10 pm) heyyyllooo theirrrrr.. Ahhhhhhh hghhhhh;l . I havent done any Tasks yet todday dont get your hopes up. I did shower though finally. After 17 days of not showering. I think thats how many it was at leastr. this was an excessively pathetic day honeslty Im not even saying that to be self deprecating like its just objectively a kind of soggy day. like i woke up at 2 FUCKING PM and then i did nothing for 5 hours Then i got overwhelmed and VERY upset by two people having a conversation in my vicinity scampered off broke down crying but i couldnt go back to my desk until they left cause i was still Eughcgjgkhh.gh.g.h.h. SO i was like what can i do thats offline and i was like well i guess i should shower but it was so late in the day and i was getting a headache from crying and i made my mask wet with tears and SNOT (DISGUSTIGN!!!!) and i was so hot and soaked in sweat and i really wanted to shower but i didnt want to shower because What ,beacusde how , Cause what if i go up there and i ask to take a shower and its NO or i get sick fromit and what i am supposed to do with my mask will it be compromised from the humidity if i leave it in the bathroom while i shower and should the bathroom be aired out first and i didnt know what to do i wanted to ask my mom but she was showering but i got very upset especially cause there wasnt anywhere private i could go because due to the covid situation all of the clsoed spaces have been used by people with covida nd i dont wantr to lock myself in there to get sick or whatver so i was just kind fo crying in the open sapce Nobody SAW ME and i was very quiet but yo uknow it was not ideal. Anyway this continues for maybe 30 minutes i am VERY upset ive been upset by the sitaution for like a week and i havent showered and i keep waking up LATER ANDLATER so i have to go to bed later and later and i keep having less time to do things and it feels like verythings spiralling out of control but anyway eventally i finally go up and shower and after like 5 minutes in there im pretty much fine. Wet box cures all i guess. the shower did make me VERY tired though as it always does which is why i dont usually like showering before ive done tasks because i know after itll be harder for me to do them but things were kind of out of my hands and you have to understand if i had to go back in that room drenched in sweat face wet from crying with those fucking PEOPLE still chattering on and on next to me LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDEr to see VERYTHING IM DOING i was going to GO FUCKING INSANE. So anyway i showered anyway and im glad i showered but im just like. Man. Now im tired and i still have to do things and i might still get sick even after a week which would mean all of that was for NOTHING. Eughhhh :( i just want all of this to be over.

i'll probably let myself off the hook for schoolwork today.. i mean. it depends on how i'm feeling and how late it is when i do it. but i am ahead of schedule. i actually feel fine right now i just felt very compelled to explain my evil thought processes earlier because if you just hear that like Someone came in the room i was in and it made me THAT mega upset then you wouldnt get it. But it was very upsetting at thetime. And i needed to explain it., SO anyway. Things to do for today. math, art studies, Maybe schoolwork... im not cleaning that thing today thats for certain. Im gonna try and get to bed earlier than i have been tonight, i went to bed at 3 am last night BTW. Ill explain later. But ill proabbly feel better able to handle cleaning that thing now that im showered and the covid stuff is dying down. Hell i might even do it tomorrow!

so yesterday what happened after my update.. i did 1 assignment and then let myself off the hook for the other 1 cause i was already ahead of schedule i was feeling pretty downtrodden and well it was 3 am (3:30 am when i actually got into bed Or should i say. COUCH. Actually. AUGUHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY FUCKING BED :(((((( WAUUUGH ) but you might be wondering why i was Downtrodden. WELL ILL TELL YOU. so far in this school semester i have maintained a FOUR POINT OH GPA. OR wahtever. i dont think this is an accomplishment i mean its community college. but nayway. LAST NIGHt. THIS WAS BROKEN. i took a quiz in my software design class.. i got 1 answer wrong. Ok. No biggie. i can take the quiz twice. i take it again, certain i will have all correct answers... However. I got one wrong?!!??!!? But thing is. If you refer to the textbook. It directly contradicts the answer marked as correct on the quiz! This leads me to believe either the question was worded incorrectly, the wrong asnwer was marked as the correct one, or perhaps, i am being fucking stupid, and i have missed something important all along.. But anyway. It just really feels like i shouldve gotten that question right. And thats the ONLY assignment so far that i have gotten less than a 100% on.

So yeah, i had assignments done a week in advance, i had just broken my streak of all 100% assignments, and it was 3 am, so i only did one assignment. Sue me or watever but i did not feel like ending up in bed at 5 am. God knows hwo today wouldve gone if i had gotten up at 3 pm. Probably somehow even worse. i ama BROKEN MAN. im being dramatic right now but i think i have earned the right to be... which is a very funny thing to say after reaping what i have been sowing. So yeah maybe it was my decision to not shower and also to put off doing things for so long that i end up in bed at 3 am, WHATS YOUR POINT.

ive also been planinng thr future a little. Is it worth talking about here..... Mmmmmaybe. I think ive already been over it. i want to add new things to my schedule but im barely managing whats already there right now like FUCK i am a Disaster today. SO maybe unwise of me. BUT is it really such a crime for a guy to indulge in the fantasy of being a functional human being. Or even a human being at all. Oftentimes i feel straight up like a creature. Im just a beast set loose. And given a human skin. And i have to play along without really knowing what a human is suppost to do. But then again i think everyones like that.

See what i just did there? Thats my compulsive self-reassurance that i'm not an enneagram 4. If i ever say anything that implies i think im different from other people i get really embarrased and i have to immeidately counteract it with some self aware statement about how thats probably not too uncommon. Everyone is always pointing out how much of a weirdo i am but if i acknowledge that Sometimes my thoguhts adn feelings differ from the norm it makes me sound like im "just trying to be special". I think this informs much of how i act but unlike other things that inform much of how i act its really annoying because i dont really know why i do it as much as other things.

Mmm something something "faking mental illness for attention" "trying to be random and quirky" "not like other girls" "im 14 and this is deep" societal brian poisoning. CAn i not just have a fuckking thought. WHY am i playing Fucking 4d chess against myself. i would say i would rather feel a genuine if embarrassing emotion over Filtering everything i do through the lens of some 30 year old irony poisoned redditor Who is also at heart a high school bully making fun of online teenagers But evidently that is not true because i keep doing it. Does anyone else have this issue or am i jsut being insane. I mean i know i cant be the only one but i never hear anyone talk about this so to what degree is this common?

honestly it was once implied that i was an enneagram 4 and i reacted very extremely negatively to it. i think i have a deep fear of people thinking im "trying" to be weird / random / whathaveyou. To prevent against this im filtering everything i do through the filter of "self awareness" But that pollutes things even moreand doesnt really make me aware of anything. It actualy makes it feel MORE like im "trying" to be weird because im aware of the fact i AM being weird beucawse theres my normal person brain Thats normal in there and guys, i can be normal trust me. I can be SO normal. Thertes a normal person in here, it just so happens that everything i do is done in a Weird fucking way, but this is something im in total control of, but also every weirdo thing i do feels completely genuine somehow, but im just aware of it AND the normalt hing to do, and listne, let me prove to you how normal i am RIGHT now. im aware i am being COMPELTELY FUCKING INCOMPREHSNEIBLE. There is an idea in here i am trying to get across and it is just not working and its frustrating the hell out of me. Its a very specific expeirence i want to communicate but i just dont think i have the tools to do that. See, you might think i Dont know how fucking stupid i sound just stringng words together trying to get you to understand how my brain works, but i am fully aware of it, and still consciously choosing to try and explain it in the way my brain is trying to string it togehter because thats what feels more "genuine" to me.. but the fact i am aware of how its not working and consciously choosing to keep doing it in the way that makes me sound insane despite being AWARE makes me feel like its a conscious and calculated cohice to do this, but it kind of is and kind of isnt. The awareness, thats my 'nomral' person brain i dscribed earlier. Ugh hold on let me make another paragraph

SMALL DETOUR. So are you ever thinking about if there are ideas thoguths or feelings that its just genuinely impossible to convey to another persona dn have them understand it or is that just me. BEcause sometimes, it feels like, i really genuienly just cant get these thigns out of my brain adn in a way thats understandalbe. Some willc all this simplifying your thoughts and feelings to be "digestible" or whatever and like i just want someone to know waht the fuck im on about. HOW am i supposed to treat these issues if i CANT EVEN DESCRIBE THEM. ITs so frustrating. Like ok, somebody will ask me to do something, and ill have a knee jerk reaction of No id ont want to do that, and in my head, theres a reason, Theres such a reason, but when i try and describe it, the person doesnt get it or it sounds like im just making excuses, i ramble and ramble and go nowhere, it just feels like its impossible to cross that communication void and have them UNDERSTAND. and its so annoying beacuse then my Self awarness "Ohhh your just triyng tobe QUIRKYYY" Crops up and its like Oh, you think your so special, you thikn your Not able to be understood.. like uigh, yes and no, i mean i am aware that my experiences are not unique because NONE of them are but also i KNOW i am not understandalbe in the sense that i haev TRIED to get people to understand and i cant communicate it or they cant receive it and it just feles like trying and getting NOWHERE and its FRUSTRATING. im trying to blog and be GENUINE and CANDID and i think that the blockage is that im unwilling to be vulnerable and forthcoming but the truth of the matter is i am willing to be vulnerable and forthcoming like baby ive shared SO many personal details on this little blog o mine im just so BAD at it i cant overcome this wall of understanding its just. BLEH!!!

i dont think youre grasping it. let me rephrase. actually before i do that, i dont think youre grasping any of it. i feel like this stuff neds to come out but i just go in loops trying to describeit and it just doesnt work. but ok yes let me do another little detour. so my sibling once told me I dont know the exact details but sometihng along the linesof how they know me better than i know myslf know my personality know everything i think etc. and i got mad well DUH i got mad! and they said it was just because i dont WANT to be known or understood... wich was SOO frustrating. im not mad cause i dont WANT you to understnad me. its cause i DO want you to understand me and youre NOT GETING IT!!! i want you to understand me but youre WRONG about me and youre convinced that youre right!! and im trying to explain it to you but im doing a bad job and worst of all your doing a bad job of listening!! i WANT to be understood but im so bad at saying it and nobody will put in the work to interpret!! NOT that i think they should be obligated to i mean i woudl LOVE to say things in aw ay that doesnt requrie "WORK" To understand but you know since it does (OR AT LEAST I THINK IT DOES I DUNNO!!!) it would be nice if someone would try to figure it out without bad fiath interpretations due to poor wording or any interrogations. im not making excujses im just trying to explain myself i SWEAR!!

Side note i do get a little embarrassed when someone interpretrs me correclty sometimes. The moritfication of being known or whatever etc etc But not to the degree that i would get like, mad about it. Sometimes its not that i dont want to be known Sometimes you are just wrong + please listen to me.

sometimes ill have a very specific emotion and ill try to make vent art to express it and then i try to draw it and i cant put the feeling into images or into words. Then the feeling goes away. I dont like it

what the fuck was i initially talking about this time. Ok wait im backing up. Uhh what. Ok. Wiat before i do that i want to acknoweldge its probably very telling i had to interrupt my blog that i intentionally write in an extremely unfiltered stream of consciousness manner with a section about how i am actually SO normal in my brain guys trust me and everything i say has a completely reasonable explanation that im just not sharing. Like wow. Cant be genuine for 5 minutes without being interrupted by self awareness, or maybe in this case its more genuine to be self aware because thats whats happening in my brain constantly, who knows. I'm doing it again BTW, but if im self aware enough about it then it doesssnt even count. What am i saying

Ok yeah, so back onto my original point. Theres like 2 selves in here (Not really i amjust one guy) one thats genuine and the other guy that watches and Filters through the lens of self awarens. And before i continue. Id like to say. I never have a fframe of reference for whats normal. I dont know if the things im saying is Weirdo shit or just stuf feveryone does that nobody acknowledges cause its so normal. But at the risk of totally embarrrasng myself, my brain wroks like this: ill have the impulse to do something weird/wacky/silly (IM actually a very silly person.) probably for a luagh. And then i will have the counter self awareness that is fully conscious of the oddness of what i am doing. But i will do it anyway. The self awareness on some level i perceive as acting as some kind of a canceller.. Ahh for instance. A kid who knows theyre cute ceases to be cute in the eyes of other people. One direction's You don't know you're beautiful. If you know about it, it's not truly honeslty there anymore, in some sense? The act of being aware of it has. Cancelled it out. But that's not really how it works, or maybe it is? i tink something i am becoming more cognizant of is that Both of those 'selves' are equally true... Just because im capable of looking at my impulses via a more objective lense doesnt mean that the impulses dont exist or that im 'faking it' when i act on them. Like

when i first started having symmptoms of depression, i was like, Ahhh i feel so emotionally numb, i just want to kill myself BLAH BLAH BLAH. Ands the self aware (Thats what were calling it anyway) part of me was like Well logically you have no raesn to feel taht way. (In retrospect i did actually hve reasons to feel that way that werent entirely dependent on depression but the fact of the matter is depression can be Anyone can have it. Sooo) so becasue i knew that This was an unreasonable way to be feeling.. i was like. If i kept feeling it after that, then it felt like a fakery, like i was 'doing it on purpose' because my acknoweldgement of it was SUPPOSED to have cancelled it out, but i was still doing it, in a manner that felt like it had to be intentional. But the logner that time goes on, the more i realize that thats not how it is, that im MUCH less aware of or in control of myself than i ever thought, which is as simultaneously relieving as it is scary. In one sense its relieving cause i feel validatedd... Im not faking any bad feelings i have. Nor any good ones. Or my whole entire personality, for that matter. Im just feeling them, and simultaenously aware of them, which doesn't cancel them.. Im not having depression as a scheme to receive validation im having it cause i have it. DUH. But on a different level its a bit scary. Cause now i know that agianst my better judgemnet ill be driven to act in ways that are illogical, emotionally driven, impulsive, or just flat out stupid, even when i absolutely know better, which in some cases is worse than not knowing better..

Actually, i tihkn that was pretty coherent. it took a little bit for me to gert there, this is an idea ive been trying to put into words for a long time now and just been very incapable of it, but also something ive been acutely aware of happening in my own mind for what is a very long time.. i genuinely and fully am unable to tell if this is something other people experience. Like this is just a completely self-awareness blind spot for me. i know ive said it so mny times but i am absoluely lacking a frame of reference,,. so mayeb this is totlaly normal. But previously i ws so unable to describe it that i wouldnt ahve even been able to ask if it was normal without coming off like a stupid asshole, whereas now i could probably get a straight answer on whether ornot this is a thing other people expeirnece.

it could absolutely be and now that i think about it is pretty likely that other people experience the same two selves but understand more intuitively how it works. Like they wouldn't think of it as being cancelled out via awareness, although, i feel like some other people had to have been thinking of it that way, because it's a very deeply rooted idea in my mind, and Something had to put it there, which means Someone had to spread it, which means Someone else was thinking like this in the first place. but anyway, i think partof this does seem pretty normal compared to the experiences of other people, but i think that my confusion aobut it wasn't, or it could've been just one fo those things that everyone grows to understand, who knows. maybe it's one of those things everoyne has but nobody is obsessing about it except me. i mean i wouldnt say im obsessing about it except ive broguht it up relatively ofen on the blog often in vaguer terms so yeah i guess i was kind of obsessing over it.

Sorry for the mega rant. that needed to come out somewhere, i dont think ive ever PROPERLY and COMPREHENSIBLY expressed that before. i do absolutely have more ot say about that but its gone from 10 pm to 11:30 pm as im writing this and i would rather not be doing my math past 12 am so i'm gonna cut this short and save the rambling for tomorrow. i might be back later tonight or i might not. i'm gonna try to do my math, do my art, and then have sleepies. Thanks for eading genuienyl. im kind of proud i was able to put that into words finally. let me know if you got anything from that.. OR DONT! Thats the beauty of being able to choos ewhether or not to comment on my profiel. Im having a much better time now than i was earlier. So i hope you have a good day as well. BYE BYE!!!

Entry 33

(9/18/2022 2 am) haiii i am sooooosleepy. so. i did get my math & art studies done what like 4 hours ago or sometyhing. i was gonna update me blog then but i got distracted. now i stil have to do site update and schoolwrok but i am. So sleepy. technically im sure i could take a break and be totally fine. i mean it would probably benefit me far more to go to bed as early as i can at this point than to do more assignments over a week in advance. however. for severla reasons i am too lazy & sleepy to explain at the moment. i am unwilling to do that. SO. Sleep deprivation it is i guess. ive already bene waking up at noon SO how bad can it get. Still havent showered BTW. its just. AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ill explain later and by later i mean tomorrow or preferably nevr. Have a good night all. Thats all for 2day

Entry 32

(9/17/2022 12:20 am) HIIIIII KILL ME. so i put off doing anything until 10 pm. for reasons unknown. could be related to the fact i woke up at noon today. still havent showered or cleaned the fountain. i AM. Dying. i just got math & art studies done which is good but golly am i feeling evil about doing these assignments. should i just cut my losses and go to bed now? im already a week ahead. but also, i dont want to skip on this stuff.. im trying to prove things to myself after all! and i dont want the thing i prove to myself to be that if i wait long enough then i can get out of doing stuff!! i know im capable of doing assignments i just wonder if its worth doing them at like 1 am yknow.

i spent a lot of today looking at local events that i probably won't be going to and working out a plan that i probably won't follow for the next 'a while'. so i want to get back into streaming, but my equipment is broken so i need to replace it to stream, but i don't have money to do that.. so i need to make money.. so for the short term im gonan focus on getting money so i can stream Among other things. my plan extends far beyond that but it starts depending on uncertainties and stuff that i can't do right now and the one thing i CAN do right now is make things to sell so i can get money (to clarify im selling character designs) so i should focus on doing that first. Obviously

tomorow. i ngeeed to clean that fountain. or shower or sometihng. or AUGHHHHH AUGHHHHHHHHH Ok . I jut . I NEED To . Do the things. I . AAAUUUGH. Ok whatever. THats tomorrow. Today i ned to do my assigments and go to bed. So thats what ill do. And then tomorrow is toorrow. And tomorrow was suposoed to be today but it wasnt. But i cant change that now thats fine ill jst do the thinfs tomorrow. Guys i hate it.

this world is so cool and so many stuffs to do but the process of actually living in it is just icky sometimes. aaauughhhhh. FINGERS CROSSED that this will become more tolerable.

WELL that is enough of that. time to go do assignments. Have a nicer day than i am having and PEACE OUT!! ! (Youtube outro0

Entry 31

(9/15/2022 5:30 pm) hello world. i am so full of evil right now. joke? i have gotten my math & art done.. in the process of doing a school assignment.. still havent cleaned that thing, kind of nervous about it.. i think i actually wont shoewr today.... im thinkign about things... aoeughjhhhhhhhh.. Life is such a . Neverending ensluahgt of just. THINGS. Like come on man! Give me a break!!!!!!!!! vbelhhhhh. i want to stream soon i think... to do that i need to get a new microphone + webcam.. and to do that i have to get money.. so im thinking maybe like tomorrow or something i will try to Do sometihngto make money. And or work onmy stream assets. So i have sometihng cool to come back with.

that seems like a good plan right? AUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Sorry. I m haivng a moment. No act ually i feel totally normal im jst like bleh. You know. earlier today i accidnetally ate a SECOND gummy vitamin . I tihnk it gave me illnesses. itssss fine i am sooo normal . RIghyt now. Ahhhh what was i going. What was i thinking. I was tinnking something and i lost tracka it. Oh yeah. Well i want to clean that thing but im scared to cause actually i dont know why im being so shady about it. Ive been calling it that thing this whole time i think cause i was embarrased. Its a water fountain for my cats and its overdue for a cleaning. I get worried, i dont think itll harm them if its dirty but obivouisly i want them to have clean water. But its such a huge thing to clean it. It'll take like 2 hours and i'll get drenched in water (Probably not noraml) and with the coronavirus going around i get worired that if i clean it itll touch someting infected / maybe i have it but im asymptomatic and then by virtue of me cleaning it and extensively handling it ive infected their source of water or something. So its worrying me because i think the longer it goes without a clean the worse it is obviously and i really don't want it to be super dirty but dirty is better than genuinely diseased isnt it? But its not a guarantee or maybe even a likelihood that sometihng like that owuld happen. IDK. I dont evne know how germs work. Im just very worried. Its making me not want to do it but i have to do it. Ive been complaining about how i need to do it since i started the damn blog!!!

i love doing tasks but i swear whenever i have tasks to do sometihng falls by the wayside. like ok. ITs like. I feel like i only have the space to do like 1 substantial thing per day. Which is AWFUL stupid. Like there are so many hours in a day and a task only takes up like 1 of them OR 2 if its a real big one. so ill fall into a pattenr of like Ahh i cant do that ive already got too much to do today. if im trying to like, shower, and clean the water fountain in the same day. Its like .. Thats too many things!!! even though its really not. both of those only take like an hour each, thats 2 hours out of over 12. and then, because im trying to do this list of tasks every day, my mind is going, every SINGLE day you have too many things to do, so you cant add ANYTHING else, even if youve been putting off cleaning something thats really important to clean for like 2 months!! blehh.

im hoping that as time goes on the list of tihngs i have to do each day will become things ive get used to. instead of being all-day affairs they'll take like 2 hours, which i know is sometihng i'm capalbe of doing.. as time goes on it will becme a mundane daily routine i can maintain without it having to be a big Thing. thats what im hoping for. that's what's important to me right now. then, once i get there, i can add more tasks to that daily routine, or focus on filling my days with fun once i meet a baseline requirement of "productivity"... but until then. my brain is like EVERY DAY IS SOO BUSY YOU CANT POSSIBLY ADD ANOTHER THING (even though the stuff im doing literally only needs to take 2-3 hours!!!!!! Brain insane :( )

even as im getting the hang of things life is still chaotic and im still gettinmg pulld under the waves and tide or wahtever psuedo poetic bullship my brain wants to use to metaphorize my expeirences. my only hope is that as time goes on it will become Less.. Like that. and more like something i enjoy. LOL. im noticing a pattern that im probably at my most happiest and satisfied with my life if i spend time with my friends or fmaily. it has to be after ive already achieved a certain amount in the day though or else ill be too anxious and guilty to enjoy it properly. and also if i do it TOO much i get a little cray cray. its likeeee a fine balance or somethinggggg.

Just have to like cross my fingers and hope all this stuff will pay off. i mean its an improvement over what i was doing at least! right now i dont have my water fountain cleaned but i do have all my schoolwork done like a week in advance, a blog i can say is mine, a small collection of cat art studies to look at, and some not insignificant improvement in my attitude towards math. as opposed to like a month ago, where my water fountain still wasn't cleaned, but i was also doing nothing and felt like shit... so you know what. I think the way things are. Is not as bad as i was making it out to be. could be betterbecause nothing ever feels like a month but there is a definite improvement just over the past 3 weeks that i'd do poorly to negate.

hmm i dont really ahve more stuff to say not really but im still doing this lameass assignment (oyu have to watch a bunhc of vids and it tracks if youve watched it or not.it doesnt really matter if you pay atttrention so im NOT paying attention TROLOLOLOL) so like what else is there to do. anyway would you believe me if i said even after all i just said that i STILL want to add more stuff even before ive truly gotten a hang of it. im insane. Lsiten.. my brain just wants everything NOW NOW NOW. But i need to pace myself.. if i pile too many things on top of myself too quickly i will Burn the hell out and not be able to do any of it. I know this from experience. i think near like the beginning of this year i tried to add a new task to the daily to-do list every like month? you'd think it'd work better than this has been working but for some reason it didn't like it went extremely poorly.

so maybe i shouldn't be comparing myself to my past self when i am actually both doing and able to handle a larger amount of work than i think i'd even initially givenmyself but i really do need to tamp down on the instinct to start all of these things at once when i don't even totally have a handle on what i do have. i can be a bit too impulsive in that regard so No siree bob am i doing that! i jsut need to hold off until ive got it under control. i can plan for when i do actually do those things though. i like planning. Even though i getsilly about it #Silly.

well i finished my dumb assignment so now i can go do a different dumb assignment and then after that maybe ill clean that thing or maybe i wont. im kind of on the fence about it. im worried about doing it but im also worired about not doing it :( i dont know. i mean its waited 2 months for a cleaning it can wait 1 more day but what if it CANT wait 1 more day. And it like breaks cause i didnt clean it today. Thisis what haunts me ok. Or what if its like nasty sludge poison in there. I want to rip my skin off just thinking about it. Exaggeration, probably. blertggghhhh i need it done but i just really really do not want to do it. i do not want to do it i do not. i dont wnat to do anything. AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Tomorrow/ Tomorrow? Can i do it tomorrow? Can i do it tomorrow? I want to do it tomorrow. And not today. I DONT WANT TO DO IT TODAY. I DONT WANT TO DO IT AT ALL. AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Ok ill do it tomorrow good talk. AHhaahahahaahahaahhaaha :(

Ok thats all i have to say. Maybe ill clean it today i probably wont though. Oh also its been 2 weeks since my last shower ithink ialready mentioned that though. And yeah i dont fele like showering today. Even though im mega nasty. I just like uehghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH Maybe tomorrow i will magically transform into a different person who wants to do things. This wont happen but mabey it will? Stay tuned. Im gonna do that one assignment and then beyond that i give no promises. Bye everypony have a good day

Entry 30

(9/15/2022 1 am) haiii its 1 am complicated i decided to edit out some of the stuff i said earlier today or i guess tehcnically yesterday cause i think i got over personal. i mean this blog was created SO that i could get over persnal but i am fine with it in very speicifc ways and i think i wil decide to not do it in other ways. Basically talking openly about my feelings WRT my current life and self improvement & productivity & stuff = fine but talking openly about like my childhood or people in my life or something i tihnk just kind of makes me feel weird about it so im not gonna do that. I didnt want to edit anythingoff this blog but i think im gona be uncomfortable if its still on here so Pleez respect my decision :3 thank you. i cant erase it from peples minds so IF you saw me going crazy then No you didnt. (Exaggeraiton on the going crazy bit i think i was being quite normal just a bit rambly and got a little too TMI it was fine though)

anyway i did that assignment after fucking. ALL day of putting it off. it was extrmeely easy which i kindof predicted but didnt predict hard enough to get it done earlier in the day but whatever its fine. i tihnk i was just out of my depth but now that i know more what to expect (e.g.: Fucking easy!!!) i will be fine. its always starting thats the hardest after all.. #Wisdoms. but yeah coding at this beginner level is really not too hard. They call me python god i guess. i might even try to make it a habit to do it every day...? Ah, thats scary though. ITS SCARY OK!?!?!?!

As of today (today as in its past 12 am and thus a new day) i have not showered in 2 weeks. I had no fucking idea until i chcekd the calendar actually. I smell really bad so i think usually i wouldve noticed by now and been like Oh shit i gotta take a shower but ive been wearing a mask constantly so i havent been able to smell it and everyone around me is also masking so nobody pointd it out. But when i was maskless i was like Wait. Am i fucking stinky right now. And i WAS. So yeah, i gotta take a shower tomorow LOL. and i NEED TO CLEAN THAT FUCKING THING. :"(. I need to do it tomorrow. I dont even care about covid i just want to be done with it. Well i have to clean it every 2 weeks (ignore how i havent cleaned it inlike 2 months) so ill only be temporariyl done with it but thats better than not done with it at all OK...

SO. on the agender for tomorrow. do my tasks. preferably as quick as possible so that i can move onto other things.. THEN. i will clean that fucking thing. after that? i will takea shower. and then after that? maybe i wil hang with a friend. cause i want to do that more often. or maybe i will do a writey thing, cause i got the impulse to get creative today i think. the impulse was sated by fucking around in python but the beast wont remain satisfied for long. would anybody be interested in seeing things i write? i thought about putting it on a diff website than this one but maybe i should share it here? acutally i dont think anyone will comment. not evne in a 'nobody is reading this' way just like when imr eading something i get shy and wont comment. which is reasonable

maybe i cold get like a guestbook or chatroom embed or something. I dunno. i got the status cafe one but i dont really uhmmm Use it. Yeah idont use it. LOL. Erm.. Epic fail. anyway i prooobably wont put my creative work on here cause of reasons. i think ia lready explained them at some point i dunno. If i didnt i dont feel like doing it now so whats it matter wehther or not i have. hmmm well thats all ive got fr now i think. Have a good one on this fine night and buh bye. Lets hope tomorrow i get to bed earlier.

Entry 29

(9/14/2022 1:30 pm) howwwdyyy. havent eaten yet so im hungry. have done math + art studies though. feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. buuut it's fine. the assignments i have to do today look difficult and intimidate me.. and i still have not cleaned that thing.. and i am unshowered. But it is fine. i will do my assignments as they arise.. if i have some spare time ill probably clean that thing... or. well i probably wont do that but its what i SHOULD do. yesterday i hung out with some friends for a while which was nice, made me happy, i should probably do that more often. the day before that i had a ton of free time but it mostly sucked actually.

hmmm howq to articulate this.. so ok. i think this is maybe a sort of critical moment for me. i think i have been getting more into the groove of doing things and more efficient with it and i have felt pretty confident in my ability to handle things. However. A new enemy is approaching.. my workload just increased. And even worse. They are going to force me to learn to program. I know. Evil. An extremely scary prospect, which is why I've been running a website for 2 1/2 weeks, obviously. i think i am technically capable of handling this though.. so i am just gonna try my best to stay at the baseline im at. If i try to do too many things too quickly i might overwhelm myself out of doing anything but if I fall behind that would lead to the exact same outcome. So i'm going to just try and do what I have been doing for the past few days, though more efficiently if i can help it, which is math, art studies, neocities, and 2 school assignments.. I think itll be hard for me today. But nothing im not technically capable of handling. So ill be ok... Porbalby.

Not to brign up the enneagram again but i think nearly all of my procrastination relates to fear and nearly all of that fear relates to the enneagram 5 core fears. OMG MY MOM IS GETTING ME FODOD!!!!!! YEAAAAAAYYY :D Aweeweeeeee Awwghhgh :D :D :D Yaaahhh Yipeee!!!! YAAAY!!!! Sorry i got excxited. I was wishing on a star for a Good Meal. So i was excited. What the fuck was i talking about oh yeah so the core fears of the enneagram 5 are to be incapable or incompetent or powerless to be overwhelemd or invaded. The fear of not having enough of what we need blah blah blah. I mean its pretty obvious if you think aobut it how the things i am afriad of doing relate to this.

Reason being we fundamentally see ourselves as incapable of handling the world around us so we think we need to withdraw from the world until we ARE able to handle it... Which is a feeling i feel very oftne. I would often like to have all of life just pause for a while so i can likecatch my breath. HOWEVERRR. What they do not realize is that The withdrawal from the world is PRECISEly what MAkes them unabl;e to handle it.. Bum bum bum. I withdraw from doing Tasks beacsue im like AAHHHH ITS OVERWHELMING ME I CANT DO IT I CANT DO IT IM GONNA DIEEEEE So i withdraw away from it. But the time i spend away from it is not spent in a vacuum Time is still passing like it or not so as time passes it becomes even MORE overhwelming because now things are stakcing up and honestly like

when m away from sometihng for too long it becomes unfamiliar and scary. Like in a way that makes more sense if im streaming every few days i find it fairly easy to do the next stream but if i take a break from it thats just like slightly too long it becomes scary and i find it exponentially harder to get back into it.

Anyway ive been thinking about this stuff cause i saw a yt video saiyng that procrastination was driven by boredom which like yeah id be lying if i said that wasnt part of it but i think it really depends on person to person cause mine is more dependent on fear. I mean boredom is also fear the Fear of deprivation but its not MY fear. In the same way that perfectionism is also driven by fear but even though i struggle a tiny bit with it cause i think most people do its not really my DRIVIGN fear. And i think if you ignore the fact that its 1) Fear that drives and 2) The fear that drives people is different depending on who it is Duh then i think your advice is prboably gonna suck more.

But anyway because my procrastination is so strongly driven by these fears: Fear of being incapable (i dont wanna do shit i dont know how to do) Fear of being overwhelmed or having resources drained (is it gonna take up a ton of my time and energy? If so im OUT!!!) then anything that doenst acknowledge that and chalks it up to avoidance of boredom or worse LAZINESS (I have much to say abot this..) is jsut not gonna be as good as osmething that does. Its not one size fits all. I mean it kind of is in some ways but also i think you need to acknowledge the reasoning. IMO..

because ok the solution this guy suggested was to like make it so you couldnt do anything else. except for the task your avoiding. which i mean yeah this will get you to do it eventually but if youre afraid of the task which inmy case is most likely why im avoiding it instead of the fear of boredom itself then this will not help as much as youre assuming it will. Like ok. When i had my phobia of plumbing it was kind of hellish to take showers. I would go in there and just like stand in the tub for an hour trying to wrok up the courage to turn it on. It was boring as hell. There was nothing else to do except shower and i still sat there for 3 hours once cause i was scared. i mean YES it does work EVENTUALLY but there are other ways you can make it work a lot faster if you're not trying to brute force it. Its Not one size fits all!

i dunno i think it kind of sums up a lot of my frustration with the current discipline / productivity movement. theres too much focus on raking yourself over the coals for being "lazy" and assuming youre just a glutton who loves social media too much to ever do anything else. i mean i cant presume to know the inside of these peoples minds maybe who knows they actually ARE just lazy but in my case when i was participating in that behavior it was moslty avoidant behavior driven by fear. And im not saying you have to coddle yourself but you know, being an asshole to yourself serves nobody. Least of all you. I just think that youre hurting more than helping by constantly reading your behavior in the most bad faith way possible. That will only cause problems for you. If anythings self indulgent its not your social media usage its actually your obsession with making up new reasons to loathe yourself even when none are there. IMO just much better to identify the deeper reasons behind what youre doing rather than chalkingup the behavior to exacttly hwat it looks like on the surface and failing to self reflect at all. I mean i guessi m getitng up on kind of a high horse here and ive already talked abotu this before but it just irks me is all

they see themsleves as 'lazy' When its more complciarted than that And theyre doing themsleves such a disservice because ofit. In all ways. And focusing on productivtiy as the end goal Rather than as a tool to accomplishyour goals and enjoy your life because of it. Youre not the most lazy stupid hedonistic guy ever who is wasting life blah blah blah you're just some guy who struggle sa bit more to do stuff than other guys right now. Thats it. Weere all just guys and im TIRED of you people suggesting otherwise...... (Talking about redditors mostly LOLLL)

You dont need a Dopamine detox or whatever. Or i guess maybe some of you do because im talking mostly about myself here and i am not the baseline of human experience maybe its true that osme of you need to do that i dunno i trust you generally to know whats best for yourslef but all im saying is that i think its a bit over the top sometimes is all. And sometimes the people are being really uncharitable to themselves. And that SUCKS to see it! your not a "brainless social media zombie" and if you are its not because youre just inherently lazy and passive its because social media is literally designed to have you on it for as long as possible like thats the app working as deisgned Not you being uniquely shit or whatver.

theres sort of a compulsion to read your own behaivor as uncharitably as possible I know im making fun fo the people who do it but its absolutly there for me as well and maybe even to a greater extent than them. My own inner monologue is constnatly making up insane reasons for me to do thigns and i dont even know why? Like no.. Im not exhibiting symptoms of depression in private without telling anybody as a means of getting attention. And in fact it is absolutely insane to suggest that. Its not a 50000 iq play to harness the power of mental illness for your own sick means You literlaly just have depression go see a doctor idiot. But anyway despite the fact i nkow that the impulse is always there which i guess is why im dunking extra hard on people who fall into it without self awareness or wahtever. Cause it just serves nobody. It doesnt help you and it definitely doenst help anyone else.

if you wont do it for yourself cause you ahte yourself so much or wahtever then rest assured your friends DO see it when you call yourself lazy and stupid for acting normal and they probably indulge in the same behaviors you do so theyre gonna si thtere like Is that how my friend tihnks of me...?. And yeah the dirving motivation between not hating yourslef or not hating yoursdelf publicly or whatever SHOULD be because you realized its not helping and decieed to care about yourself but failing that if you cant do it for oyurself theres a reason that i think is good enough to convince people generally.

Anyway this is probyl a rare moment of sometihng along the lines of self awareness and mental healh. I dont know i think i have been getting better lately generally. Or at least my mindset is shifting to something that i think is healthier and will serve me betterin the future. But these things absolutely fluctuate so there is fully the chance that in like a week or wahtevr ill be just like the people im making fun of. Cause im the most inconsistent man on Planet earth.

anyyywayyy i think thatsss all i have to say about thaaaaat. i like doing longer updates but sometimes i feel evil for being too opinionated. IM like omg what if im wrong and i just ahd an opinion online AHHHH so scary so cringe!!! IM humiliated!! Someone come save me from making choices about what to believe in and talking openly about it!!!! But i think that is probably an impulse its better to tamp down on than feed into. So even if i am wrong i am going to keep sharing the things i think WRT this topic. Cause even if im wrong well ill learn. And i hve faith that anyone reading this is smart enouh to come to their own conclusions.

i recently got the impulse to start plannign again i think cause things are going well so i wanna know what to do when i move on after this phase of life Like i eman when i have these habits down adn can focus on forming new ones but i need to tamp down on that instinct cause ive planned it like 5 milion times i will NOT be doing anything new i will ONYL be retreading old ground but also. It tempts me you guys. It tempts me. And anyway right now the important thing is to maintain rather than pile on more stuff. But also i gotta figure out what more sutff im gonna pile on in like a few months you know.

I already even discussed it ehre but im getting the impulse to retread that groudn again. I think i do that a lot. Repeat myself. I mean its MY blog so I can go in circles and NOOOOOBody can complain about it but also im a bit concerned on if this is the right approach to life........? Mehhh. i mean as long as i am actually executing my plans whats a little planning gonna hurt anyone. I need to focus first on actually executing these plans (Doing tasks everry day and ptuting in work to form those habits) because for long stretches of time i will be consuming ifnormation but not executing which sucks and helps nobody. But so long as i ACTUALLY have that out of the way i dont see harm to come from consuming more ifnormation again so long as im actually gettign something from it you know.

anyway... maybe once i am done with this round of habits i will start trying to work out or whatever. i mean its kind of intimidating though. its jsut ugh such an ordeal. but there are ways to make it less intimidating, and i think itd benefit me a lot.. for reference i am kind of floppy and near entirely sedentary. i have not gone outside in a while and i am the defintiion of guy who spends al day every day on the computer. ACTUALLY terminally online. so you nkow. i couldprobabbyl benefit from some physical activity. But liek. ughhhhhUghhhh uGHHHHHHHHH. Im gonna have to be all SWEATTTYYYYYY. YUCK!!!! And take SHowers... Blehhhh. Its just such an ORDEAAAL. but tbh i would probably do it if it was beat saber yeah i mean i love beat saber i havent plyed it in like a year but i played it pretty actively when i did i would probably be able to form a routine around that in all honesty. But the idea of working out when theres NOT fun music and bright colors being blasted at me....? Why would anyone ever do that. EVER. No appeal. None at all.

There was some stuff here that i redacted its not too big a deal i just thoght i got a litle too personal so i took it out. Its fine if you saw it though i jsut dont want to get like taht on here going forward. So if the end feels a bit abrupt here then SORRY!!!

ive gone on WAYYY too long like WOW like way to loong. And i think i said a bunch of garbage nonsense. With maybe too many persoanlly identifying details. But well its whatever. Sometimes it just needs to come out. Maybe one day i will return to these topics in a way that mkaes more sense and in a way thats like wow i have somethging to Say about this topic. But for right now you justget unfiltered brainthoughts. Im gonna Eat the food my mom will get me (I love my mom!) And then i will do school assignments even tohugh i dont wanna do them (Theyre forcing me to do PROGRAMMING!??!!??!?! Wtf.). and the world will kepe on turning and then tomorrow i will do it all agan. So thats it thanks for reading. I guess a very long one to make up for a ton of short ones heh. Have a good day good bye!!

Entry 28

(9/13/2022 8 pm) eouuughhhhhhh hi. Feel;ing a bit bleh today. Woke up at NOON. havent been able to set my alarm cause ive been sleeping on the couch. This situation sucks. ive gotten math & art studies done today. im about to eat. i dontwant to talk for long honeslty. So just a brief little update. To show i am still kickin. No covid symptoms.. i think. I feel a little worse than yesterday but i might be imagining things. My throat is maybe a bit too dry? Or it feels like it could become sore, or something? Bleghhhh. havent showered in a while. Feel like shit look like shit and smell like shit (Shit as in bad not shit as in feces). Still havent cleaned that thing. Cant do it today. Probably cant do it tomorrow. I hate it. I hate it!!!!! Im hungry. i gotta go eat something. This day is not fun. :( Well thanks for reading. Maybe ill be back later or not. I still have schoolwork to do. byeeee

Entry 27

(9/12/2022 1:30 pm) you know how i said id go eat and read now. well i LIED. i did school work instead. now im gonna go eat. i am Free of tasks for the day and it's not even 2 pm. Love this world. i do actually have to clean that thing later though. but im hungry so it can WAIT!!

Entry 26

(9/12/2022 12:30 pm) hellooo all! it is pretty dang early in the day and i have done both my math and art studies. im gonna eat in a few minutes and read and then ill do schoolwork at some point glad i got this stuff out of the way early though. i dont have anything immediately due schoolwork wise im gonna try and keep up the 2 assignments a day pace though becuase i dont want to fall behind or anything. yeah well thats about it having a good one so far thanks for reading sorry 4 the short blog & have a nice day

Entry 25

(9/11/2022 4:30 pm) hello fellows! i still dont have covid yet. ive held out this long so its starting to feel less like a foregone conclusion that ill get it and like theres a possibility i wont get it. still gonna err on the side of caution though. Not interested in permanent lung damage. woke up, did math, ate, read some fanfiction, took a dump, and then a curious thing happend.. i thoguht about reading fanfiction and i wanted to do it but i decided i would holf off on it until after i had accomplished all of my tasks.

this is a rare thing for me as my impulse control is quite frankly dogshit.. i dont say that to be self deprecating that sjust what the evidecne suggests. i will admit i am clinging onto the hope that i can strengthen my discipline and willpower so that doing things is easier in the future. this could be a sign that i am getting better at doing that or it could also be a random fluke. whatever it is im glad it happened. or i guess i shouldnt remove myself from the equation. i'm not glad it happened, i'm glad i did that. i played a role, i could've not done it, but i did.

oh also i did 3 assignments yesterday after my last post. i put them off for a while but not to the point of disaster, ended up being done with them by 12:30 am. just gonna do 2 assignments today because if i don't Have to do extra you're not gonna be able to make me!!! only one of them is urgently due though. i want to put it off and do something else but i think the realization i've had countless times but is only just starting to sink in for me is that even if i put it off i'm still gonna have to do it just later. no matter what i do i'm going to have to do it so there's no point in doing it later as opposed to now, and any impulse otherwise is just anxiety driving me to make impulse decisions.

still sucks though. this assignment looks like it'll be really annoying. it wants me to practice taking notes. come on! the whole reason i'm taking all asynchronous classes is so i won't have to try and jot down notes while someone talks at me. what a nightmare scenario. but the assignment cant be avoided, its not like i can pass on it just cause its annoying, so better to do it now than later :/... i hate being aware of this stuff. blindly procrastinating is so much more fun (lying it is miserable)

thanks all for reading :-) its nice to have somewhere to put this stuff. have a nice day wherever you are! despite all odds i am having a pretty ok (positive ok rather than negative ok) one myself.

Entry 24

(9/10/2022 6:30 pm) Hello specimens. several people in my family now have covid. im staying optimistic but NGL it doesnt look good for me there's definitely a chance i'll get it. the person i share a room with has it so i'll be sleeping on a couch tonight! and i have to get my schoolwork out of the way now because if i wait there's a chance i'll be too sick to do it later. hahaha this is awesome i hate it here. anyway i got my math and art studies done today (2 straight weeks of both math and updating my neocities website! woot woot!!) and im gonna have to do schoolwork and then im gonna hang out iwth a friend. no other plans for the moment. assuming i start on my homework at a reasonable time and my friend doesn't keep me awake forever i should get to bed at a reasonable time which is important because if i don't get enough sleep it'll make me more likely to get sick.

to be fair things are better than yesterday or probalby even the day before for me because i am proudof the work i did yesterday and feel capable now of actually handling my schoolwork. but also. the schoolwork sucks so bad. adn the covid. the covid sucks so bad. it sucks so bad you guys. pray for me. ok dont do that im not religious. well maybe god is real pray for me just in case. i still need to clean that thing but those fucking covid creatures keep lingering in the kitchen and i dont trust it to be sufficiently aired out enough for me to spend a lot of time in there (itd take like an hour or two to clean this thing). im gonna have to do it eventually and preferably i shouldnt be sick for it so. i dont fucking know. maybe ill clean it tomorrow? :(

i mean it sucks that this is happening but i prefer that its happening now as opposed to like a few days ago when i still needed to draw that thing and do that schoolwork and stuff cause i was truly swamped then. small blessings i guess? blehhhhh. well. nothing i can do about it. im just gonna get the school stuff done and chill cause thats all i can do at this point. thanks agian for sticking with me 2 weeks (how long ive been updating this website) :-). and have a nice day Even though i could be having a nicer one... (im exatggertting, situation sucks but im really in an OK mood. dont wory. i probably wont even die!)

Entry 23

(9/10/2022 1:30 am) hello their fellas its me compleicated. i did not start doing assigments until 11 pm i just got done doing them and i am bone tired and going to go to bed in a few minutes. i did 4 of them tonight cause that actually looked preferalbe to doing it another way. i have no idea what compelled me to put it off this long (Lying) (..Sort of). despite everything i feel proud that i managed to actually get it done today and optimistic aobut tomorrow and the future. Mostly i just want to sleep though. and maybe it was not wise to stay upso late with the coronavrisu going around. Well im sure itll be fine. Yipee for a good day thank you for reaidng and have a good night thats it this time real short i know but there was not much to say

Entry 22

(9/9/2022 4 pm) hiiii world its complicated here tired and with a slight headache! i think i mathed too hard and broke my brain or some shit. like i got a headache from doing it too hard or something. actually gave myself a headache via thinking i am an absolute legend. anyway i did my math and my art studies for today after putting it off for a while for reasons that both were and were not my fault and now i am psyching myself up to deal with the fact that i have to do 4 school assignments today because i havent done any all week. pray for me, or preferably kill me. i feel too tired now to do them but i really shouldnt put it off honestly! OHJ my god i jsut rmembered my schools ent me an email it loked important and i havent looked at it yet.ahaahhaaha ok ill do that after i finish updating this website let me just search for a way to stretch out the update so i dont hvae to do that right now

ahhh so uh. the queen right. awesome that the queen died yesterday. let me tell you after seeing my twitter and tumblr feeds flooded with celebration it was extrmeley jarring to click onto a discord server im in and see people genuinely mourninng her like the tonal whiplash was insane. people were genuinely arguing cause someoen made a joke about her death i was like holy shit??? like someone was genuionely upset. the other guy wasnt even necessaril;y joking about her deaht just joking that he would replace her as the ruling monarch in stead of prince charles. ok thats about all of the talking about current events i can stomach

i was gonna clean that thing today but SOMEBODY in my family got the CORONAVIRUS and was BREATHING MASKLESS in the kitchen where i was going to clean that thing so now im gonna not clean it today. i dont want to suck up the fumes man. couldnt you have gotten sick another day this was the only time i felt genuinely motivated to do it... Talk about an inconvenience! Ba dum tss. i am kidding im not really mad that the person is sick. kind of mad they were maskless in the kitchen though like come on you are suppost to quarantine dont prioritize your own convenience over the health of others tahts just common cents.

it is a little malicious how it feels like my soul has bene sucked throughmy body. i woke up pretty early today (9 am) (early for me) (didnt used to be.... Then my schedule got bad :(( ).. so i was like Yipeeee i can do tasks! and then Euguhhhh man i dont even wanna talk about it. UAUUHJGHHHHHH AUGHHHHHHHHH N NOOOOOOOo it was horribel. there was PEOPLE surrounding me. and i DONT LIEK DOING THINGS when there are PEOPLE standing over my shoulder and TALKING. i cant FOCUS and it feles like they are LOOKING AT ME. and the peple was here for like 2 HOURS.. by hte time they left i was so upset and couldnt stop biting things so i didnt get stuff done until like 4 hours after that. DONT LIKE people in my space!!!! GETOUTTT!!! :(

but anyway i need to do school and psosibly clean that thing if i could but becose i am aving a headache and feeling tired amybe under the weather in a sense NOT A coroanvirus one. but you know i am just not feeling my best at the moment so i want to take a break but i dont want to get sucked into doign something and turn it from physical discomfort avoidance -> fear based activity avoidance and i dont wanna get sucked into reading fanfiction again so im just kind of sitting here like what can i do. Cause yknow. Dont want to do anything mega strenuous. maybe ill ask my friend to watch anime again today? i watched anime with a friend yesteday and it was fun.. if i do it again today maybei cna have a bit of a relax but not so much that i am absorbed for like 10 hours. that sounds liek a good idea. and i get social time wich is good for a guy like mewho does not really remember to talk to people sometimes. yeah ok i tihnk i will do that and have a snack. Goodbye evryone day good so far hope your day good too have a good noe see you later maybe?

Entry 21

(9/8/2022 10:30 pm) haiii everyone i didnt update again yesterday so im updating naow. yesteday i took like 10 hours to start doing my contest art peice #fail but i did actually get it finished so maybe #win...? contest is closed now and no winners have been announced yet but will be later this week. i think i have a fair shot at winning but im not getting my hopes up. not getting them down either tho! uhh what have i actually done today... well not much until 10 pm. read some fanfiction, thought about my OCs, watched anime with a friend, mostly put off doing Tasks. like 30 minutes ago though i did do my math so theres a start.

i really need to get on doing schoolwork like really bad. and i NEED to clean that fucking thing tomorrow. i NEED to. if i dont do it tomorrow one of you needs to slap me silly. and i want to get to bed at a more reasonable time tonight because i really do think being sleepy and waking up late hampers my productivity cause im groggy for longer and when im groggy obviously the last thing i want to do is Fucking Math

SO.. here is a restatement of my goals. And my current progress in accomplishing them.

Goal 1: 30 Minutes of Math on Khanacademy every day

i do this pretty well actually. this is the one i make sure to do every time. as of today i've done it 12 days in a row which is neat. nearly 2 weeks! it's nice being reasonably sure i won't let myself down on this.

Goal 2: 30 Minutes of Art Studies every day

i do this also well, slightly worse than math cause its just lower priority i have to get out my tablet for it im not as used to doing it etc but ive done it 9 days in a row (gonna be 10 once i do it today) at this point which is good progress.

Goal 3: Update Neocities every day

i also do this well enouh so far! i mean i havent updated as much the past two days beacuse. Ugh. but im sticking with it it is probalby keeping me sane TBH. this makes day 12 in a row that ive updatdd it. And yes im counting updates made after 12 am, a day starts when i wake up and ends when i go to sleep.

Goal 4: Do my schoolwork

this one is vaguer and more ill defined. i tried to make it more specific (2 a day) but i think i intimidated myself out of doing it and i havent done anything WRT school for the past few days. i wanna break the pattern tonight so i dont have to scramble to do it but its just. like. man. i know ive talked about this before but its just, such a chore. AND i found out i start ANOTHER class on top of the one im ALREADY DOING in a few days. why did i choose to take accelerated classes by the way? Kill me.

Goal 5: Go to bed earlier

Haha. no.

Goal 6: Spend time wiser

Nebulous and vague. Also not really. I mean better than i have been in the past but honestly past few days i think im slippin. IM always slippin though sooooo... I dunno. Here's hoping it's one of those things that's gradual or trial and error or something.

Goal 7: Start streaming again

this one has definitely been vocalized less here but its fucking sssSTRESSING ME OUT!!! :( i feel bad that i ahvent done it in so long. BUT a thing is that i need to replace my mic and webcam before i stream again cause right now they both kind of suck. And to do that i need money whihc i dont have right now Not like in a Im poor way i have like parents to pay for it and stuff i just dont want to ask them too. The very idea is making me want to rip my skin off. Id rather pay for it on my own but i dont have a job so noooo pocket change! Yipeee!!! And on top of that i feel like if i come back to streaming after such a long break i should have something to show for it like an updated model or something but i just havent been working on it. I dunno. Its baaaaaad........ Sorry to my like 3 average viewers. Bizarre enough i have/had fans and bizarrer still that every few months i choose to completely ghost them and just stop usingmy channel for like half a year. I know they arnet reading htis but like sorry about that.


its stilld irty. Everyone is pointing it out to me now in my house that its dirty. Like shut up i know. I need to clean it. So bad. But its, its such an ordeal. Man, it ssuch an ordeal. Its all such an ordeal. This is time im technically capable of managing but i kind of refuse to i think. Like i always end up lookming at this shit at like 10 pm like AHHH THERES NO TIME TO DO ANYTHING!! but thats only cause i used the time i meant to spend doing stuff doing useless stuff. if i just spent my time better it wouldnt be aproblem for me.. but im not doing that.. i have to do that.. but iiiii dunno how. Uh. Well im just gonna make the most of today, clean that fucking thing tomorrrow, and then maybe the rest of that day will bear fruit. I dunno.

well thats all my goals. only the first 4 actually matter. i have more goals i wanna set after i truly make a habit out of doing the first 3 but thats for the future. for the record though, i think the habits id like to try developing after these ones (math, art studies, neocities) will likely relate to writing, streaming/youtube, and art. i mentioned before that i have a lot of goals.. and i want to achieve all of them. and truly i do plan on it. but there are some that are more improtant than others, some that influecne others, some that i have to prioritize, and thats probably those 3. hold on, allow me to explain...

i tihnk my largest goals like the stuff thats made me so excited for so long is the goal of like storyteling. like i always want to tell stories. i tihnk i have the art skills that could theoretically enable me to make like a webcomic or something (the discipline is another question) but my writing is um. Well i dont practice it. So its probably kind of dookie. for someone who attaches so much worth to creating stories its probably a bad thing that i dont actually practice my ability to write stories at all ever. And honestly outof all my dreams i dont think i could not tell stories. I think i would have to tell stories. If i had to prioritize, and lock down to just a few goals, which im extrmeely reticent to do, but ifi had to do that, then i would pick whatever ones enable me to tell the stories i want to tell, which is writing.

ive had some stories brewing in my head since i was a lass that i want to tell.. i dont think the world is ready to see them yet. in the meantime, id like to be polishing my ability to make stories, so that when i feel they are ready for the world to see, they are the best they can be... a persons first project is rarely their best one. so when my life is a bit more under control, id like to practice writing.

to explain the streaming thing... ok, so for one thing, im one of those fucking. Terminally online zoomers. ive been on the internet since i was FOUR i have been using websites like youtube for my entire LIFE i would narrate myself playing games cause i wanted to be a lets player wen i was like 7. basically instead of having normal person dreams a lifelong dream was/is to be a youtber. i have a lot of dreams i have a great passino for and yet this one is ranked above some others, and i think if i had to pick a dream to make my "career" it would be youtube. Why? What makes this one special? i think its the opportunities it potentially unlocks. it can sort of tie all of my interests together i think, or at least if i played my cards extremely right it could LOL. Im aware of the unlikelihood of success on there but istill want to try.

id give an example but every exmaple i have makes me sound like a massive nerd so im just going to say that anecdotally ive seen some people do some crazy awesome creative shit on youtube and branch out in ways that i think they probably wouldnt be able to do if they werent a youtuber or at least i think they wouldnt necssarily be able to garner an audience for. like the work is good enough to stand on its own but You Know How It Is Getting Noticed. im itching to put an example here but i would again be exposed as a nerd so source is just trust me i guess. and anyway the appeal there for meis that theyre able to unite their interests at one hub of personality for themslef because at least for some people on youtube the audience is there to see themr and what they make and not necessarily just 1 game they play.

i think most of this only applies if youre really big on youtube but like i dont know its hard to grow on there but i think if you do the rewards are too great for you to consider not playing the game at least if youre ambitious. and i am ambitious and yotuube seems like my best shot to be able to accomplish all of the things i wantto do so thats the shot i am going for. well... the shot i would be going for if i was more put together about all this. sorry again to my 3 average viewers.

lastly the goal of art... mostly this is just already the thing im best at. so i want to be the best at it... Duh! i know if i stopped getting better at art id be sad. i want to get better at art and do more art stuff and ive been doing art for a long time (like 10 years loool) so its kind of a part of me. i draw every day tehcnically even if i dont super consider it drawing. the sort of habit id like to develop in the future is one to make full art peices every day. its ambitious and IDK if ic ould do it but i want to make more art so i can have art that ive amde to be proud of. i already have some art i can be proud of but i make it too infrequently so i dont have as much as i could which makes me sad. so even thouh i technically draw every day (with both traditional doodles and digital studies of aimals or whatevr) i want to like Draw Draw every day i fi could. I think i could make strides if i pushed myself to draw more difficult stuff too. But who knows. its the type of tihng i wont be albe to do for a while

you might be thinkking if you cant do it for a while why bother tihnking about it? Which.. Is a very goodpoint. A point i would like to agree with. But my brain says No.You need to plan it. So. Im planning it even though i wont be able to do this stuff for potentially months to avoid overwhelming myself. i mean i wanna get back on streaming sooner than THAT, but the rest.. Yeah itl be a while. But i wante dto explain where is ee things going after my current routine becomes mundane and habitual. If it ever will.

Alright anyway now i gotta go do that art stdeis and schoolwrok i was putting off. Ill probably be in bed kind of late. But you know. Worth it. Well actually you knwo waht would be more worth it wouldbe if i started earlier so i didnt have to go to bed at like 2 am. But ahahaha No. So i do this instead. Alright have a good one everyone hope you emjoyed the ramble bye bye!

Entry 20

(9/7/2022 12 pm) helllooooo to the hounds i am having a good day thus far. did my math and my art studies. now i am doing my neocities update.. i am gonna eat in like 5 minutes so it wont be a long update.. i think. but once im done eating ill probably finish that contest art. that seems like a good and normal thing to do. i was thinking about my Youtube a little... more on that later. Or not if i decide not to talk about it. long andshortof it is that its been too long since i uploaded on it and too long since i streamed on twitch... at least, too long for someone who is trying to be a streamer, which i was. And still am. But since i havent done it in a long time it feels like im not.

Ahhhh so much to do. So much i could do. Such a big world. Lotsof things to do in it. Lots of things i want to do. Top 10 indecisive men (Me). This world is exciting. But its so much. Wanna do things more. But there sos many thing to do.. So i usually end up doing whatever things i was already doing. path of least resistance and all that.. but well i am hopeful that i will be able to change my way of doing things. .. Just maybe not today. LOL.

thats all to say right now. I probably will be back later.. or i wont! It's a surpise. Keep you on your toes. Anyway have a nice day! Im in a normal mood. And a bit of a good one. So heres hoping you will bein a bit of a good one too..BYE!

Entry 19

(9/7/2022 1 am) haiiii so im not emo anymore im normallll . did my math did my art studies did not do schoolwrok cause No and didnt work on my art piece for the contest which BTW it says it ends at the end of tomorrow but i dont know what timezone its in so i have no idea how much time i actually have for that but i should probably be able to get it in in time. but anyway yeah im like normal + fine and good after doing that LOL i mean my arm hurts from reading too much fanfiction like genuinely i dont know something aobut the posture my hand/arm assumes when im scrolling for a long time makes it hurt at the elbow or something dont ask me whats up with that cause i dont know so it was kind ofa bitch to do the art stuff but i got through it. Willpower my strrongest muscle.

i dont ahve anything else ot say really mostly i just wanna go to bed. have a lot of things to do tomorrow. hmmmm.. how urgent do i wanna make it sound. cause if im too lax about it then i just wont do it but if i make it too important in my head ill get scared and not do it. umm.. things i will do tomorrow. of MODERATE importance. finish that contest artwork.. do my usual tasks Obvi... do schoolwrok.. please god clean that fucking thing ive been putting off cleaning... and then i dunno ill probably have time to chillax. but i always estimate the amount of time i have wrongly so maybe i wont have time to chillax? we will see. for now i want to be a sleepy guy. sorry for emos earlier i get wallowy when i havent done anything in a day LOL but i suspect that pattern is already visible on this blog...

therea re other stuffi wanna do but its like uguhhhh its so hard to do sutff and like get around to it adn ughhhhha dn blehhh hand mewhahhhhhh blehhhh (Whining hours) And yeah. WEll. Thats all for tomorrow me. Today me is fucking sleepy and going to ahve a sleep and wake up at a reasonable time that doesnt suck ass. I woek up at 11 am today did you know that. It fucking sucks waking up at 11 am. And yet ill do it again as a consequence of Poor Decisions.. maybe even tomorrow i will because i want like 10 hours of sleep So i can be mr functional. anyway goodnight everyone have a nice day lovely day on neocities blowing a kiss to all of you may you accomplish all tasks and good night!

Entry 18

(9/6/2022 11 pm) AUUUUGUHHHHHH THE PAIN!!!!!! the pain. THE PAAIN!!!!! it is 11 pm and i have not done anything all day... thats a lie ive done things just not worthwhile things. so ok i will explain myself. yesterday was pretty good on the whole i got my math and art studies done pretty early in the day like before 4 pm IIRC.. then i worked on art for that contest for 4 hours straight. i was like very focused on it. i shouldve stopped sooner casue by the time i stopped i was Very hungry. i think i waited too long to eat or something because after i ate i just felt sort of sick for like several hours after. 0/10 not recommended in the slightest.

i think i sort of wanted to do schoolwork but because i was feeling sicky and i had already done a lot that day i let myslef off the hook. the sick feeling made it so i didnt really Want to do anything so i defaulted to the most like.. i guess passive task that doesnt require me to strain myself at all but is pretty entertaining. so a little context required for this bit: i am an avid fanfiction reader. i think its fun and i like it but honeslty its kind of my worst habit because i am Very much a binge reader and once i start i kind of just dont stop? i tihkn i started reading like 9 pm and i kept reading until liek 4 am. i dunno its just like all consuming.

so anyway i went to bed 4 am like Ok.. cant do that again. Gotta be good tomorrow. And not suck at life. and then i woke up today and chose violecne. And by violenece i mean i chose to read fanfiction for 7 hours straight. i think whenever i get like this it usually gets toa point where i dont even really want to keep reading i jsut dont want to do aything else. Like ok. for a good chunk of it iw as like Yeaaah this isa wesome. I will just do a bit more of this and then stop. and then i started to get sick of it but i think you know i have a lot to do and a lot that im putting off so i was sort of aware that if i stopped doing this then i would have to Do Things. and id already been reading for several hours at that point so i was like Hmm dont wanna do this. but i already have less time to Do Things than i wouldve if i had stopped raeding earlier.. and i dont wanna deal with that... so LETS GO SUNK COST FALLACY YIPEE!!!

im not even that upset like that i read a lot of fanfiction. if i had been enjoying myself and got carried away that wouldve been one thing but at one point it definitely turned from entertaining-fun-relaxing to just straight up like avoidant and energy draining and kind of tinged with anxiety and feeling strangely like i couldnt stop? which is stupid. this is like the stupidest problem to have ever. but i just felt like Stuck. sort of feel stuck right now actually! Feel a bit hopeless. No good. but ive jsut reached a week on my streak for some of my habits.. and i dont want to break them now. cause thatd suck. like what i cant even maintain a streak for more than a week because i got lost in the fanfic sauce... come on i know i can do better than that. okay well, i dont actually know that, but im going to make myself know that. or something along those lines. i dunno something motivational sounding. BLEHHH

i dontw anananaaaaaaa :( im gonna be tired and its gonna SUCK. Suck bad!!!! i already feel like it suck bad!!!!! I feel like shit right now!!! Im probably gona fall half asleep doing math problems this fucking blows!! Why the hell did i do that in the first place!!! and worst part is this is not new! i have done this before. i have done this so many times before. this is a pattern of behavior i am 110% aware of. but this time as well as every other time i managed to convince myself i would just like willpower myself away from it? like Oh yeah i know i have a pattern of reading fanfiction obsessively and avoidantly possibly as a coping mechanism. But this time im ACTUALLY doing it for fun and ill stop when its time to do things i swear. like ?! that makes so much sense wow... this 1 time is definitely different from all of the other times... you silly bitch! what is this!!!

actually i feel fine right now. like totally normal the completely normal man. #moodswings? #moodswings? #moodswings? likr i feel fine now i fele so noraml. crazy i was acting like that. ^ That was not even real. ?????????? Im having a weird day everyone. Im in a strange mood. this has actually hapepend a few other times where sometimes mymeotions just go weirdy i dont know to what degree this si normal. like i dont know what it would be if it wasnt normal but its not like anyone talsk about this?? Like ok.

the other day right. Like before i started this blog the other day to clarify not literally the other day. i was having one of my strange religious guilt spirals (Classic of me) and was quite frankly acting insane. i was writing about it in my diary that isnt public as opposed to this one which is public and then like halfway throguh writiing it i realized it wasnt genuine anymore and i was like huh what thef uck? was the whole thing i was just being a weirdo for giggles? but no... up until a certain point i had been sincerely speaking my feelings.. i mean i was aware they were ridiculous because i am never not aware. but aside from that i was putting the words down.. and then it was like a switch flicked nad suddenly i was like what am i even doing? what is this? i literally feel completely normal?

it kind of sucks honestly its like emotions are kind of weirdy for me so when im having one strongly i ge ta little excited like Omg its happening. Im like crying omg omg omg. Hold on i need to keep crying whats something sad. or like when im having a real mentally ill moment. im like Wait i gotta look at it before it goes away!!! but sometiems that momentary detachemnet from and consequent observation of the emotion is what maks it go away in the first place like ill be tearing up and then ill be like Holy shit im tearing up and then im not anymore and im like :/ i watned to see where that was going man.

i typed some more stuff buuut i deleted it. i was kind of floundering cause i wanted to put my experience into words but i dont know how and it was making me sound likea dickweed. and also its not really related to the blog enough to justify puting it here like i can justify making the masses read my rambling WRT self improvement but i cant justify making the masses read my deranged mentally ill rambling about my own thought processes like on top of being entirely incoherent and also waaay too vulnerable its just not like the point of the website.

anyway id say more but i dont think i ahve anything releavnt to say right ow honestly and im gonna just do math to get it over with. Cya in like 2 hours probably i dunno! have a good one! Im not! But maybe i will be!!!! #Recovery #Recoveryisntlinear #Therapy #

Entry 17

(9/5/2022 12:40 pm) hai everyone!! not much to say this morn i just had a bagel. havent done tasks yet i woek up pretty late. had a evil dream and the hounds were attakcing (in the dream). but thats all that on that. anyway LOOKIE I GOT A STATUS CAFE!!!! im gonna try and embed it into my website i dunno really how thoguh so itll proabbly look jank as fuck if it even works. might be a lot of site updates while i try to get it to work so please be patient with me :D but if it does work it should be down below ...? aside from that thats all. when im done with this i will probably go do tasks (like in amongus).

Entry 16

(9/5/2022 1:30 am) all tasks accomplished. wel expect for 1 but ill get to that later. i did my assignment i did my math i did my art studies (but tbf i half assed the shit out of the art studies and sort of half assed the math. i tihnk my brain is jsut dead due to a combination of the prolonged stress + work and also because of the ungodly hour i decided to do this at. why am i like this...?). but the important thing is its done.. until tomorrow HA!!!

ittssss itll be fine. tomorrow me i dont think i have anything horribly evil and stressful so ill probably have a pretty good day and be normal about the whole thing. right now the only thing i feel is tired. not like physically like yeah physically a little i am sleepy but also not emotionally i think just liek mentally. like emotionally im fine i feel completely normal and liek nothing. mooostly i just want to be done with it.. and now i am! theres only 1 more thing i have to do before going to bed which ive been putting off for. uh. 4 days. BUT its fine. long story short my friend asked me to do something for them but Uh they gave kind of unclear instructions but i kind of said id do it like 4 days ago and then i didnnttttt. they already called me on it this morning and i just didnt respond LOL but i gotta do it now so i dont have to be like Sorry i took a week to do that thing you asked me instead of Sorry i took 4 days.

currently most meh man imaginable. Mildly relieved i didnt break any of my streaks. but yeahhi shoudl. go do that thing now. umm and then after that ill go to bed. so cya everyone! have a good night.

Entry 15

(9/4/2022 11 pm) ITS DONE IT IS DONE IT IS FINALLY FUCKING DONE AND WITH AN HOUR TO SPARE!!!! CAN I GET A WOO YEAH?!?!?!! I still have to do math and art studies. But lets celebrate. My assignment finally fucking done. I dont even think it was supposed to be hard. They told me this was an easy class. If this is easy i dont want to see what a hard class is like. Not fond of College. And after this there will be mor eassignments... Omg you can see my excitement dying in real time sorry folks. Well whatever. Even if i am not free of school as a whole I am free of this particular thorn in my side and I can move onto things that will actually benefit me to do.

thats basically it. thats all i logged on to say thats it. Just sharing a win. I will proably be doing math adn draw and stuff nwo... I might want to kick backa nd relax first though. BEcause damn. We might even get that 3 update day after all if i update after doing that, meaning i did not lie yesterday after all. Til then? Not much to say. Guess thats it for now. have a good one!

Entry 14

(9/4/2022 8 pm) hai.... so i sort of lied. like not on purpose i just said things and then didnt follow through with them retroactively making them into lies. havent Done anythign today yet... was mostly goofing off while simultaneously ina state of panic. i did start doing schoolwork like an hour ago though. still working on it. ive got 4 hours left so .. Ill make them count i guess? felt pretty awful. feel more normal now that ive started on things adn they seem a bit more manageable. dont really feel Good though just not Actively Terrible. i try to do math and art studies before schoolwrok + other things but with the current state of things they'll have to wait until i've done my assignment. i don't have plans to abandon them though. if i have to do them at 1 am well then i guess i just have to do that.

only reason i am really typing this right now is cause im eating and i dislike doing work while im eating.. if it were up to me you wouldnt be hearing a peep until i got things done!! well, it is up to me actually. feel restless. i just want to Live Life. procrastination is making me unhappy, so ive got to stop doing it. thats why. i already procrastinated most of today tohugh and not much i can do about that. tonight my big focus is getting my assignment done and then a different thing done (personal cant share) and then getting the math and art done and then tomorrow i can not have to worry anymore. mostly i am just waiting to be able to escape from today LOL

anyway thats about it. thnaks as always for reading. Kiiind of a mess right now but strange enough i feel more confident than is usual for me in my ability to pull through. you'll hear from me again tonight, or maybe tomorrow, and until then i'll be fine.

Entry 13

(9/3/2022 11:30 pm) hello everyyonnee. so i got my math + art studies done very early in the day which was good. like i think before 1 pm even it was swag. i did however put off doing my assingment for the entire day. i just gave up running away from it, went to work on it, wrote a line of it, wrote a paragraph of it, deleted paragraph, and now i want to go to bed. im not even sleepy i just want to escape from having to do this thing this is evil. i am disappointed in myself but not enough for me to reconsider putting this off for tomorrow LOL. i mean i think im being a little uncharitable here if im being real the reason is more along the lines of i dont really think i do my best work at 11 pm and in fact i typically dont do any work at all at 11 pm and would like to keep it that way but i think its funny to assume im doing tinhgs for evil reasons instaed of normal ones.

it really does suck cause the fact that i got the other 2 things done so early in the day are genuine accomplishments for me like i honestly want to celebrate that but the entire thing is just so soured by the fact that i bungled this one thing. and like i did work on it a little and i should maybe celebrate that but why did it take me like 12 hours for me to work on it a little that is down right silly of me. worst of all its due end of tomorrow so ive actually put myself into the most stressful corner i probably couldve and i still cant guarantee ill do it at a reasonable time. i dont wanna half ass it i want it to be good! which i guess is probably why im not doing it. whateverr

this rubric for this assignment is unclear, did you know that? its stupid unclear. i swear it contradicts itself. id ask about it for clarification but i dont actually know where to ask my teacher about this. but anyway, the rubric is unclear, apparently i only get full marks if i "exceed expectations" for originality, and the wording for the questions is unclear. i am going to die. i did not get clear and exact instructions 10 dead 10000 injured Please just let me know what the fuck to do...

not gonna lie im pretty sure the rootof it is anxiety. like i already knew this its duh like ive known for a long while that the root of procrastination at least most of the time and at least for me is fear blah blah blah but its becoming really clear right now. cause doing the stuff that has a defined start and end point that im not getting a grade on is sooo much easier than doing assignments. espeically cause i actually know what im suppost to be doing when i do math or art stuff... like bleh...

like i think oftentimes nowadays when i put off doing math its not usually anxiety around the math itself. like sometimes it is when i know i just finished a section so im about to encounter a new hard concept and its gonna be ass to struggle through but usually its more the fact that once i do math im gonna have to do the other stuff like art stuff and school stuff too and its gonna be a whole ordeal and its like a minimum 2 hour time commitment instead of 30 minutes because thats what my brain is like

but anyway sometimes that shit is hard as a block cause im just like i Do Not Wanna Do That. Overhwelm so i just fuck off and do nothing for hours instead cause its less scary but usually im able to power through it cause im like ykwhat actually math and art studies doesnt bite. i mean art studies is a little scary on its own because im starting to realize im kind of scared of the idea that i wont get better at art which paradoxically makes me want to stop drawing which is the very thing that actually ensures i dont get better at art.. life is complicated. and my fear is LYING to me. But its hwatecvr. i poewr through.

the tihng that happens with math is that usually ill avoid thinking about math at al because when i do i know ill have to get off my ass and do it so i sort of avoid thinking about it but when i Decide to do math i do actually do math you know? like i genuinely get it done when i choose to. same with art studies. like ill put off starting it but once ive started it ill sit with it until the end. but with assignments its just, such a different beast. because its not actually too hard to convince myself Ok time to go do schoolwork now its just that when i open the assignment i just kind of stare blankly at it, and then keep finding excuses to do literally anything else.

i think the scariest part of math and art studies for me the part that causes me to procrastinate is probably the time commitment, or something. the tasks themselves are really not that bad. but i think the scary part of school is not the time commitment, though that factors into it, because i wasnt really afriad of doing this assignment until i realized it wasnt something i could finish in a day, but anyway, its not the time commitment, its the task itself? which sucks. i dunno if im being coherent, im genuinely very unable to tell whenever im coming off well to people, or if they understand what im saying, even though i use a lot of words to try and make it clearer. this has always been a problem for me. i tend to use more words online because even though i want to explain myself better irl i cant find the right words and then people misundeerstand me and i get frustrated and give up trying to explain it cause they wont get itany way i say it. umm tangent. but anyway evne though its pretty clear in my head its hard to articulate but there is a clear difference that im only just becoming aware of here between these tasks and basically if i want to continue being a successful student i have to find a way around this.

so lets find a way around this i guess... i might have to resort to using the pomodoro method, unfortunately. i know i said it was the task itself that scared me and not the time commitment, but lets be honest, its also kind of the time commitment. i think math and art studies come easier because even though i know ill be doing them for 30 minutes i also know ill be doing them for ONLY 30 minutes, whereas when i sit down to do schoolwork i cant tell if im gonna be there for 10 minutes or for 4 hours, which makes me want to run away like full speed forever.

if i break it up into (Eugh therapyspeak) "Manageable chunks" then its possible my brain mgiht agree to do it. or maybe it wont. Maybe itll just get the ball rolling? I dunno. Ill try anything man. Except not actually, there is actually av ery small pool of things im willing to try here, and that list of things im willing to try does not include just fucking doing the assignment. Go figure.

ill have to try and blast the fuck out of distractions tomorrow. i think something that helps me with productivty and i think the reaosn i think this blog helps is beacuse it makes me declare my intentions for the day and very publicly too. likr i dunno for some raeosn saying Ok im gonna go do math now on here makes me actually wnat to do it more than i would if i didnt say it. And i didnt think "accountability" stuff worked for me! cause i think a lot of the time for me at least it can just be a big shamefest. but theres something about declaring your intention that at least in certain circumstances makes me more likely to follow through. IDK, if it was a sibling or friend, i really dont think it would work, but the fact im screaming into the void makes the whole 'accountaiblity' system more tolerable for me. So theres something.

but anyway, where i was going with that.. so far ive observed a few things. one is that the start of my day is pretty important to its progression. when i start off the day doing something non productive, ill tend to continue down that path.. but sometimes forcing yourself to do something "productive" first thing in the morning is just plain miserable, and not even in a "i want to procrastinate" way, like its just not fun and i dont like it, evne when its debatably whats best for me. i think the best way to start my day is maybe by updating this blog or by doing lioke math or something first and then updatingit.. because, this blog is something relaxing and fun, and i liek to update it. in this way, its a leisure activity, something with equal or more value to something non productive. however, it has productive value in that it puts me on the right trakc for the rest of the day, reminds me of what i want to do, is something to cross of a list... you know how it is. its basically just like the best of both worlds. i like it, you know.

i might be being a real weirdo rn? like it sounds so dumb when i talk about it. i dont know if the start of the day is as important for other people. for me it just feels like when i start it with something leisurely i just get sort of like, "stuck" in leisure more, for sometimes up to several hours. but again sometimes ur not ready to jump straight into the action... so a good midway point is Blog. but anway. i have a guess that something similar could happen when i go to do schoolwork. if i do my math and my art studies and then i update the blog before doing my schoolwork, im theorizing that it might put me on a better track to actually doing my schoolwork than not doing that would. i dont have proof for this, but im willing to try it.

so, tomorrow... expect THREE updates. that's right guys. THREE. I'm crazy i know. off the walls. BONKERS even! one update wil be before doing any tasks, im assuming.. actually i might end up doing math or math nd art studies before my first update, which would make it oly two updates. honeslty just depensds how im feeling tomorrow. but assuming im normal one update will be before all tasks. one update will be before school but after math+art and one update will be after all tasks are finished.... thats how id like tomrorow to go. and who knows maybe if it works out for me it will be like that every day. i think neocities doenst wanna show it if i update my site too much but i dont care!!! someone will read it. i see taht veiwer count ticking up. it may be slow but it is there. if you are reading this i am saying "hello" and "thank you for listeing to my thoughts". i have a lot of things to talk about and i dont want to subject my friends to them so instead i will subject the general public!! and they are reading it for some reason!!! thank you!!!

guys i am going to do it. i am going to learn html. not today though. and also not tomorrow. i will learn html ... someday. i actually did try to learn a litle today. um.. for a given value of try and learn. i opened a tutorial, realized i was procrastinating on my schoolwork, closed it, and then opened something else to procrastinate with that instead iwth 0 self awareness. actualylm thats a lie! i was fully self aware of all actions. it wa like i was trapped within myself, unable to control my own body as it did literally everything except the one thing i catually need to do. truly horrifying. but well thats life!!

well whatever. tomorrow im gonna break the persistent cycle of what could plausibly be considered executive dysfunction but im not a doctor and i dont wanna ask my therapist about it i dont know when my next appointment is and im gonna break it by pure willpoewr. i know i tried to keep myself from distractions today (fora given value of try If you know what i mean!!!! XD!!!) and that didnt work but im sure if i want to do it enough as if i didnt want to do it today that will make me do it tomorrow and this will totaly wrok. ok sorry for ther bout of pessimistic sarcasm i know it is annoying i jsut ened it out of my system. for the record i do genuinely think ill get it done tomorrow i mean i have to thats the day its due but i tihnk its gonna be a struggle and i really want to avoid this situation in the future but its a problem ive encounered before which just makes me sad that im still deal with it.

thanks again for listening.. recap. tomrorow plan i update blog 2-3 times. and i do the school work thing.. ugh im becoming beast just tihkning about it. why is life so hard and icky and everytihng is bad all of the time. world covered in a thick layer of slime and everytihng is wants to hurt me. EVIL WORLD!!! dude im being like a real drama wueen about this. i dont even wanna say what im thinking its too embarassing. like "oh my god a school asisngment is hard once life is no longer worth living" embarrassing. Dude it is literally a school assignment you will be ok calm down. Gmghhkhkgk but BAD WORLD. AUFUHGHHHHH. And im gonna have to do it :( And i cant not do it :( This is so stupidlame bad. I cant evn get out of doing it. Bad owrld! Oh my god i was trying to recap right. I forgot. I was gonna try and end on a happy note i think i just did the oppostie of that though. Well thanks for reading im gonna be okay i think i just underestimated how overwhelmed id get by relatively easy school assignments. Its past midnight now so im gonna go do the wordle and then im gonna go sleep and wake up and then do things and then sleep and then wake up and do things. #TheGrind haahahaha.

Entry 12

(9/3/2022 10:30 am) hiii iguys i am soooo tired. i did not get a full eight hours of sleep last night nor did i really try to! listen. i know sleep is imporatnt. but im not gonna wake up at fucking 11 am that sucks so bad. waking up at 11 am is like the worst feeling. and dont get me started at waking up at noon. One time iwoke up at 4 pm years ago it was pretty evilworld. i dont feel up to DOing Tasks yet but like wat else am i gonna do i nthe mean time... Hmm..

maybe i will just do tasks i dunno. anyway whats on the agenda for today... umm do tasks obviously. gotta finish that assignment it is due tomorrow. if i have time i want to enter that art contest ... and maybe learn a bit of html. BEcause its getitng sad how barebones this is. i mean im probably not going to make it very pretty because this isnt a site for my aesthetic interests (i have a separate one for things like that) its a site for My Blog and i dont want to take away from that. but i would like to attach an about so that if you go to the website for the first time you're not like well what is even going on here.. that sounds reasonable to me.

well that all sounds good. Thats probably all i have to say for now i think. bye all!!

Entry 11

(9/3/2022 2 am) HI Everypony guess who is so so sleepy. i put off doing tasks until like 9 pm but i was like i wont go to sleep until i do them so i did do the math and art stuff didnt make progress on schoolwork but thats like pssshaw whatever problem for tomorrows complciated i guess. you know i think that the way my day goes often hinges pretty heavily on the way itstarts which is lame ashell. but anyway reminder to me self to gve tomorrow a good start and not a shit one that is bad.... Duh. i would talk more but i am sleepy and just want to go to bed basicaly so goodnight all here's hoping tomorrow bears the fruit of Doing Tasks and have a good one

Entry 10

(9/1/2022 10 pm) GUESS WHO IS SHOWERED ?! This guy. anyway today ive gotten done my math, my art studies, updated this website (duhh) and done 1 school assignment. where is the other one you ask...? i started it. and then it was taking too long. so i finish it tomorrow. i still count it as a win, the next assignment i have to do after this one i wont even be able to access until the 5th i think so its like whatevr. i gotta get it done in the next 3 days though but i have faith in my ability to do that .. the rubric is vague and unhelpful. im doing a slids presentation and i have faith i can make it look awsome (Graphic design IS my passion) but the written portion will be Rough.

i might just be imagining things but i think when im not typing like a weirdo my typing can be kind of stiff and formal. i dont raelly know why. i flip flop between the two pretty randomly And just let it happen. but anyway i just am gonna hve to put extra care in making sure im not wording things evil style and that the teacher will like it.. And that the Classmates will (its. Gags. Peer reviewed). remind me to add Writing Practice to my list of Tasks someday.. (extremely bold thing to say for someone who has been successfully managing tasks for less than 3 days)

tomorrow i will do the rest of that assignment aand also my tasks.. probably. i mean i cant guarantee anything but i am on a good streak so lets hope it. maybe i also go to bed earlier tonight...? meows? meows at you? we will see. i started typing this at 9 pm and took a 2 hour break because i was in post shower silly mode. anything else for me to say...? uhhh. hm. well i am feeling inspired and excited about the future. the power of crossing off items on a to-do list has made me normal or whatever.

honestly i was expecting this blog to be way more depressing than it has been so far. like i might be early on this cause its only been 5 days butlike i was expecting fail city. and instead its been normal person town. makes me feel like i was exaggerating about how #fail i was doing but i really expected every update was gonna be like Hi everyone today i experienced hellworld and i want to die. And that hsa not been so.. could be due to hormonal stuff. could be im just on agood streak. could be that keeping a blog is helping me stay onm track.. maybe combo fo these factors? i dunno. But i am happy for it. So it doesnt really matter.

i tihnk the mood for today and like yesterday too would probably best be summed up as Surprised and even mildly concerned at how well im doing. not that i havent done this well before but just the creation of this blog was preceded by quite a bit of bad stuff so i guess i kind of forgot i could be a human being or whatver. BUT i can! and it is nice! i think as time goes on and i just become. Acclimated to doing things. itll become mundane and just like normal for me to be doing a lot of things rather than earthshaking and super exciting. which is happening a bit already i think. i think usually around a month after i am having a habit i get a bit like Well why am i even doing this. cause its not rewarding anymore. but at the same time when you contrast even like This is kinda mundane with the Hellworld that is my life when im out of order theres no way i can say to myself its not worth it. i just need to make sure i dont forget that.

i think at this point im going in circles and repeating myself, wihch i do fairly often, buit its usually less embarrassing cause its not in public. sorry guys, just pretend i am having new + insightful things to say, ok?

oh, hang on.. i acutally do have something insightful to say. its not a new thing im actually regurgitating it from something fairly popular but its something i was tihnnking about today maybe you can be thinking about it also. basically itsa quote from the book atomic habits (book about building small habits and incrementally improving yourself etc)... id like to say. i did not fucking finish the book. i just forogt to keep readin git. i didnt really care to apply the advice anyway for reasons i dont care to articulate. but anyway the quote is "you dont rise to the level of your goals you fall to the level of your systems".. systems being like your habits routines etc.

it spoke to me as a guy who has very high goals but very shitty systems.. really rsonated. you can Goal all you want but if you are not making steady progress to achieve it then Whatare you evne doing.. You silly! Haha! anyway. i just think its like a good nugge.t of wisdom or somettihng. I liked it anyway.. Whatever htat counts for.. IF YOU EVNE CARE... Tch. Spits on you

i know ive been speaking pretty vaguely about these goals of mine and that is because they are so big they embarrass me. straght up humiliated. Ugh... i cant keep talking about them vaguely though That is cowardly. Plus i dont evenhave anything to lose. Like hwat is this. i made a website completely disconnected from my other online identities precisely for the purpose of talking about things i wouldnt otherwise and im not talking about this cause im worrid about getting embarrased. Thats so stupid.

well to sum it all up i basically would like to be a jack of all trades.. i have a lot of love inmy heart for many different things. realistically im probably only gonna be able to do art things cause art things are what ive always done.. but notgonnalie the thought of confining myself to only art things makes me kind of sad even if i love art with allof my heart. i need to do as much as possible or i will be sad that i didnt.. pretty sure this is true about myself.

i would like to make a lot of things.. i want to make more art (DUH!) i want to make stories (in different mediums cause thrre are so many cool ways to tell story..) i want to make videos (afforementioned youtube channel) i want to make music i basically want to do everything. other people have discouraged me from this for its unlikelihood and like yeah it probably wont be able to happen but at the same time just because you dont see other people doing it doesnt necessarily mean its impossible. like ok i dont typically see people who are good at both art and music and not gonna lie im not sure why and it kind of scares me because i do want to try and learn musicy things but im scared theres like a law out there that makes your music dogshit forever if youve been doing art for too long because of this which makes no sense but why else do i never see someone who is both a visual artist and a musician huh? what happened there huh? what are youhiding?

if i had to guess id have to say its cause its easier to learn stuff the sooner you start learning it .. duh.. like istarted doing digital art when i was like 6 so obviously i have a headstart on someone who would start doing it at my age and obviously they have a headstart on someone whod start doing it later than them.. but in the grand scheme of things im really not that old right now and its not like theres a law out there that says you can only learn things at a young age i really think the reason more adults dont learn art is just because it's shameful and humiliating and upsetting when you make ugly art which everyone will do when they start doing art and if youre a baby you just dont care as much so obviously babies are gonna start doing art more than adults are.. just makes sense. so if i want to accomplish my dreams i just have to not get discouraged.. but easier said that done. cause even if i know i am improving im still gonna be like Well what if i am just someoen who is bad at ___ forever. Which is dumb stupidlike i dont even believe that for other peoplew hy would i believe that for myself. See its dumb stupid.

maybe its cause itsnot that possible or because its unlikely to achieve these things or maybe its because everyone just assumes it is so they dont try meaning trying would put me above someone who doesnt try by default. who knows!! like see my train of thought is. if theres a finite amount of time you can dedicate to improving at one thing in a day. like lets say if i study art for 30 minutes that would be the same as me studying it for an hour. im rpetty sure this is true btw like that doign something consistently over multiple days is more important than doing the shit out of it over 1 day but i digress. so what do i do with the other 90% of my day right. whos to say i cant dedicate the exact same amount of time to something else? why is that unfeasible? i just dont get it? like obv thats not how it would really figure out, but even if im just dedicating a similar amount of time to it rahter than the exact same, i dont understand why i would HAVE to pick one to do forever.. or maybe i am talking stupid talk? mehh i wish someone who knew everything would tell me whats going on. feels like there is a stuff people knopw but im not in onit.

the thigng that keeps me going in believing these things the most is to look above at people who have achived really cool things like different cool things.. like maybe you are tired of hearing about him by now IDK i think he kind of got happened to him that thing wherelike something becomes a trend and everyones all over it for a sec and then because its so populr people start hating on it and you feel self conscious when talking about it even fi you liked it before the trend because it loks like your being cringe or whatever wihhc is so stupid cause your not even doing anything wrong like why sohuld the things we like have a time limit on them just cause other people started liking them it make no sense ihate. waht was i saying. OH yeah nail cicierega i think that guys so cool. hes done a shit ton of stuff he inspires me so bad its awesome. like he did a music and also a videos and a bunch of cool stuff and so cool stuff.. wish i coulddo cool stuff also.

and but the thing is im just a guy. not inheretly better or worse thanother people at things.. even if we believe that natural talent is a thing it doesnt take you that far adn even if it did take you that far you wouldnt know how far itd be able to take youy if you didnt try dooing the thing furst. so if other peopel can do cool stuff then i can too cause they did it and i do cool stuff than otherpeople can too cause its not like im just the coolest person ever by birht orsomething.. were all just guys.i n a room. big room of a planet. (acting profound while saying extremely innocous and well known things :( why i liek this. my wisdoms.. No..)

i think THATS why what i was fgoing on about before withw hen i found neocities and discovered how like creative coding could be. cose in my mind i had split like logical things and creative things like you have to be a Logic guy to do codings and if you do art stuff then well youre just not a logic guy sorry but you just arent. just go do art stuff. but then i found this and all of these websites are like beautiful works of art and passion so much joy.. so many truly beautiful creative souls making whats in their heart using coding + logic stuff. and so how can you say that these two peopel a creativeand a logical one just cant do the same thing... your making up stupid restrictions that dont exist! and creating reasons to keep yourself unhappy! of course there are poeple who genuinely cant comprehend "logical" stuff as well and wont be able to such as some people with intellectual disabilites or like dyscalculia and i dont intend to discredit the fact they are genuinely disabled! but for the average person you are just making up imaginary dichotomies and boxes to put yourslef in for noooooooo reason. and i dislike it so much. but the poison is inmy brain and it huants me even when i think its so stupid that it does. so even if i think that evne though its statistically unlikely that at least some of my dreams are technically achievable i still feel squirmy and icky when talking about them cause it fels like i am thinking something im not supposed to EVEN if i am right. thatsssosooooo stupid. Like die. tats the brain poison speaking.

many different types of brain poison i am infected with where i know logically that i believe a certain thing but i still wont be able to shake feelings of the opposite thing. like cringe culture is so stupid (duh) its a poison designed to destroy our ability to genuinely care about things but boy i am letting my ability to genuinely care about get destroyed.. doesnt matter how much i say its stupid till i am blue in the face that doesnt matter when i will still get embarrassed talking about something i liek more than is "normal" even though people are pretty chill about it now. just cause i was growing up in an era where mockery and harassment was so noramlized and the poeple around me IRL even echoed it. thats the sort of thing i mean when i say brain poison...

i thinkmaybe talking about this stuff publicly like on a blog rather than privately kinda helps. cause i feel like even if part of me stillbelieves the brain poison that i have a sort of responisbility not to spread it to other people even if its only 100 people whove seen my website (thats not a small number but you know in the grand shceme of things duhgh). so ill justify against it which i wouldnt be so inclined to do in liek, my diary or osmetihng, cause who would see that.. only time i will censor myself inmy diary is if i get scared someone else will read it becuase even then i feel like some ideas are too harmful to spread even by accident.

but i think speaking against it sort of helps dislodge it or i like to think it does at least.. i mean i think of myself as forver infected with the brain poison but im coming to neocities and speaking openly about the things i am dreaming of achieving evne though i get embarrassed about it so maybe the brain poison is not in me as much as i think or i am dislodging it or sometihng. taht would be good. this blog isnt for purely productivity anyway, its general self-improvement, so im willing to discuss such things here, just as a reminder..

well thats that. i dont think i said anything particularly revolutionary but sometimes it can help even to see things you already know affirmed. like i saw a person who had these sparkledog ocs it was so awesome and they were very outspoken against "cringe culture"y stuff and just seeing how openly they loved the things they loved was inpsiring to me. like waht a gem ofa person. those rainbow colored furries. so awesoe. need that to be me one day. thats part of why im dong this on neocities and not liek fucking tiktok or something i hate tiktok why are they all so mean over there. they are just so mean and making fun of people i dont lik them... whereas on neocities they are not mean and making fun of people and i liek it so much...

thats all i had to say thanks everyone for reading. i dont know if anyoen got anything out of that i hope it was at least interestring. sorry the typing deteriorating i am capable of taking like a normal person i just like dont care to type normal right now. just one of them moods you know.. it flucturates. Not a word. That was not a word. Fuck. its fluctuates. im sleepy or something i dunno. Could be the shower. Shower relaxes me. anyway thats it heres hoping for a lovely tomorrow i hope everyone reading this has a good day like the niciest ever i hope you are cured of all brian poisons forever and love thje world and goodbye and goodnight and goodbye :D

Entry 9

(9/1/2022 11 am) I have a surprise for you... You're never gonna believe it. i got my math done very early today! i woke up 10 am cause i went to bed at 1 am.. so early for me i know. i was actually ona shcedule of going to bed around 10 pm for a while but ummmmmmmmmm yeah that did not last. i do actually vastly prefer waking up early though if i wake up past like 9am i feel kind of like shit. but it so hard to kick staying up late... Mehh i will figure it out. ANYAWY i woke up at 10 am and started doing it 10:30 now it 11 am and i have it done.. So thats yipee! heres hoping the rest of the day follows this trend.

im not silly enough to think this will last forever (pattern of doing things early) cause i have been silly enough to think that before and then had it not last. but i will be fighting to cling onto this trend for as long as is feasible for me.. so well have to hope thats good enough. im probably gonna start doing my art stuff 11:30 and just be typing on here till then. i usually eat at 12 pm so that would be convenient for me. problem is i dont think i have much to say really.. still stinky. will shower later. Gotta. when i do my assignments today i wont have any more that are urgently due. which is swag.

I might be starting to kind of like math? Im not sure, its hard to tell. i hated math for along time but i think thats mostly cause i was very behind at it and it felt emblematic of everything in my life which i was also behind in. i was homeschooled for a good long while but my parents left it up to me to teahc myself and you cant really expect soemone that young to manage their own education so i didnt know how to divide things until i was like 13 #fail.

so i thought if i am so behind in math its gotta be that my brian is just not made for it and i am bad at it... But it was not that. It was that i just wasnt doing it. And now that i am doingit with some regularity i would say my "capability for math" is pretty much on par with the general public.. so knowing that this is a thing my brain is capable of doing + doing it every day has made it even a little bit fun. i dunno if id say i Like math yet, but i certainly dont hate it anymore. i dont even dislike it.

for those wondering how far i ahve mathed... khan academy says i am ~75% into algebra 1. so there. i should prboably be a bit past that by now but i will take a gap of like 1 or 2 grades over a gap of like 5 thank you very much.. i just know if i keep up these small incriments in Math Knowledge i will be a Normal Person eventually so i stick with it. maybe that gives an insight into why ive got math on my task list and why it makesme feel so bad when i do not do it? i think most other peoples productivtiy goals are different so IDK even if nobody was questioning it it felt kind of like it had to be explained.

but yeah... since i am a more 'creative' person than a 'logical' person. well. idk. idont like quantifying it like that anymore. i think everyone has capacity for both. the reason ive gravitated towards creative things is probably cause i enjoy dong them... duh. and the reason i dodged away from logical things is probably cause i... did not enjoy doing them. Simple as. but since for a long time ive hjad it in my head that i am more suited towards creative things than logical ones i was/am kind of nervous because if it wasnt already obvious i do have an interest in learning coding.

i tried a few years ago got frustrated and gve up but that could be due to poor teaching or just poor learning cause i was younger and didnt know as much. but i think i chalked it up to me and coding or other logical pursuits just being incompatible... something along those lines. i think going to neocities made my interest in things like these stronger though... cause people are using coding (Logical, i guess?) to make things that are creative and beautiful and interesting. Not to say that i thought you couldnt before but to see it right in front of me was so cool.

well that is my ramble WRT math coding and 'logical' vs creative things. i mean i guess ill find out if my initial assumptions that i were just a less logical person were true when i start an IT-related class in like a month but im starting to suspect that was HORSE SHIT!!!!! :-). i gotta go do art stuff now. THANKS 4 listening!!!! & bye!!!

Entry 8!

(8/31/2022 10 pm) Feeling awesome right now like awesome. Like awesome. Good day. Good ass day. Actually it was a pretty bad day for most of it but im realizing a lot of that doesnt actually matter so long as you end on a high note. SO what happened since my last entry.... the power went out for like an hour and i started playing pokemon red (on me 3ds) (i pirated it... Dont tell anyone!). it was less fun than expected but what else was there to do i guess! playing that pokemon kind of sucked the life out of me so when the power came out i just kind of fucked around aimlessly for like 2 hours.

the miusic im listening to right now fucks its aweosme. Ok what was i saying. Oh yeah. so i only got aorund to doing my math at 6 pm which felt pretty bad because i had kind of convinced myself i wouldve gotten on it earlier than that and thne i didnt but its fine i recovered. i mean i didnt end up showering cause i dont like showering too late in the day and i was waiting to shower until i had done tasks because when i shower i become too relaxed to do tasks tahts why its such an ordeal but thats ok thers always tomorrow. after that (math) i fucked around for another like ....?! 2 hours? what was i doing!!!! ah anyway. at like 8:30 i got around to doing the art studies.

i did a study of a cat.. it actually came out very well. i like it at least. id show it here but i used a pic of some random guy on deviantarts cat and i dont wanna go through the ordeal of getting permission to put a drawing reffed off their cat on my website especially when the draiwng itself only took like 20 min max.. maybe one day ill use my own cat as a reference so you people can see it. it can be hard to tel sometimes but i do think i am getting better at drawing through this... not just cats but maybe other things as well? it remains to be seen.

then i did my assignments. was kind of tedious but not as nerve wracking as yesterday. now its 10.. i want to go to bed soon because i dont want to stay up too late, but i kind of thought id have more Free Free time than this.. but thats entirely due to my own time mismanagement than any outside factors, unless you count the power outage, but that only lasted for an hour so no excuse there LOL. despite it all i feel happy though? to have done all of that. i think this blog is helping me do things, genuinely. i dunno how to describe exactly how or why it helps... but i think it is helping me? also maybe the fact i have more tasks now. i work better when im busier... sometimes. other times i work much much worse. im not super consistent about that

theres definitely a sort of comfort to having my life 'in order' this way. i know ive said it before... butim a very ambitiouis person. i have a lot a LOT of things i wanna do. a lot of things i thought id alraedy be doing by now, even... sometimes when i am in a state of persistent disorganization like several days of depressed do-nothingness iwill remember the fact that i have goals i am not accomplishing and feel supremely horrendous. ill feel a desperation to scramble to try and worktowards all of them at once, but thats not the way it works really...

if i get these few things down, then i can add more stuff later. if i try to add a ton of stuff all at once right now, i will probably fail... so i should not do that. when i have all of this under control, thats when ill add more things. and add more things i will. assuming i do well enough managing 4 tasks i will add so many tasks it will straight up surprise you. count on it! (NOTES: i get cocky when i am on a winning streak. I do tasks for a few days and undergo a werewolf transformation from involuntary reddit doomer into anime shounen protagonist.... This has happened a lot.)

ah... where was i going with that? oh yeah. so i have a lot of goals. honestly probably too many for one person to achieve. BUT a guy can dream! anyway. i get anxious at the idea that i have not done enugh to achieve them... if i died now i would be very unhappy because there are a lot of cool things i have not done yet. but we only have so much time. so i get scared and sad at the idea i will spend my time on less worthwhile things than the things i want to do.. very very scared. the passage of time is my enemy.

so being able to have this list of things... that so long as i do them i can be positively assured i AM moving forward with my life and not stagnating.. i dont know how to describe it. it feels liek i have it under control for once. and it feels safe. comforting. cause i know even if i dont do other stuff.. even if i didnt shower today or enter that contest or whatver like i siad i might. i know that because i did the other stuff that was on the list.. i will have made progress on those things.. steady progress on them. forever. do you understand? its so much better than floundering. it makes me feel much more hopeful about life in general.

so im having a great time doing Tasks.... however. while im hopeful i am also scared. im thinking this blog helped me do things.. maybe it could continue to help me do things.. maybe i will be able to turn things around and live happily and securely while achieving the goals that are my lifebloog... but i know i have thought these things before. ive tried to fix thigns before, and then it was going well, and then it was going bad again. so it scares me, because i feel like theres no way this cant go wrong, even if i dont know how or when it will...

im saying these things not to bring down the mood but to provide an honest look into my mental state. my mental state which is This is awesome but i kind of doubt in my ability to keep it being awesome. Which is stupid cause there really is no reason i cant keep doing this... Its just been hard for me. Maybe ill prove myself wrong though? i have before.

it was... last year i think. i was setting out to do Tasks just like i am now... i believe the habits i was trying to create were primarily math and brushing my teeth. yes that is right folks i did not regularly brush my teeth and in fact did it rarely at all.. in 2020 i actually went at least 3 months without brushing my teeth it was disgusting!!! its just never realy been a habit for me thats stuck. i think it was actually around this time last year that i started brushing them every day, so congrats to me i guess! i brushed them every night for like 3 days.... then something weird happened. i was gonna skip on it cause it was late i was tired you know how it is.. but i pushed through and i brushed my teeth that night. the next day i thought hey.. im tired again tonight.. but yesterday i brushed my teeth even thoughi thought i wouldnt. this is the longest streak ive ever been on. i should continue it right?

i brushed them consistently for like a month... something thats never really happened for me that long i think. it did actually get disrupted because relatives came to visit and they occupied usage of the room i was using to brush my teeth and changing what room i was doing it in was too unsettling for me so i stopped brushing them for like a month. i think even a week after the relatives had left just cause i was so upset by it. but i got back on it and settled back into the rhythm. similar things have happened since where i havent been able to brush my teeth in the same place as usual, but since the habit is more set in stone, its more of an annoyance than a major upset now..

and you know what, near trhe beginning of this year, i think i was pretty consistent with doing math for a good few months? to the point its like noticeably easier to settle into doing math than it is to do the same with art studies because even if i havent done it super consistently that rhythm still exists in my mind, the muscle memory is there, and even if it was disrupted for a while, its not completely out of order. so im thinking.. even if i cant do it every day. if i can just do these things most days... then ill get better over time, right? itll be easier for me to do these things, and just things in general. thats my hope. i dont know what else to do, if not that. i dont think i can do anything more than that. not in a pessimistic way, i just need this to work for me.

soooo.. there we have it for tonight. some happies. some accomplishments. some caution but also some cautious hope. maybe this will be the time i stick with it.. or maybe this will just be another time i succeed and then fall. but then maybe next time i get up ill get up faster. so its not a waste even if i do fail. not that im planning on it though ;D i've been doing too well the past few days to give up now!!! just you wait!!! believe it! (CHANNELING NARUTO)

tomorrow... hopefully i will get things done quicker so i have more free time. and so i can fucking shower. this is gross. honestly i feel reticent to even talk about it on the blog cause it feels like too far. talking about how i fele like shit cause i am scared of wasting my life? pshaw.. no problem. talking about how i am stinky right now? dude... thats too far..... keep that to yourself. brain silly i guess haha. But seriously i need to do that. anyway. 7/10 day or something! it was like a 9/10 for a few minutes at 9 pm causei got so excited that i was Doing Tasks. and it was like a 3/10 somewhere around 5 pm. it's fluctuated. but overall it's a solid day. i did everytihng i needed to (Bar showering, ha ha ha..) So its a sucecss of a day IMO. i guess that's all i have to say today. thank you for reading & have a nice day! or probably night if your in my timezone. Mehhh. Something. Have a nice something.

Entry 7

(8/31/2022 11 AM) helllllooo! yesterday turned out to be a very good day. after my last entry i played a bit of tetris and then went and watched a show with my friend. we had a lot of fun :D it mademe very happy. i realized thats why im doing all this. cause i got to spend time with my friends without worrying even a little. i didnt think about having to do things even a bit, because i had already done them. usually how it goes is that my friend asks me to hang out, i blow them off and say ill join later cause i need to do something important, i end up not even doing it and joining later because i said i would and sort of having a good time but worrying in the back of my head the whole time about doing that thing i need to do.. procrastinating uneasily basically.

and thats a lousy habit, cause it keeps me from doing anything i like. i dont get to hang with my friends, or do other fun things, cause ihave to do important things, but its not liek i end up doing important things either. its just like minimaxxing for most miserable existence. but anyway, last night, the only thing i was worried about was staying up too late, because i DID stay up until 3 am, but honestly it was worth it. if im with my friends it is worth it to stay up late. if im not thats when it sucks. but yeah, i didnt have to worry about anything else. icould just enjoy myself and have fun with my friend. because id already done everything.

side note... yesterday i decided im gonna aim for 2 assignments today. at the time i felt a bit unfortunate about it but now im thinking it was really the right choice in all ways. how to phrase it... before, it was an Important Task but it wasnt on my Daily To-Do list, but it had to be done, but it was optional to do it in my mind because it wasn't on the Daily To-Do list. so i wouldnt do it as part of my Tasks, but then id have free time, and even if i decided not to do it, the whole time id be thinking Well i could be doing schoolwork right now.. or id do some but think Well i could do more.. but now that ive decided im going to do 2 every day, i dont have to think about it at all after and my free time is free. so yeah, i think it was the right choice.

i think ill try and shower later today. the thing i watched with my friend last night inspired me a bit so maybe i will make something creative. im pregaming tho i cant predict what ill actually be in the mood to do once i have free time. until then.. i will probably try emphasis on Try to do my things all as early as i can... so i can have as much free time as possible. that makes sense right. Makes sense to me! but well, who knows how long ill stick with this :P. Ok shut up. Sorry i was getting pessimistic its annoying. Anyway

i noticed that my website has more views now. it has like 100. thats kinda crazy to me. i mean, ive gotten a lot of views on things before.. more views than this website has.. ive got a drawing thats got 2k views on it! but thats kind of expected. i mean like not that i pull that many views regularly but its fanart for a pretty popular game and it was pretty well done (or at least im proud of it) so you can kind of expect people would like it, even if i didnt think theyd like it That Much. but anyway, in the grand scheme of things 100 is pretty small, but for something as deeply personal to me, like, i literally just talk about my life and dump my thoughts here, theres not even cool graphics to look at, its surprising. my intent here isnt to brag and i dont want to focus on how many followers i have for this website cause thats not why i made it but it was surprising and felt worth noting. if you're reading my silly little website, then thank you :D

one thing that has surprised me on neocities is how nice the people are. which isnt to say other people on other websites are Mean... Ok thats a bit of a lie. Sometimes people are shitheads. i went on tiktok once and i could feel my will to live draining away by the minute not cause it was cringe or whatever but just cause everyone was so mean for no reason. like you live like this? this is horrible!!!! but anyway. its not just that nobody on neocities seems Mean, but they just seem liek friendly. And i think thats nice. Thats why i like neocities and other somewhat niche websites, is cause it hasnt gotten big enough for the Sludge to enter or at least to gain popularity. most of the mockery and anger is directed towards corporations, instead of random internet dudes. i dunno, i feel like someone on neocities would not make fun of me for being embarrassing, but i cant guarantee that for twitter, and i think someone on tiktok definitely would. sliding scale of niceys.

i havent been on it that long, so it could be that i just havent found the mean people yet... but either way it is cool:D another thing i have noticed. a lot of people on noecities seem to think nobody will care about or want to visit their website.... i guess that includes me! but the only reason i know that is because ive been reading their websites... duh. and i think it is cool and interesting to look at their blogs or their abouts or their shrines and see what they have to say.. even if they dont think it would be. maybe we all have a tendency to underestimate how much other people would care about what we have to say? or maybe i look too far into it. either way it has been interesting learning the way of neocities... even if i havent learned the way of html. Lol. ugly ass website!!!!!!

so anyway... my plans for today. going forward. after i finish writing this, im gonna go eat.. then i wil do my math, my art stuff, and school stuff... then who knows what. ideally i would shower but i cant guarantee a thing. im pretty sure taht would be a good idea. i dont like feeling gross and taking a shower usually cleans the mental illness away for a minute. Clears my status effects if you will (Yes.. Im a GAMER.). but showering is just such an ordeal you know. gotta go stand in the wet box for an hour. well it doenst actually have to be an hour im just unusually slow at showering among other things for some reason. that .... might be why it is such an ordeal.

i could also draw later today. theres a drawing contest i want to enter that has a cool prize, and not trying to be cocky, but i think i have a fair shot at winning. sometimes i overestimate how good itll turn out though, so well see. the important thing though is actually entering and not putting it off until it ends. Cough Cough. looks pointedly at self. i haven't done a full on Drawing Drawing in a while, though. just traditional doodles & digital studies. but none of the digital art i like to have and post. i know im improving no matter what, but i like to have something pretty to show people! it is a bit time consuming though. well, we'll see if i do it.

i guess that is about it for the current minute! once again i dont know if my thoughts here were coherent. but i guess they dont super need to be, im just here to document after all. i have a good feeling about the rest of today. i'll update you once i've done stuff. cya!!!

Entry 6

(8/30/2022 8:15 PM) Hello everypony, i am exhausted! i'll get to why in just a second - before that i'd like to take a second to reply to some people! i was blessed with 2 people commenting on my neocities page (yipee!), and i was going to reply back with the reply feature, but neocities is telling me you can't comment until your account is a week old. this is evil. suffering from success. SO instead of actually replying to you in the comments of my webpage i will just have to try and reply here and hope that by chance you check on my page within a timely manner!

olly from Ollys-site asked if they know me off-neocities because i have a typing style exactly alike their friend's... answer is i do not think so. Its not impossible especially if you go by something other than olly offsite but i dont have any friends named Olly! assuming that i am not actually your friend by freak chance though i have to say it is pretty cool to know there are other people who type like me.. ive seen one on neocities with a pretty similar typing stlye but nobodys said i type exaclty like someone else before so that is interesting! i think that is cool to learn & thanks for chatting with me! :D

the other comment.. lizzie from Purplehello98 said i have a cool blog! well thanks :D i think your blog is cool too. i like the ipod section, i didnt know people collected those and i think it is so cool.. thanks for chatting with me! :D

OK now i will get onto what ive been up to the past 4 hours... i did my silly cat drawings. i actually put off doing it for an hour because there was a storm and i was LIED to (Read: accidentally misinformed) and told the power would go out so i didnt want to start anything if it would get closed without saving. But whatever i got around to it eventually. By the time i got around to doing i was kinda sick of drawing cause i had been doodling traditionally in my notebook throughout the whole "power outage" but i got through it and one of the studies actually came out pretty cool. So thats nice :D

Then after that i decided to do schoolwork. Guys, unfortunately i think im going to have to be more intentional about how im doing my schoolwork. Im gonna try and aim for 2 assignments done a day. this will help me get them done earlier.. i would like them out of the way. but i took an accelerated course (I Am So SStupid. For that. Why do i always underestimate...) so they are going to flinging the assingments at me like A monky flings its shits. What was i saying. Oh yeah i did my assignments it fucking sucked. It made the math i have to do every day look not only tolerable but enjoyable. And the stress surrounding the assignment (They did not have clear enough instructions 10 dead 1500 injured) has sort of lingered even after i finished it.. usually when i do a Task i get a sense of Refreshment after. But the stress leading up to doing the task this time was so upsetting that its lingering after and so i am still in Hell world... Whatver ill just play tetris that will probably make me normal.

I mentioned having a lot of freetime earlier.. That idea kind of died because i took so long to do my schoolwork. But its fine i stillhave like 4 hours of free tim eassuming i go to bed at 12 which to be fair is nottt a guarantee. I did want to draw or learn more coding stff but now i am thinking i will just play stupid amounts of tetris and then hang with my friend. I think i am being a bit of a drama queen about this to clarify i had a day which is better than most days because i did things but i do think that the schoolwork made me kind of overextend myself so Now i am a sopping wet creature (Metaphorical). I will see you either later today or tomorrow! Good bye!!!

Entry 5

(8/30/2022 4 PM) I'm back! So earlier if you scroll down you'll see I went on a little rant. I mean i guess i wouldn't say it's a rant, i wasn't liek angry while i did it, more of a ramble than anything. Was fun though. I like updating this website. I browsed through a bunch of neocities websites and followed a few. Some of them even followed me back. (@ Any mutuals reading this: HAI!!!! :D) I got inspired to try and learn more of html and css, because I barely know any right now, meaning my website is overwhelmingly bland. I don't know if i'll try to learn more html & css TODAY though, because there are a few other things i am considering doing... The website is really ugly right now though and if i am going to be updating it every day i should probably put some effort toward making it look presentable...

Anyway, what I actually came here to say is that i got my math out of the way. I did all 30 minutes of it (One of me daily goals) so that feels good! I do still have a few other things to do though. Like the art stuff. And also, maybe schoolwork? Well, we'll see. Hold on, gonna pause typing for a minute to get a snack. Ok I'm back. I did my math relatively early in the day so assuming I get the rest done soon I'll have a ton of freetime, like for hours. Which is strange. I'm wondering ahead of time what i should do with it. I could try to learn more html, or i could do a drawing I have been meaning to do, or I could watch a show with my friend.. I'm leaning towards the last one because I've been meaning to spend time with them, but the other things are worthwhile as well. Ah well, no point in deciding now. The longer i take pondering my options the less of it i'll actually get to do today, LOL.

Oh, I could also shower, because as was previously mentioned i haven't done that in a while. I don't feel like it though. Simply does not feel like a shower day. Does feel like a good day though. There was a bit of stuff that sucked (I woke up late which felt bad. And my cat sat on me for a long time which meant i could not do some things i wanted to do without disturbing him.) But i did something before 5pm so this is an awesome and cool day, actually. Well, that's about all I've got to say at the moment. Gonna go do art studies of cats now. Cya!!!

Entry 4

(8/30/2022 11 AM) Well well well. It's a new day! Sorry for the lackluster documentation yesterday. I have nothing to say for myself. Honestly it might be easier to have a set time to update this website to make sure I actually do it consistently, but that could take some of the magic out. I know yesterday I said I'd be back in like an hour after that last update.. And then I wasn't. So i'll let you know what happened in between. I watched the anime with my sibling (there were only 3 episodes left on it), and then I spent a long time discussing with them. By the time I came back to my computer it was like 1 am. Then I did math, but I got sleepy and unfocused like halfway through, so it was a bit frustrating and I had to stop early. At 2 am I brushed my teeth, & at 2:30 am I went to bed.

I regret the way yesterday as a whole went, but I don't regret the way last night went. I really enjoyed spending so much time with my sibling. We were deeply engrossed in conversation. i do actually kind of regret how i did math and then got sleepy though that just made me sad. But anyway i dont regret that I spent several hours with someone i loved even thoughg i hadnt done what i was supposed to do that day. I know before i said the blgo was aobut productivtiy... OR i think i did at least. Whatyever. But its more self improvement in general? Thats a term im not rushing to use either. I feel like there are a lot of people who obsess about productivity & self-improvement in a way that i dislike but can't put my finger on and i'd like to make it clear i don't see myself as one of them whatever that's worth.

I dunno, i guess ill try to put it into words.. it feels like the reasons that i focus on 'productivity' and the reasons other peopel do are different. or they do it in a different way.. I feel like theyre often more judgemental. IN a way thats primarily self-directed but leaks out into the way they see other people.

Something ive noticed.. The reason i want to be 'productive' is because i want to be happy... Not being productive is not making me happy. It makes me feel terribly out of control of my own life. When im not doing anything with myself i see life as less worth living. I have a lot of big goals, it would crush me to not accomplish them in any sense, so i employ 'productivtiy' techniques to move me closer to them.. I cant claim toknow the minds of other people./ But it just feels like, when you look at the things these people are saying, that theyre using productivity less as a tool to make themselves feel happier and live more enriched lives, and more as like.. Just something theyre supposed to do. I dont know. We're doing the same things, but it feels like theyre less.. intentional about it? Ah i sound full of myself. Im not superior to other people and dont think i am, but just..

Have you noticed.. like on these subreddits for productivtiy and stuff. Theres a lot of posts on there from people whos lives are out of control, or they perceive them as being so, because of their procrastination lack of productivity etc. Have you noticed the way they talk about themselves. Its all about how lazy they are, how horribly theyve squandered their own potential, something liek that. Theyre just so mean. I dunno, i dont see a problem with being 'lazy' so long as its making you happy, so long as thats what youre looking for out of life... Being 'lazy' makes me horribly unhappy, so i dont want to do that, but i wouldnt look down on someone who did, even if i wouldnt get it..

It feels like the reason i dont want to be lazy is because it makes me unhappy whereas for them. Well ok, i think that it definitely makes them unhappy, but it just feels driven from a different place, or an assumption that productivtiy is somehow automatically superior.. productivity in the sense of like, doing productive work.. whereas obviously i want to do productive work to accomplish my goals but also ideally i just want things out of the way so that i can focus on other things that i hold myself away from doing, such as spending time with people, or doing a fun thing...

I dunno, where im going with this. Theres just a certain way they talk about productivity, about 'discipline', about themselves, and others, that makes me feel like they might have the wrong ideas about all this... Theyll focus heavily on what theyre procrastinatign with and not the root of the procrastination itself, or if they do talk about the root of the procrastination itself theyll do it in a way thats uncomfortably dry of sympathy or warmth. Theyll talk gratuitously about what soft crybaby lazy hedonistic losers they are because they spent a day chasing "cheap pleasures" like social media or porn instead of spending all day waking up at 5 am and exercising for 15 hours straight with no self awareness.

they treat a lack of productivity as a moral failing, which rubs me so the wrong way... if it doesnt interfere with the lives of other people, or make you miserable, its fine? and, listen.. i spend a lot of time on social media too, when id like not to be doing that... but you have to understand. from what i know about procrastination, it seems like the primary root of procrastination is fear... or in the case of someone with, like, ADHD, a lack of focus... the root of procrastination is not you being a lazy hedonistic loser. in fact it is making you miserable which is not hedonism, you are stupid. Lol sorry im being mean rn. Anyway i can near guarantee you that its not self indulgence you are driven by. Youre not a bad person cause youre not productive. Yuo just need to wrok on some things... Or you dont, ifnot being productive is wroking out for you.

Like ok, i cant claim to see into the minds of these people.. Maybe it really is self indulgence, for some of them, or even a lot of them. But for me its not as simple as that. Ive used the enneagram to try and identify the root of my own problematic behaviors, you might be familiar, if not you can google it.. Its sort of like MBTI, a personality framework for looking at the world, except enneagram is more focused on being used as a tool for self growth. And not self growth in the way so many people seem to see it, where they see it purely as an increase in productivtiy, or somethin glike that, but other stuff too..

Im an enneagram 5, which means my core vice is avarice... To sum it up, fives are too stingy about resources, because they fear that they will not be able to handle the world around them as they are. They need to stockpile things, sometimes material... Money, items, etc... Sometimes immaterial or just plain nonsensical... Themselves, time, space.... They withdraw into their own heads because they fear if they dont the world around them will overwhelm and deplete them. They often overplan instead of act etc etc. Theyve got an issue with withdrawal, inaction, and hoarding, basically. But the root of all that is fear, obviously. Theyre Afraid of the world, so they think they need to find ways to fend against it... Thats what the withdrawal, the inaction, the hoarding is. Its defense against the world.

Not everyone is a 5, there are 9 enneagram types, so other people have different reasons for procrastination, thats obvious to me, and i can only speak to the root of my own.. But the way that this manifests in myself, i very much fear that this world is not a place for me. Its too scary. I cant live in it. I have no idea what im doing. So i withdraw so i can analyze things so that eventually i can throw myself back in and know what to do... It doesnt quite work like that though. I get stuck in the stage of researching, and let myself think thats on the same level as actual action.. Not because im debauched and self indulgent. But as a protection against what this world i fear would take from me.

Ugh i had to stop typing for like 20 minutes cause somebody interrupted me. I hate this world. Anyway, i dunno exactly where im going with this.. I feel lie people are way too uncharitable to themselves, and also others. Theres an appeal in talking bad about yourself. But if you misrepresent your own motivations to do so that aids nobody. You need to pinpoint why you are doing the things you are doing for realsies or else you will probably not get as far. But, i frequently struggle to be productive, so what do i know. Probably not a lot.

Anyway, thats my problems with the productivty movement... I dont thikn it was so well articulated honestly. I might need to rephrase it later. But bascially i hate their grindset talk. Just be normal. You dont need to search constantly for tips. You dont need to constantly disparage yourself. Time can be well spent even outside of things which are productive. 'Productivtiy' is a tool to help you achieve your goals, to make you happier... thats what the tips are for. It in itself is not a lifestyle, amd when you treat it like it is, i feel like you lose something. Thats my point of view anyway, i dont think many people are reading this, but if you are and you can offer an alternative viewpoint, i'm happy to listen.

I got way off track from why i originally started talking about this. So since i mentioned it earlier, you're presumably at least slightly familiar with the enneagram.. Thats good, ill probably mention it a lot. As a five, i find i tend to be stingy about time, and about my own self.. Im afraid of wasting time. Very very afraid of wasting time. Which ironically causes me to waste time. I spend much of it on "nothing" activities. Im not saying this to decrease the value of the activities themselves, such as browsing websites watching videos etc, but rather because the reason i do them in the first place is because i view them as not being activities in the first place. That's why i do them, and that's why i shouldn't.

I'm afraid of wasting time, so i become afraid of spending time.. it's not evne that i'm adverse to doing productive things specifically, i'm equally adverse to non-productive things which i view as a drain of time or energy. In my mind, browsing social media or in my case reading fanfiction are 'safe' activities that arent a drain of time or energy. Which is really stupid, because i spend more time doing those things than anything else, and it honestly really drains me of my energy! I don't know, i just think on some level i perceive it as withholding my time or energy, but im not. You cant not spend time. You are always spending time. You dont have the choice between spending and not spending time, but only on spending time on something stupid or spending time on something worthwhile.

And again, the reason why its more focused on general self-growth than productivity for me, is because this aversion to Doing Things extends to non productive things as well.. such as spending time with a friend or family, or playing a game, which i know ill enjoy. Those things make me happy. Its not even that like, im afraid of pain, so i do something pleasurable now and painful later to avoid something pleasurable later and painful now, or at least thats not the entire reason. Because i know that spending time with the people i love is enjoyable. Its liek im afraid of pleasure itself. Because doing those things that make me happy is enjoyable, im afriad itll be too enjoyalbe and consume me somehow. I know, its stupid. But i shouldnt be trying to judge, just identify and fix i guess.

Time spent with a friend or playing a game or even watching a show is more worthwhile for me than time spent doing 'nothing' activities. I need to be more active in my own life, and less just.. Along for the ride. I know this, i already knew this, i keep realizingit over and over and over again. But even though im aware of the problem, its difficult for me to fix. But, even if its hard for me to keep a streak, im fairly resilient. So as long as i keep throwing myself at this problem over and over and dont allow myself to become complacent with the state of things, i feel like itll eventually click for me. Or maybe it wont be quite as dramatic.

I'm really not asking a lot of myself. It's like, 2 hours out of a day. That's not a lot of time. If i told myself to go spend time on twitter for the next 2 hours i think id be as adverse to that as i would something productive but i dont think of it in terms of that so i think thats why its more appealing, more of in my mind the absence of an activity than something you spend time on itself. But, anyway. It's a simple thing i'm asking myself to do. Just this every day. But at the same time, it really isn't that simple. I don't know why, but it's really hard. Harder than i feel it should be. Maybe this website will make it easier. I just need something to make it easier.

Its time for me to eat now. Ive been typing for like an hour. I dont think anything i said was particularly comprehensible or coherent, but i enjoyed typing it. I enjoyed updating this website more than I enjoy browsing on twitter, which is something. I should go do my math after i eat, but i did it so late in the day yesterday that i actually did it only 10 hours ago, so it feels like i just already did it. Sigh. Well such is life. Play stupid games like staying up until 2 am and putting off math for the whole day and win stupid prizes as i always say. I'll check back in when i do that.

By the way, i am absolutely disgusting right now. I have not showered in like a week. There's something i really need to clean in this house also that i've been putting off. I don't feel like tackling either of those today but we'll see how the day goes. Catch ya later. Or tomorrow dependingon when i get to this. But id like it to be later today rather than tomorrow. Thanks for listening.

Entry 3

(8/29/2022 8:50 PM) so i have done nothing all day. IT actually feels extremely horrible, LOL. I also stayed up until 5 am last night. Id like to say i have no idea why i keep doing this to myself but im actually pretty aware of why this is happening as far as i can tell im just dogshit at implementing the changes that need to be made to my behavior. I dont have a lot of time cause im gonna watch an anime with my sibling in a few minutes but i am not giving up on this day because if i do ill feel like evne worse shit. so ill be back in like an hour to do the things i said to myself that id do today... and ill actually do them this time. i do have more to say but time limit so just know i will be back. Ideally. Anyway that's all BYE!!

Entry 2

(8/28/2022 7:30 PM) why hellooooo their i am BACK! if you didnt read my previous entry i was basically just introducing myself letting you know whats up ETC ETC. ANYWAY i just got done doing a bit of art stuff. i drew over a pic of a cat to try and learn more about the anatomy of the cat breaking down stuff into shapes ETC it is complicated work Artists will know what im talking about... (Im being sily here its not that huge) anyway. that was fun! then i did a bit of sketching stuff. Drew my fursona im a furry BTW Thats why i was studying cats so i could draw furries better. And well because cats are just the best animal ever. Im being hyperbolic but they are seriously my favorite. I mean just look at one. If you dont arleady have a deep and abiding love of cats in your heart we are fundamentally different people on vastly different wavelengths and nothing could ever change that. (Hyperbolic again). But yeah i love cats and seeing the sahpes in them and drawing them even ifits a bit hard sometimes.

I have a feeling there are less "How to draw cats" resources out there in comparison to humans. Humans are very complex so im sure id be having just as hard a time drawing humans as i would cats, I mean ive dranw humans before and its. Fucking hard. And i need to study them eventually to learn how they work. But anyway im sure id have just as hard a time Studying them, but there are a lot of tutorials and resources for learjning about their anatomy out there, and for cats like.. Its not like theres nothing but its just harder.

Anyway in the space between my last entry & this one a little bit of magic happened. I mean nothing THAT Cool but i think my art mightve improved. At the very least i feel marginally better about it today than I do on others. This could be attributed to the art studies ive been doing.... Or jsut the fact that i sketch my characters fairly frequently albeit traditionally unlike the digital art I did today. Whatever it was, my art seems to me to be better than it was the last time I did digital art that wasn't just a study, so I'm going to have myself a little celebration about it, because in a world like this you should take joy wherever you can find it. Or...Something along those lines. Lol.

Id post the drawings but i really dont want there to be much of a link between this site and my other online identities, like where i post art and stuff. It's not that big a deal, but I like having them separated. Something about having this website is embarrassing to me, I dont know, i think on some level my brain thinks that having a website inherently suggests you think what your saying is worth having a place to put it.. Thats so stupid though. Getting embarrassed over thinking you have something to say that's worth listening to. Maybe it is embarrassing, who cares. If you let embarrassment and shame rule your life you will have a really sad one. Well, that's what i THINK anyway. That's not how i feel. I think that embarrassment should not come into the equation at all, and that you should not mock or shame others, and that you should make what you want to make without restraint (Barring some exceptions), but when i post something online i FEEL embarrassed, regardless on my stance on things. So that's why I want to keep it separate, I guess. Maybe i will change that sometime. Or maybe i wont! Its my website. Thats the beauty of it.

Anyway, all i have left to do in the day is maybe some schoolwrok. Its not a necessity for me to do it, and im not sujre i wanna, but like.. What else do i have to do? When im procrastinating on something i will invent thousands of distractions. When ive done the things i was procrastinating on, though, suddenly theres nothing to do and im horribly bored, i guess because if im avoiding something then literally anything else becomes shiny and entertaining. I hate the way my brain works. I dont want to overwork myself, because obviously i still wanna have juice in the bank for tomorrow, but it would be Very Nice to hvae my schoolwork out of the day,i dont have anything better to do, and you have to spend energy to make energy... Well. I do anyway. I dunno about you. Dont take these as tips, im thinking out loud. On my website. Which i have now. Heh. Anyway. I guess thats all there really is for this update. I might do a final one for today when i decide what to do. Or i might save that for tomorrow. We wil find out. Have a nice day & Buh bye!

Entry 1

(8/28/2022 6 PM) hello everybody! my name is Complicated (it is not actually that! im using a fake name so this website is not attached to any of my other online or real life identities. Very clever of me) and this is my blog. or, im assuming thats what youd call this anyway, i havent really done a lot of research into it! i just kind of jumped in. you could probably also call it a diary, of sorts. i'm not sure if this is something i'll keep up with, i'll try my best though! so the goal of this here "Blog"......... well to put it simply i am trying to get my life together! i am a very ambitious person and i am not a very productive person! it's my hopes that if i write about my neverending attempts to do something with my life i will maybe get more successful over time.

so every day i will try and "post" here about if i have achieved any of my goals today.. side note im not fond of the word 'productive'. i dont know i feel like its kind of overused and buzzwordy at this point. abused by people too obsessed with sigma male grindset or whatever. i dunno, i dont want to be one of those people whos annoying about waking up 5 am to be productive or whatever but i also need something to call my Journey Towards Being A Functional Human Being, so im going to say stuff along the lines of productivtiy as a shorthand, because everyone can understand what that means... . im assuming. i dont know how long ill do this for, probably not Forever, but i hope i'll do it a while!

also, not everything i post here will be strictly "productivity related" most likely.. another disclaimer before i continue: i dont know basically anything about coding! yeah, i kind of just wanted to jump into it and i didnt want to bother with blogs on other websites. i wanna learn html, but i dunno if ihave the time to right now, so the blogs just gonna be super duper ugly for a while kay? one last disclaimer... this all will probably be super unfiltered. its personal to me i guess. i dont really know what im doing, both in the realm of Blogging and also in the realm of "productivity" and really straight up just life in general!

its not my intention to "give tips" beacuse i dont know what im doing.. i just want to ramble as i try and figure things out. sometimes i get very negative, probably related to depression, or maybe just teenage hormones :P but i dont want to censor my own struggle with these things. its the type of thing that i probably wouldnt post on my other online profiles, because i feel like i have sort of a responsibility not to expose other people to my own toxic brain sludge, or something along those lines.. but im OK with doing it here, because my intention isnt to motivate, its purely to provide a full view of what it is like to be someone who is struggling to accomplish their goals... maybe it will inspire you if i manage to actually get things done, maybe it will be relatable when i struggle if you are also struggling, or maybe it will purely be interesting to see into the life & mind of another person seeing what they say when they are not holding back on how they really feel about their own life. maybe it will be none of these things! first and foremost the blog is for me.. hopefully it will provide some kind of accountability or at least be interesting to look back on...... though if that were all it were i could just keep a diary or tell a friend about it, but theres something appealing about shouting into the void of internet strangers.

im sorry if the uahahhhhh whats it called whats it called uhmmmm aauughhhhh the ughhhhhh uhhhhh ummm layout or wahtever. the fucking. the. what is it called. the spacing? the what is it called. FORMATTING THE FUCKING FORMATTING im sorry if its formatted like dogshit im sure its not pleasant to read an uninterrupted wall of text but im still figuring stuff out so ill probably break it up into smaller chunks later or something i dunno. EDIT: I FIXED IT. YOU'RE WELCOME. SORRY IT LOOKED LIKE DOGSHIT. im just trying to figure out whatll work for me at this stage. in more ways than one hohoho!

sorry for trhe long intro i am a hugely wordy fucker like everyone knows it. if you get into a disucsion with me i cannot hold the words back they just come out. also im aware of the typos im just not correcting them because i dont care. Ok anyway onto the meat of it my goals right now are these:

awesome little list right. you think its awesome dont you. out of those today.. ive done the math stuff. i havent done the art stuff or the school stuff. i mean the school stuff is ehhh not so urgent at the moment because i knocked out a few assignments a few days ago so everything left is due in like a week but i do still have to do it id like to do it today. oh this isnt a goal goal but i do wanna spend time with my friend but im putting it off until i have my Things done but im not getitng them done so my friend si being left hanging rn and im procrastinating on doing the art stuff to write this blog oopsie... well i guess its. Its fine. Its fine guys. Itts not a big deal. In fact now that ive started this blog updating it every day will have to be a habit and a goal for me. So why dont i just add that onto the list. Its not even procrastination anyore Because im supposed to do this duh.

anyway ummm yesterday i didnt do like anything LOL. well i hung out with some friedns andfamily but because i didnt do the things i set out to do that day it felt like a waste even though logically i know it wasnt Cause time spent with your loved ones is never a waste! But i cant deny it felt like pure shit. Would like to avoid that feeling in the future. Noooot a fan. Uh. Man what the hell was i saying. Ok so yeah im trying to do that stuff im kind of epic failing at it but i know im capable of making a change in myself for the better so even though i fail like over and over again im clinging hard as fuck onto it and getting up every time (Even if it takes me a while... Um. Coughs in Has spent half the month too depressed to do anything.) i mean if you look at it in terms of how much progress ive actually made at forming these habits since i started trying to its kind of depressing but if you look at it in terms of how resilient i am its mildly impressive so ive got that going for me hooray! trying to find a silver lining i guess. i dont wanna be overly harsh on myself but i dont want to be overly permissible either and i have some kind of paralyzing fear of coming across overly self confident causing me to overbalance hard in the other direction and downplay any success i have which i might be trying to work on i dunno. That was a bit too self aware to post anywhere else but im being Honest here see, so you get to see that. You sohuld feel so special that i shared it with you.

OK ANYWAY in a few minutesim gonna do the art stuff im done putting it off i think ive got my words out. I dunno if anyone will find this interesting, but at the same time like half of the neocities websites i see the person needs to talk about how boring they are and how uninteresting theythink they come off to other people and every single time im willing to read through their shit and im not too different from other people even if i am a bit ramblier so maybe people will feel the same way about me! or they wont, which im fine with, because this isnt to garner an audience in the first place. not that i dont want an audience per se, i do have a youtube chanel (im not linking it i dont want it to be attached here and also i havent uploaded in several months its kind of humiliating and looks like ive given up but i swear to god i havent ive just been putting off coming back i swear im still running it I SWEAR..) which i want to have an audiecne on but i dont super feel the same need here. i mean like it would be nice no lie btu thats not The Reason im doing it. sooo anyway its come time for me to go. ill update later today hopefully, or maybe just tomorrow! i hope you had some kind of emotion reading that, like interest intrigue or maybe even laughed or something. its fine if you didnt though. have a nice day and goodbye for now :-D